I filled out the divorce paperwork this morning and sending it to the courthouse tomorrow.
I have made the decision because of the following reasons: 1) I won't be manipulated any longer
2) I no longer want to play childish games. I long for a more mature relationship. I have engaged in this "play" too long and I don't like myself when I do it. There is no relationship if there aren't any games. I don't want to play.
3) Whether this is MLC or not MLC- my H has personality issues that he refuses to recognize...there is no tunnel wide enough that is going to permit that huge narcissistic, self centered head to poke out. You cannot change something that you do not see
4) I don't believe he ever REALLY loved me. If I am being honest here...He just isn't capable of it and I accepted it. I don't know if this was from my low self esteem or if this caused low self esteem. My H is about the chase..he got me. Chase was over...love (or whatever it was) was over with it.
5) H doesn't respect me...he doesn't respect anyone really...but he certainly doesn't respect me. I allowed this.
6) His A is the offense that I am least offended by...
7) I am more at peace without him. Others around me have noticed this about me too. I feel like myself. I am no longer compromising myself. I am no longer accepting behavior that I don't find acceptable(except when I allow myself to engage!)
8) I am just tired of being accused of ridiculous things...and I am sick of defending myself. I don't want to be defensive any longer...and the only other option with my H is to stand there and get stabbed. He comes to every fight with a knife. He loves the drama. He loves the argument. He thrives on this...this is why he is an attorney.
My M was not good...I don't think it ever was. Sure we had good times and we created some great memories. But the best doctors in the world couldn't bring health to this unhealthy relationship. I don't think my H has ever had a healthy relationship. I'm not sure why I didn't explore this more when we met...I guess I ignored the signs. I ignored one of his x-girlfriends that told me what an awful boyfriend he was. I ignored his friends that told me what a moody b*stard he was and that he was a bully.
It was a challenge. I thought he would change when he met the right person...and the right person was me. I was wrong and it was foolish to think that way. In the beginning, I liked that he teased me. I thought it was playful. It just never stopped..and then it got more serious..and then it was just hurtful. He told me I was oversensitive. He told me that I needed thicker skin. I started to think that I was becoming too sensitive. All my boundaries were so blurred after awhile.
And of course...I liked being married to a lawyer. I liked the lifestyle that we had. I liked saying I was married to him. I liked that he was educated. I liked that he could debate different things. But... He didn't satisfy my emotional needs...I am not sure he ever did.
I did have a healthy long term relationship prior to my H. I know I am capable of it. I made a lot of mistakes in that R but it was overall healthy. I learned alot from it and avoided repeating most of those mistakes in this R.
Now I have to own my mistakes here and make sure I do some fixing.
