Newer Game- Moving Forward

[SunnyD]

Yeah!!! I get to stay, esp. since I've done all my homework and then some!


But...that's correct: I won't take anyone pulling my pigtails - unless it's done to pull me back over the edge, lol.

[SunnyD]

I've actually been in class all today today - and last night! I'm taking 3 this semester including a lab, so a full plate for me without even counting THIS class. Of course, this one is probably the most important...

This leads me to my 2cents I'm going to add here - or nickel - depending on how much you think it's worth:

I understand the point being made about needing recess. You can focus so much on all of this that it impedes your progress. What has helped me SO MUCH is getting my mind totally off R stuff and on to other things. Going back to school has been the best possible thing I could do for SO many reasons. #1, gives me a sense of self-worth and confidence, and reminds me I am smart and able achieve things on my own. #2, it keeps my mind BUSY with all the homework and studying so I don't have as much time to feel sorry for myself, focus on the R, or worry about what H is doing. Last week when I was off (between semesters) my mind was more focused on H than it needed to be as you know! #3, GAL is good for detachment, good for showing H a person of respect and making me a much better option. #4, I get a chance to meet new people and socialize. It reminds me that I truly am a person that people like to be around!

SO....applying the lesson here: Find something you can do that is "self improvement" that is totally unrelated to improving yourself as a spouse! Find a new hobby or something that makes you get out there and accomplish something. Or heck - maybe even sign up for a class even if you don't need to finish a degree - just because you're interested in it.

I HIGHLY recommend it!

[steady]

CD, I've read you're last few posts and it brings back fond memories of myself not that long ago.

I was told confusion is good - it's your mind working out that solution you need. Don't fight it, don't analyze it, don't freak out on yourself because of it. Your mind is now assimilating all that data which seems contradictory. It's going to push them together and pop you into a new level of awareness.

You are in a natural process that is unfolding. You are exactly where you need to be. What you are seeing as conflicting 'advice' isn't conflicting at all - but you won't see that until you get to the other side of the precipice that is before you.

Your confusion is your attempt to hold onto what you are seeing, reading, feeling, doing. You are trying to put together a puzzle where the pieces actually change shape as things unfold. You can't put the puzzle pieces together - life will do that for you. Just trust it.

We all come here to save our M. We all work on ourselves to save our M. We come to believe we are working on ourselves for ourselves and not our M. Then we realize we are working on ourselves for our M and have fooled ourselves into thinking it was otherwise. Then we get to the point where we truly are working on ourselves to save ourselves.

Every ounce of work to improve ourselves, no matter the reason for doing it, count.

When you realize you are still attached, and you unmask the fact you are still working on yourself to save your M and not to save yourself, you run out of gas. Everything seems to come to a dead stop. The 'what's the point' mindset creeps in. Depression, hopelessness, reminiscing about our mistakes, taking the blame for the destruction of the R, etc... show their ugly faces.

Now comes the separation of the wheat from the chaff. What are you going to do? You may lay down for a while feeling beaten and defeated. You may not. I've seen a lot of people leave this place at this point. They just give up.

But I know you are one of those people who will stand up, wipe the dust off your clothes and move forward. Don't get frozen in the spot you are standing.

It WILL PASS.

[steady]

My question for myself is "Why do I believe that the opinion of others is more accurate and 'correct' than my own? Why have I placed her opinion/acceptance/value of me above my own? Why don't I trust or value my own opinion of my value?"

Is it this/- "This person loves me. They see the true worth of me. Therefore,if I fail in their eyes and/or they love me less, my value/worth is lower"

Because you haven't hit the point of self-validation. When you get there this won't even be an issue for you. It may still trigger here and there, but you'll quickly see it for what it is - bull$hit and ground back out into yourself.

CD this message came from your past. It doesn't matter where it came from, except if you are curious to know. Knowing the source of it doesn't do anything for changing it. It's knowing you have it that's key.

Why don't you trust yourself? Why do you think you aren't somebody already? It's all in the vein of the NMMNG message.

I know where my same message came from, I see how it shaped my personality and behavior, I see where it damaged my life and R's, I see why I used it as a tool to cope, and I see how to change it...and I'm changing it. I've come a long way with it but I still got triggered tonight by my W.

The difference is I saw it happening right as it happened inside of me and I didn't accept it or allow it to manifest. I turned and went the other way - another repetition of overcoming it. It felt great.

[steady]

Probably not a good day to post but I'm going to throw "where I am" out there.

No such thing as not a good day to post.

I am not satified with where I am in the process.

That's normal. Especially for a person who sets high expectations for themselves. I think you've moved along quite rapidly and I've seen others comment the same.

(detachment is)..you are not emotionally affected by these actions even though the love still burns inside your heart for the WAS.

I am still attached. There is no doubt.

Yup. You will be until you're not. Another process that you have no control over. For me, it was a combination of the work I was doing on myself, the feedback I was getting here, serendipitous events in my life, my W's behaviors, and a total accumulation of everything I have experienced, which got me to the point of detachment. Then some more, then some more, then some more, today some more, tomorrow some more....

Whenever I work on ME and try to understand how I contributed to the state of the M, it makes me think about her and our interactions. Followed immediately by my remorse for not understanding my "issues" then as opposed to now.

I told my W tonight - I'm sorry how things went. But I also know neither one of us could have done anything different. If I knew then what I know now I would have done it much different. But it was the experience of then until now that got me to the point where I could even say that. Don't feel guilty. You had the tools you had and did what you could do with the tools you had.

You're now building a better toolbox. It's actually got bearings on the drawer slide rails.

Which brings me to the sadness over where we are now; her choices; and the hurt she must have experienced that led her to be vulnerable to the A. She clearly felt that talking with me about the R was useless so she spoke to OM about it and down the slippery slope to EA she went.

Nobody drives another person into an A. Period. They like you to think so because that makes it 'make sense' to them. But unless you had a gun to her head it's not your fault. Your fault lies in your responsibility for your half of the R.

Her fault lies in her half. Don't confuse her fault as somehow your responsibility. That's impossible.

I told my W tonight - I don't blame you for the things I did. My behavior was my issue and not yours. She said, thanks because you used to blame me. I said, I don't blame you for my behavior, but your issues and my issues came together like gasoline and fire. You're still responsible for your part in it, but I can't blame you for mine.

So, yes, there is blame I am accepting and regret I am feeling.

Fine. Regret it, take the blame for what you were responsible for, forgive yourself for real - knowing you did the best you could with what you had. She did too. Let it go.

This does not absolve her of her decision or her actions.

Absolutely. All that is for her to own.

Despite all the work I have put into all of this, I can see now that the underlying motive remains to be "saving the M and getting her back"

Natural point to hit in the process. Now you can begin to shift that to working on you for you.

The work on ME now seems insincere; a secondary benefit.

Not insincere at all. All of it still counts. You're just figuring out you've had a different motive than you thought. No big deal. And it's actually a primary benefit. You benefit the most for all your changes. The secondary benefits are the people around you get to have the new and improved CD. You're primary, they're secondary.

Indifference is devoid of love or hate for the person. You just simply are no longer invested in the process or the outcome. It is often when DBer's have done a great deal of introspection, self-examination, and conducting a through autopsy of the M that they have reached the conclusion that being D is not a "sign of failure" but a necessary step for personal growth...

Absolutely spot on Wonka.

Indifference would be "DONE", correct?

It's way past done. Done isn't even in the equation. Think about how you feel about a girlfriend you had in high school. You're way past done. It doesn't even register for you to wonder.

Now I am second-guessing everything.

So stop. It's all guessing anyway. It can't be any more than guessing. So why guess at all?

My confidence is not where it needs to be.

Ok. It ebbs and flows. Nothing abnormal about that - except it sucks when it's down and feels good when it's up. It will come back up again.

I'm guessing your lack of confidence stems from your lack of clarity you think you should have. You're judging yourself with the wrong yardstick. Get the one that's not so clear and you'll be good to go. You're not supposed to have that clarity right now. Just accept that. You're in a transition.

I'm hoping that this is just the "impending Thursday Anniversary" talking.

It's a HUGE trigger. It's totally screwing with your mind - if you are conscious of a little of it, it's an iceberg and the rest of it is in your subconscious. That's the way the triggers are for me anyway.

Sorry to be losing my grip right now but I just am. Not a pity-party. Just really "lost".

You're not lost. Just in unfamiliar territory. It's like going into a room that is dark for the first time. You have to bump into things to get a lay of the land. It's called the unknown my friend. Learn to love it.

[SunnyD]

The anniversary on Thursday slipped my mind. No wonder your mind is all over the place, CD.

Not a lot I can add to all the great stuff Steady just posted except that my thoughts are with you.

[FaithnAK]

WOW! I see what you are saying now CD! You and I are in a very similar process. I'm not one with fancy words, but you have made amazing progress! Keep it up friend and if you EVER feel down and out, just remember you are not alone AT ALL.

[PEI]

Thinking of you today buddy.
You can do this!
PEI

[SunnyD]

Thinking of you here as well!

You're tough - you'll be fine, I'm sure of it.

[CD Bear]

So far, so good.

6 hours in a truck today with me,myself and I.