Dealing with a WAS with an affair, is IMHO, much much harder that dealing with a spouse that goes through a phase. I would find it very romantic if our love survived "a phase" and proof of its strength. Right now, I see what is happening as a "settlement" that suits all parties (except OW) since the betrayal was of all levels, mental, physical, sexual... What is considered the biggest "fear" of lovers when they get together?
So, my H had fun, took a break for 2,5 years from me and our family, enjoyed a crazy love, risked everything and now he is...back and everything is "fine". Somehow that feels... not right.
How can anyone tell if an affair lowered the "moral personal boundaries" of the cheating spouse or in the best case, raised them. In the first case, another affair is very probable down the road, in the second, the affair itself can become the reminder/warning of what NOT to do again.
Accepting a cheating spouse back, demands a huge amount of strength and self validation power. In my case, it also involves a fair share of detachement. Coupled with the self defense mechanism that developed after the bomb it means that there is always a ...gap between us, a gap preserved mostly by me. Is this a different kind of love or just the only kind of love (settling) possible after an affair (for me at least). Is this IT or is there room for healthy development? Is there more to expect (from myself AND him?) Intimacy is the last thing that returns and very hard to regain.
I question myself daily about my "giving", if it too MUCH, if it is being a doormat, if it gives him the wrong message (close call but you got away with it). So far, I have realised that if I dont give, we stand no chance. How much and when (timing)I am not sure of.
Trust... well after being completely, apsolutely convinced of my husbands integrity for years and finding out he wasnt honest with me, everytime I catch myself believing him without any second thoughts, I feel I make the same mistakes... I feel naive. I hate feeling naive.
I realised, a cheating spouse can not understand what he put the other person through, unless he/she has a similar experience...
Fighting pride has been difficult, sometimes I wonder if it means compromising my dignity. Hard pill to swallow (spelling?)
The anger is not visiting me as often but it still is intense when it does show up. It lasts less though.
At the end of the day, the glass was broken. And it seems it takes a long long time to become something stronger that I dont "question/doubt", something worth the hurt and tears.
Why do we want someone back that has lied, cheated, disrespected, betrayed, hurt us and our families? I will never understand that. People do make mistakes but some mistakes are bigger than others. I dont know what I would advise my daughter to do in my shoes. I dont have reasons now to believe I made the wrong decision but I think I would not advise her to make the same...
