New Beginning

[PEI]

Validation. Good or bad? Necessary? Ok or unhealthy? All questions I've been pondering lately. I'm digging.

We talk a lot about self-validation and not basing our happiness on the validation we receive from others. And I agree, our happiness should come from within, because we already have everything we need to be happy. We have ourselves.

So is it wrong to 'need/want' validation from others? At first I thought so. I really did. I've changed my mind.

What is the first thing we teach noobs to do when they hit the boards? Validate their spouses. Validate. Hmmmmm? Wait a minute... we teach/preach validation, but why? If we should be self validating then shouldn't our spouses also be self validating? Why would we need to learn this skill?

I think the answer is simple. Because we are humans designed to want/need each other. Being validated makes us feel heard, seen and loved. The key is to not base our happiness on it (nickle Missher via phone). We can not base our happiness or our worth on the validation we receive from others. But it is not wrong to enjoy the kind words, touch, praise, etc received from someone else. Is it paradoxical? Perhaps.

What does this mean for me personally? My happiness, and more importantly, my entire sense of self worth was for a long time tied to the validation I received in the form of attention and approval from others, mostly - but not only - men. It started at a very young age when I learned that bringing good grades home got approval from mom and, the one I was really looking for, dad. Dad was an emotionally unavailable alcoholic but here we had common ground. He put stock in good grades. I became the "smart one". As I got older my need for approval shifted from my parents to my peer group but I still had the need for male attention ... and at that age, I discovered the best way to get attention was not with good grades (just the opposite really) but with sexuality. I even became a cheerleader (not really my style) because it was part of the image. I liked the company and attention of boys ... the more the merrier. Anyone who has read my sitch knows where this is going ... lets just say it gets worse before it gets better.

Now, the other part of this is that my best friend, and I mean friend - not the kind with benefits - during my entire childhood was a guy. Our moms were best friends and we became friends at the age of 5. We stayed friends until highschool. Our friendship taught me that guys were just less complicated than girls. There was so much less cattiness (sp?) and competition ... no bitchiness and viciousness. I was bullied by a girl from grade one to grade 8 so I know plenty about just how vicious girls on the playground can be. I hung out with and learned to love the joking banter and one-up-man-ship in the guys circles. No hairspray, no PMS, no hidden-3-way calls about who is talking about who. Nope. It was awesome.

So here I am. Having been asked and challenged by more than one person about my lack of female friends or desire for male company (just FTR, I do have a couple of female friends I've had since grade school and a fairly new group of Lunch Chicks from work that I've been hanging with for over a year now). I've been asked why? Am I still searching outside myself for validation .... to validate my worthiness, my sexiness, my attractiveness, my appeal?

No. I now know I am worthy. I am beautiful. I am sexy. Sure, I'm like most 35 year old women with 3 kids and my fair share of stretch marks, I have some body image issues. But you know what, those stretch marks gave me my children. This body is healthy and moves me from point A to point B a million times a day. I enjoy sex for me. It's not just about pleasing someone else. I am ok with me. Do I struggle sometimes? Yep. I'm human. I know that I have areas that need work and I'm taking steps to address those.

So ... what's the deal then? I like men. You guys are alright. I like the banter. I enjoy the fun. And more than ever, I like women too (no Grit ... not like that ... I'm not wearing the shirt!) ... as long as they are the kind that don't like drama and can relax and have some fun.

More to come ... validation and being mommy ... I'm still digging, but I'm taking a time-out to go the beach and dig in the sand ... white sand intead of grey matter.

Peace
PEI