wonderful marriage hits midlife crisis

[TAMF]

Hello - this is my very first post, so I probably won't get all of the abbreviations correct :-). I have been reading posts for a couple of weeks and I ordered and read Michele's book, The Divorce Remedy. I have come to realize that my H is having a full-blown MLC at 37. I wasn't sure what it was at first, because out of NO WHERE he tells me that he can't handle the guilt anymore - he is having an affair with a 27 year old bartender. As many of you unfortunatly know - it was devastating. We had a wonderful marriage - really. We have been together since we were 17years old. Wonderful sex life, no an AMAZING sex life, 2 wonderful D, good careers, wonderful friends and families. I can't tell you how many times during my marriage people would tell us how they wished their marriage was like ours. We never fought (just little stuff like everyone does, but we always made-up right away), were always touchy-feeling, even after 20 years. Then the last year, I got a big promotion at work that was very stressful and took a lot of my time. He started complaining about every single little thing. I would laugh at him and say that he was manstrating again and to take his tampon out! I never took what he was saying to me seriously. Just thought he was going through some kind of phase. He loved me like a fairytale. He was a wonderful father and husband and I had the perfect life I thought. He started talking about selling our house and moving back to our hometown a state away...crazy insane talk. I wouldn't listen - just ignored him and what he was saying. He kept appling for different positions within his company that would take us out of state, and would get so upset when he didn't get considered for the positions. He has always been an athlete - works out all the time. But this last year, it became more. He had to get bigger, more "ripped" trying new diets, vitamins. Getting on me constantly about exercising with him. I never wanted to because I was so busy and then tired with work, kids, etc. I was never over weight, but like most women in their late 30's I could stand to loose a few pounds. He was suddenly wanting me to look like I did when I was young. I found photos of me when I was 19 years old in his wallet! But still, I didn't think anything of it. Then on July 3rd, after a 3 day drinking binge (totally NOT my husband), he told me that he was leaving me, that he was in love with someone else. That he had been seeing her for about 6 months. My world ended with those words. Crazy thing is - he had no plans, no where to go and no plans to live with the OW (who is married 2 but can't have any children). He was lost and totally confused.

Ever since then, he is a changed man. He stayed at home for 2 weeks after the announcement - physically broke off the relationship with the OW, but I found out he was still texting her a million times a day. He said he needed his space, so he moved in with a friend. Decided that he loves me but is not in love with me. I am his best friend, and he is totally attracted to me physically (but it is just lust)but there is something missing. He doesn't know what it is, but he just doesn't love me like he used to.

Total devastation from everyone we know and love. "this isn't ____!" "He would never do this!" "You two had the perfect marriage!" I have heard it all. He has completely alienated everyone he knows and loves. The OW is the only person he says that he can talk to that doesn't hate him. The only one who understands him. blah-blah-blah.

Now I am 2 months into the separation. We are "friends" and talk/text everyday. We have done a few "family" things together with the kids. I have done ALL of the things that I am not supposed to do - beg, plead, cry (all of the time), tell him how much I love him. Of course it has done nothing but push him away. I know what I am supposed to do - go on with my life, give him his space, etc. but this weekend we had a medical emergency with our youngest D and I couldn't reach him. I had to go to his apt. and pound on his door and windows until he finally heard me and came to the door. I lost it. I couldn't believe he wasn't there when something horrible happened to our daughter, that I was totally alone dealing with this emergency while he was figuring out what was "missing" in his life. I gave him my wedding ring and told him that he won. He had officially lost his family. I emailed my friend that is a lawyer and got the information on how to proceed with the divorce and then called him today with the information. For the first time it hit him...what was happpening. He asked me to wait until we sold the house and that we would decide after that what the next step was. He clearly didn't want to proceed. He complained about the money and that he didn't want to give a lawyer any money. I laughed and said that he wants to leave me, but isn't willing to pay for a divorce?! I asked if he thought we would be separated forever? He didn't know, he just didn't want to do anything right now. I told him okay, and that I would continue to give him the space he needs. That I am not in a rush to end my marriage.

It is all so confusing and terrifing. All of my friends and family think I am crazy to "wait" for him to realize he still loves me. They all get so mad and angry. It is hard to contantly defend myself to everyone. How do you all deal with the insanity that is all around you? I never know what to do from day to day.

Sorry my post is so long! I guess I have just been building everything up and it all came out in one post!

me:37
H:37
Together: 20
M: 14
D: 12
D: 10
Bomb dropped: 7/3/10
separated: 7/15/10
OW: together about 7 months - still in picture