PEI, Your poise and positive mental attitude over the last couple of weeks is impressive, you have handled yourself with grace and integrity. There are challenges that lie ahead and I know you will meet each one with the strength that you gained from overcoming previous challenges.
You are embarking on a new chapter in your life, may it bring you all the joy and happiness you so richly deserve.
Cheers
Formerly "missherlove"
Me49 XW49 M17 T19 S16 D20
Expose yourself to your deepest fear; after that, fear has no power, and the fear of freedom shrinks and vanishes. You are free.
My children went with stbxH to his place for the first time this morning. F*ck that was hard. I thought I was ready for it, I really did. I tried to hide the sadness but S5 said to me "Why are you sad mommy? I don't like it when you're sad." To which I could only smile and reply "Me neither sweetie". And then I kissed them and wished them a happy day.
I spent the day at home, with my mom helping clean out the clutter and rubble that had become the norm at home. I f*cking hate that too. I was never this disorganized, this cluttered. It reminded me how much responsibility has been on my shoulders on the homefront for quite a while (I know ... poor PEI ... blah, blah, blah). It made me sad. I came across cards and love notes and poems and pictures. All for a life and a marriage that doesn't exist anymore. It just seems like such a waste sometimes.
Then I remembered that it wasn't a waste. It brought me three beautiful children, countless memories and, ultimately, this experience. Everything I am feeling is normal ... it's part of the grieving process and I need to let myself feel it. I also need to choose to not let it take over. Feel it, and then, when ready, release it.
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Oh, I know about those Funk Days. I usually get mine on weekends though. At least you sound mentally healthy about it. Unlike some people we could each point out. I also became cluttered after H left. Just now starting to think in terms of housekeeping that I always did. As for his notes and cards, I burnt them, put them in an envelope, and sent them to him.
Validation. Good or bad? Necessary? Ok or unhealthy? All questions I've been pondering lately. I'm digging.
We talk a lot about self-validation and not basing our happiness on the validation we receive from others. And I agree, our happiness should come from within, because we already have everything we need to be happy. We have ourselves.
So is it wrong to 'need/want' validation from others? At first I thought so. I really did. I've changed my mind.
What is the first thing we teach noobs to do when they hit the boards? Validate their spouses. Validate. Hmmmmm? Wait a minute... we teach/preach validation, but why? If we should be self validating then shouldn't our spouses also be self validating? Why would we need to learn this skill?
I think the answer is simple. Because we are humans designed to want/need each other. Being validated makes us feel heard, seen and loved. The key is to not base our happiness on it (nickle Missher via phone). We can not base our happiness or our worth on the validation we receive from others. But it is not wrong to enjoy the kind words, touch, praise, etc received from someone else. Is it paradoxical? Perhaps.
What does this mean for me personally? My happiness, and more importantly, my entire sense of self worth was for a long time tied to the validation I received in the form of attention and approval from others, mostly - but not only - men. It started at a very young age when I learned that bringing good grades home got approval from mom and, the one I was really looking for, dad. Dad was an emotionally unavailable alcoholic but here we had common ground. He put stock in good grades. I became the "smart one". As I got older my need for approval shifted from my parents to my peer group but I still had the need for male attention ... and at that age, I discovered the best way to get attention was not with good grades (just the opposite really) but with sexuality. I even became a cheerleader (not really my style) because it was part of the image. I liked the company and attention of boys ... the more the merrier. Anyone who has read my sitch knows where this is going ... lets just say it gets worse before it gets better.
Now, the other part of this is that my best friend, and I mean friend - not the kind with benefits - during my entire childhood was a guy. Our moms were best friends and we became friends at the age of 5. We stayed friends until highschool. Our friendship taught me that guys were just less complicated than girls. There was so much less cattiness (sp?) and competition ... no bitchiness and viciousness. I was bullied by a girl from grade one to grade 8 so I know plenty about just how vicious girls on the playground can be. I hung out with and learned to love the joking banter and one-up-man-ship in the guys circles. No hairspray, no PMS, no hidden-3-way calls about who is talking about who. Nope. It was awesome.
So here I am. Having been asked and challenged by more than one person about my lack of female friends or desire for male company (just FTR, I do have a couple of female friends I've had since grade school and a fairly new group of Lunch Chicks from work that I've been hanging with for over a year now). I've been asked why? Am I still searching outside myself for validation .... to validate my worthiness, my sexiness, my attractiveness, my appeal?
No. I now know I am worthy. I am beautiful. I am sexy. Sure, I'm like most 35 year old women with 3 kids and my fair share of stretch marks, I have some body image issues. But you know what, those stretch marks gave me my children. This body is healthy and moves me from point A to point B a million times a day. I enjoy sex for me. It's not just about pleasing someone else. I am ok with me. Do I struggle sometimes? Yep. I'm human. I know that I have areas that need work and I'm taking steps to address those.
So ... what's the deal then? I like men. You guys are alright. I like the banter. I enjoy the fun. And more than ever, I like women too (no Grit ... not like that ... I'm not wearing the shirt!) ... as long as they are the kind that don't like drama and can relax and have some fun.
More to come ... validation and being mommy ... I'm still digging, but I'm taking a time-out to go the beach and dig in the sand ... white sand intead of grey matter.
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
I think you are spot on with your analysis. I would just add that another reason for validation is that the MLC'er can not argue with something when you are agreeing with them. So I believe that we teach validation for the reasons that you said and for the added benefit of avoiding an unwinnable argument. You CAN NOT argue with a crazy person. You will lose every time. So by validating we avoid that problem.
While I agree that an MLC spouse can not argue with you if you are validating them (tactical reasons for validation), I would argue that we should be validating our MLCers/WASs because their feelings are THEIR feelings and as such ARE valid (practical reason). Period. We can't and shouldn't argue feelings period. This just isn't a skill that all people (especially we recovering control freaks) have learned or been taught.
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Being validated makes us feel heard, seen and loved. The key is to not base our happiness on it
Gifts are nice. So are flowers. And I like Heath Bars (hint hint)
Originally Posted By: PEI
We can not base our happiness or our worth on the validation we receive from others. But it is not wrong to enjoy the kind words, touch, praise, etc received from someone else.
It is nice to be in a balanced, healthy relationship and i would say after going through this none of us would accept anything short of that.
Enjoy I say. These things are the fruits of a loving relationship.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Being validated makes us feel heard, seen and loved. The key is to not base our happiness on it
Gifts are nice. So are flowers. And I like Heath Bars (hint hint)
Originally Posted By: PEI
We can not base our happiness or our worth on the validation we receive from others. But it is not wrong to enjoy the kind words, touch, praise, etc received from someone else.
It is nice to be in a balanced, healthy relationship and i would say after going through this none of us would accept anything short of that.
Enjoy I say. These things are the fruits of a loving relationship.
Flowers, heath bar and a T-shirt ... check!
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
