how do you know i didn't do that on purpose? i was aware that i would get 'caught' when i talked about it.
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You are upset your H doesn't come to you first with issues and goes to his mom. You didn't go to him first either. Have you chastised him in the past for this? and then you do it yourself?
to be honest, i don't remember making that accusation at him. he was upset with me for going to a colleague and when he goes to his mom, i get upset too. but i can't stop him from talking to his mom. i was honest and upfront with him. but he wasn't honest or upfront with me. i'm not saying two wrongs make a right. but how upset he got, is how upset i felt. so put yourself in my shoes .. is what i'm trying to tell him. it's not all about him. but has he put himself in my shoes? no. he doesn't understand how i feel. it's all about him.
me talking to once to a colleague hurts him. yet him telling his mom everything shouldn't hurt me? because it's mommy?? and that's the comparison he made. whatever.
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You don't believe in divorce? And yet you go and talk to someone about divorce. People who REALLY don't believe in divorce go to a counselor or pastor or something like that. A professional who can help fix it first. Not to a colleauge.
i still don't believe in divorce - well, i believe that it is necessary for situations that involve abuse, addiction, or chronic infidelity (which is an addiction). even though i spoke to a colleague about it, it wasn't about justifying a divorce for myself. i wanted to know if that was where my h and i were headed. and two months after that discussion, i did want to go seek counselling. because i started to doubt myself. i didn't even know if it was okay to feel hurt by my h's criticisms. and i was concerned that i was the problem because i was too 'sensitive' or 'petty'. i wasn't in love with anybody else. i loved my h very much and i wanted to work on it but my h didn't believe in marriage counselling. he refused to go. he said he didn't want somebody telling him he was wrong or how he should feel.
i could have easily sought comfort in someone else but i didn't. i would never hurt him that way. but it looks like the feeling isn't quite mutual. i rather he had stuck a giant knife in me if he felt it was all my fault.
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Thank you for getting honest. It means you will accept some of the responsibility of the breakdown. No matter WHAT the reason, we are responsible for our half, 50%, of what went wrong.
you want to know what i'm really angry about? that he hasn't owned his half of the marriage breakdown. he made me feel like it was 100% my fault all this time. never admitted to anything he did wrong. that it was all me. the reason why i shout at the top of my lungs is because i'm not 100% the problem. but he made me feel like it was throughout our entire marriage. that i was petty, that i was clingy, that i was needy, that i wouldn't have sex with him, that i was a procrastinator, that i was the one causing our communication issues .. i'm the inadequate one. that there is something wrong with ME. ME, ME, ME.
so what if i own up to my half of the problem? what does that solve? it solves nothing. absolutely nothing.
often times on this board, i feel like i'm being told that the marriage breakdown was due to 100% me. because i open up and i am honest about my issues. it seems like i'm the only one admitting things so it looks as if i'm 100% at fault.
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Forrest is right--you haven't done anything "wrong" and going dark for this long is great. You have given him a lot of time to think about what went wrong.
i haven't done anything wrong because i haven't done anything at all. call, knock, whatever. nothing. he just wants me out of his life. i've basically left him alone. there is no reason for him to call and there is no reason for him to need me or vice versa.
i'm glad that he is more guilty than me. maybe finally he can carry the hurt that i carried with me for 4 yrs. he'll never see it from my point of view and be compassionate. he's too selfish to ever realize that. it's always been about him. even in this entire ordeal, it's about him. how hurt he is, and how painful the decision is for him. sorry, no compassion from me there. you made your bed now you lie in it.
yes, i'm breaking all the rules today.
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If you keep your anger at bay, toward him or his parents, you can probably have a very interesting conversation someday.
not going to happen.
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Could you leave a semi-friendly note on his door about playing squash? Make up something about needing another person for some reason? Would it bother you right now if he didn't respond? I don't think he will, it just would be a small gesture and soften him up for later...
i wouldn't do it because i wouldn't want a restraining order against me. his family tends to exaggerate things. the note would get blown out of proportion. i would be a crazy stalker, bitter ex-wife .. please keep her away from me otherwise we throw her in jail.
the more angry i get about this .. it doesn't help me in any way. yeah, it's great that i'm owning my part in the problem. so what? if i'm the only one admitting my role in the marriage, what does that do? where is the other half of the puzzle? the other half doesn't think there anything wrong with him.
