How many of us are there? What are the specific DB issues related to living together, but separate, at the same time.
I am living with the WH, but we are separate rooms. We eat our meals together, run errands, attend family events, etc. Would we be better served in our DBing to detach? How do you handle this?
In my personal sitch, the WH and I are getting along well, although he says he does not want to work on the marriage. I can't decide if I should avoid him or continue to act as if everything is just dandy.
Me: 36 H: 36 S9 (from my previous marriage) D2 Bomb-date: 4/7/10 10/10 Giving it six months to see what happens
I don't have an answer but am in the same situation. Unfortunately, I can't even move to a separate room...no space. I will admit that in addition to wanting my kids to do the school year here, I'm scared to leave (I won't lie). But if I end up staying in the house, how would that work? How long have you been living together but separate?
Doodi
"I feel like Rocky in the fifteenth round, beaten beyond recognition, when I realize, the only person I've been fighting for is...myself."
I just got out of this situation myself over the weekend.
My W blew-up on me in January, saying that she hadn't been happy for 10 years and listed all the reasons why, re-writing marital history along the way. When I asked her if she was saying she wanted to get divorced, she said no, she wanted to work on it, but that didn't mean she would NEVER want a divorce. I took that pretty hard and later learned that she told someone that she was planning to dovorce me 6 months down the road after she had "things in order". It also coincided with the kids getting out of school for the summer. I don't believe that she ever worked on fixing the marriage, although she claims she did. All she did was wait for her feeling for me to change and when they didn't, that was it.
Anyway, we lived together and I tried very hard to correct the issues she had with me and she even acknowledged that I had. Still, on June 6th, I asked her if she was planning to D me and kick me out of the house. She said she was going to D, but wanted to live together until it was final because we couldn't afford to live separately. She already had her divorce letter to me written-up and was planning to give it to me the next weekend. The MC that we went to see a couple of times suggested a trial separation in April, but I was scared to death of that. Looking back, that may have been the best thing for us.
I was very distraught until she actually went and filed. Then my attitude changed. I got advice from friends who had been through this before and I began to take decisive action regarding finances. Got my own bank account, canceled joint credit cards, started spending more time away from her. I began to think that perhaps a separation was the only thing that could save our relationship, if it could be saved at all. Only be experiencing what it would be like without OUR family could she ever appreciate what she had.
Since she refused to go back to work full-time, I started to push more regarding the sharing of bills. I also got more aggressive regarding her recently ended EA as time went on. Things in the house got more stressful, especially for her. It was tough seeing her everyday knowing that she wanted nothing to do with me.
When we got to our Hearing for a temporary divorce order, I learned that she no longer wanted to live together and wanted me out of the house. I got 3 weeks to find a place and move. I just spent my 2nd night in my new house, which is BEAUTIFUL, by the way. The first night was kind of tough, but last night was fine and I am doing well. Before I moved I felt that I would be relieved by getting out of the amrital home and I think I will be. It just may take a little time to get completely there.
MWD says that it is OK to tread water for a while in your marriage. As long as you aren't moving backwards, that is good. However, in my situation, with her having already filed for D and having a court date, the situation became untenable.
If no one has filed yet, it may pay to follow MWD's advice and stick with it, making changes along the way. For me, we were too far down the road. I don't know, this separation seems to be my only hope, as things weren't changing when we were together anyway.
We have been "separated," more or less, since April. In the early months, he waivered on whether or not he wanted to work things out with me, but he decided back in June that he doesn't want to work on the marriage right now -- he thinks we need to work on ourselves first (meaning me, really).
I have encouraged him to leave the house, to move in with his parents, but he refuses. He says his parents will only let him do it one time, and he wants to save it up like a piece of candy or something. Meanwhile, my feelings about him change from day to day, and I am not sure if I love him or just want to end it. If he was being a complete jerk, it would be so much easier.
Me: 36 H: 36 S9 (from my previous marriage) D2 Bomb-date: 4/7/10 10/10 Giving it six months to see what happens
DanF, I am so sorry that you had to physically separate, but it sounds like it was for the best. Sometimes I think it might be for the best in my sitch, too. I cannot afford to move out until I have child support, and I would have that until the D is final. Since neither of us is in any hurry to file, that could be a while.
Treading water is okay with me... as long as I can get through my days at work and it doesn't affect the kids. The problem is, I worry about the kids, S9 and D2. I wonder what this is doing to them and their perception of what a marriage should be. I would hate for my daughter to grow up thinking this is a normal relationship.
Me: 36 H: 36 S9 (from my previous marriage) D2 Bomb-date: 4/7/10 10/10 Giving it six months to see what happens
It is your only hope at detaching, it seems. Until you KNOW you are going to be better than OK on your own, until you can grow as a person, until you know you don't deserve or want a marriage where cheating is OK, it's better that you are on your own.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
I have been living together/seperated since she filed. In different rooms and have seperate lives. I'm still a little behind W, but she has the advantage of working outside the home. I was stay at home dad. I guess I still am since I've not found a job yet and that make it really hard to GAL. I would say I have let go and still have moments but the extremes are nothing like they were. I plan to stay this way until the D is final unless she moves out. It is hard since you see every move they make and they can and will do things to push your buttons, they know you better than anyone right? Try to remember the "none of what you hear and 1/2 of what you see" when it comes to the WAS.
they make and they can and will do things to push your buttons, they know you better than anyone right?
Ummm ... until you change and that doesn't work anymore. That is detaching. This codependency where you give somebody the power to control your actions and feelings all of the time is why they need to go and why you need to detach.
You both need to grow now, and you can't do that with your focus on each other, looking to the other for support when it just isn't there.
Take the focus off your spouse. Put it on yourself.
List 10 things--aside from your spouse/marriage for now--that you are grateful for in your past or present every day for the next 10 days. See what is good.
Last edited by TimeHeals; 09/01/1003:17 PM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
Hi, wow, I thought my H and I were the only ones in the universe who were living together, sleeping in separate bedrooms, but doing pretty much everything together as a family still. My friends all think I am nuts to live this way. At first I thought the best way was to live as separately as possible while under the same roof, but as time has gone on, I find it is easier to continue to do things together and for some reason keeps the stress levels between us down. Maybe that is because we are just both in a place where we no longer care much. I am certainly not db-ing anymore.
FYI: Hubby moved out in May 2008 (ILYBNILWY), in and out of our lives a lot for the next year and a half and came back home in Nov. 09. But he never really came back. I know for certain an EA, and strongly suspect an EA/PA with someone else. I often think that he is leading a double life, but I have no way to verify.
One thing I do really worry about is how this affects our child. He knows that something is up and that mom and dad are probably going to end up divorced. I don't know if "limbo" is any good for him since we were in limo so long before.
I tell myself this - it sucks for my kid no matter what - if we end up divorced, it will suck for him, if we live in limbo, it sucks for him, and if we stay together, but are miserable, it sucks for him. Poor kid is in a lose/lose situation.
I have encouraged him to leave the house, to move in with his parents, but he refuses. He says his parents will only let him do it one time, and he wants to save it up like a piece of candy or something.
So, he respects his parents' boundaries, but he doesn't respect yours.
