Thinking About Life after Divorce

[mulesqb]

It all seems to work well, EXCEPT when any discussion over the future occurs.

She has remained emphatic that this pattern can in no way work once we are no longer living in the same house. Her lawyer just filed an official proposal for parenting time that gives me visitation only every other weekend (Fri PM to Sun PM) and on Wednesday evenings. I've maintained that I won't accept anything less than 50/50 shared parenting.

Any attempt to discuss shared parenting ends up with her going from calm to angry in 0.5 seconds and using any tactic in the emotional abuse book to end the conversation in her favor - yelling, blaming, mimiking (yes, like a 4-year old would do), belittling, name calling (Yes, I'm a %^^%$#@@#%^&*), gas-lighting (yes, I'm the narcissist).

Hey Thinker - I haven't been on ages but when I do i always check in on your thread. If you don't mind, I just had a few comments as your sitch somewhat parallels mine in the fact that you are trying to cope under the same roof.

Regarding the above, don't ever engage in any future talk with her. You both have attorneys, let them handle. It will help keep the peace. By not leaving the house you have made your statement that you want equal time. Enough said. Anything else is her problem, let her stew in it.

Every now and then after a period of cooperation I start to think of her as a rational adult and try to discuss the terms of the divorce with her. (see above). I'm learning not to do that.

Good, don't do it anymore.

In the mean time she doesn't seem to be making any attempt at all to look for work. She's educated and employable and works part time, but does not seem to understand that my salary supports one household, but won't support 2. Legally she is going to have to go back to work, but I know she really doesn't want to. I've offered to increase the amount of child care we have right now so she can get started, but any discussion like this results only in anger and deflection on her part (see above). Oh well. In the long run it's her loss, but it means that she is going to drag the court process on even longer.

I can guarantee you that her lawyer is tutoring her on this. It's to her benefit to show as little income as possible to get more out of you in your final settlement. Fill your lawyer in on her marketability and let your lawyer prove that she can be working and earning an income. This was huge in my case as we were able to prove what my ex-wife was worth. Her lawyer ended up dropping and my ex ended up getting a job for $5k less than we stated just shortly after the divorce. What a surprise.

She is dating, which as far as I am concerned is a good thing. She's going out frequently and I can bemusedly track the progress of a relationship by her moods. When the relationship is going well she wants to sell our house as quickly as possible - and we start making progress. When the relationship ends she drags her feet on the home sale and any discussion about selling the house results in anger and deflection on her part (see above ).

Be careful, there is a hint of not being fully detached in there. You are telling us what she thinks and feels....not your problem anymore, let it go.

I've been dating lightly as well; couple of first dates - all of which were fun and light-hearted and enjoyable. So far no significant relationships, but I'm fine with that. I'm in no hurry and I'm enjoying things as they are. I've made a point of telling each of the women I meet exactly what my situation is (Not yet divorced, still under the same roof) prior to any date so that it doesn't surprise them later.

All good for you. In regards to the discussion about when it is ok to date, I firmly believe that you will know when you are ready. I really think you are in touch with that. It does have to start somewhere. You seem like you are having very casual dates. That's awesome. And even better that you are up front about your situation. I wish you well with all of it.

You will start a new life eventually and I think you already know that you will be fine. And you can do it all knowing that you tried your best to save your marriage and family.

And the court timeline keeps ticking. I've been propounded with massive amounts of requests by her lawyer, so it appears I am going to have to defend my ability as a parent (why should a man have to fight just for equal custody?), defend my income (surely I'm earning more than I am) and defend my assets (those accounts that I had before we were married, never touched during the marriage, and still have - but which would go a ways toward keeping STBX from having to go back to work) all while refuting her claims of unemployability.

It is amazing how men are behind the 8-ball when the process starts. But it is not impossible. As far as your pre-marital assets just provide your lawyer with documentation and that really is a non-issue. But you never know, it may come in handy in negotiating things like parenting time and maintenance, etc.. Give your lawyer the ammunition and then let him./her do the work. At the end of the day it is all a formula and negotiating.

Anyway, just wanted to check in and tell you that i think you are doing great. One day at a time.

Strength and Honor.

Mules