Not sure where to start, or end. WAW?

[fb2]

Have you considered joining a good men's group where you can learn over time how to become a tougher guy? A couple of friends of mine found this very helpful.

[TimeHeals]

This crap just keeps getting better and better guys.

Not the way the rest of us see it, John.

Buddy, you need to take a giant step back, I think.

Almost everybody comes here to save their marriages. Almost everybody here values marriage as an institution. The community here likes it when two people can rediscover a healthy marriage together. It's the thing people here like.

Those of us reading your posts have nothing to go on but what you post here, but it's anonymous, so if you aren't being perfectly honest with us, then that's your own fault.

Assuming that you are being honest with us, this is something a good counselor should be sharing with you: some marriages should NOT be saved.

Serial cheating, manipulation and control (forget your own issues, I am looking at where you say you wife is at based on what you say she is doing and saying). This is not remotely healthy, John.

The best thing that ever happened to you in this relationship was her leaving.

Now, you can take a long, hard look at John. What makes John really happy? You cannot even begin this process until you detach, however.

You haven't even begun to detach, John. Stop answering her calls, go see a lawyer, be strong for your son, and take care of yourself, buddy.

[Greek]

Ultimately, I do want to be with my W because of our kid.

ULTIMATELY, this is an awful upbringing for your child, and ultimately dishonest to your person and hers.

Greek

[gr8 day 2B alive]

I think the gist of this is - she can't figure me out. She knows I'm changing or something. She doesn't get it. She just knows something has changed and she doesn't know what. Her motivations behind that - I don't know, I'm not her.

I'm doing something different. Let's see how this pans out. The crap I've been doing before didn't work.

I'm fully expecting her to do something to try to hurt me. Mediation crap, saying something hurtful, whatever - I'm expecting it.

john

I haven't read your whole sitch but I have been here long enough to know by reading this post that you are still very angry at your W. Your angry b/c she doesn't "get it". All these changes you made for the better and she STILL has woken up.

Stop making it about her and what you THINK she may or may not do.
It's unhealthy for you and not productive.

I'm sure you heard you need to detach. Research what that actually means. Once you do it your life will change for the better.

[john28]

Have you considered joining a good men's group where you can learn over time how to become a tougher guy? A couple of friends of mine found this very helpful.

Yes, I sent an email out about 2 days ago to a group leader in my area.

[john28]

TH - I realize that this is not a healthy relationship for either of us.

I've accepted that, I really have. I know that the M I was in is not one that is good for either of us.

I'm attempting to embark on a voyage of rediscovery of myself, knowing what I need to do to get where I want to go. I can do that.

I also know that my W must do the same.

That's the M I want to have. Not the one I have now. I love my W, and I know that through the 5 years we've been together both of us have turned each other into bitter, shrivled shells of ourselves that neither of us like. We've done that to each other.

But, we're also better people than that on the inside. I'm not begging and hoping my W will come back, I'm hoping that the woman I know she is inside of her will come back. She wants the same from me.

[TimeHeals]

We've done that to each other.

No, you gave somebody the power to do that to you, so actually you did it to yourself. Read up on boundaries and detaching.

Did you even read the DR?

Ultimately, you are responsible for what you do, and she is responsible for what she does. It's not healthy to own her actions, John. That's why we want you to detach, and you're just not getting it.

It will help if you go very dim (no talk except logistics regarding your son). Go consult with an attorney, and get that all lined up because you need to be ready to protect yourself and your son.

Other than that, right now you just need to let go of this "saving my marriage" stuff and get healthy again.

[john28]

We've done that to each other.

No, you gave somebody the power to do that to you, so actually you did it to yourself. Read up on boundaries and detaching.

Did you even read the DR?

Ultimately, you are responsible for what you do, and she is responsible for what she does. It's not healthy to own her actions, John. That's why we want you to detach, and you're just not getting it.

I guess what I meant to say was that we allowed each other to do this. That's what I meant by we did this to each other. I'm not owning her actions. I'm owning my response to her actions, which further gave her permission to do the same crap.

It will help if you go very dim (no talk except logistics regarding your son). Go consult with an attorney, and get that all lined up because you need to be ready to protect yourself and your son.

Already completed. Didn't want to post that here cause she might find it.

Other than that, right now you just need to let go of this "saving my marriage" stuff and get healthy again.

Ok. I am going dim until Retrouvialle in two weekends. I have said nothing to her about reconcile, don't plan to.

[TimeHeals]

OK..

Now think about this: when she baits you, cajoles you, gets angry to get a response out of you...

you are busy, and you have a lot of thinking to do. You really do. You can be polite and still take time to think about things and make plans for yourself. You are allowed.

[PMA_Baby!]

John - Have you gone back and read your 82 page thread? We all had this pegged in the first 2 pages.

Until you stop making excuses and dtop being in DENIAL nothing will change.

You have been given great advice.

Waiting an hour to call/txt her back is not going dark.

Until you admit your issues with CO-DEPENDENCY. You can not move forward.

Please go back and re-read all the advice and START DOING IT.