You really sound like you're having a hard time controlling your anger over this.
What is the reason you two couldn't come to a temporary financial agreement between yourselves w/o lawyers?
I will give you a warning here. The more you push and threaten the farther and faster your W will run. If that's what you want then continue on this course.
Why don't you try letting her go. Give her money to support herself while she's in school and let her find out what life is like w/o Bobby in it. She may just surprise you and start to miss you and the life you had together.
While you are apart, work on yourself. Get someone to help you work through your anger about this. You don't want to live the rest of your life lonely and bitter, do you?
I am very concerned at present because I do not know what to do at this point. The court hearing was cancelled until she provides the name of a lawyer I am using. She has told me she is moving out on Saturday and because we have been married for 26 years if she delays the process it goes to no-fault and she could try to get 13 years of spousal support because we were married 26 years. I had put her through nursing school and if I had filed she would have gotten temporary spousal support because I put her through nursing school.She would have had to support herself and probably could not go to Dental Hygiene full time on my dime. In any case she wants custody of my daughter and will be moving to a different school district. Her intent was to drop my daughter to my house everyday so she could still go to the same school.The house was refinanced and when it was done she got the equity so the house needs to be titled to me. This is complicated. I know if she goes I have to let her but I still need some type of agreement signed. I am angry because this is happening but there are financial and legal issues that need addressed. BobbyO
Bobby, I am confused about something. I live in Virginia as well. By VA law, a married couple with children has to be separated for 12 months before a spouse can file for divorce. If I may ask, what is different in your situation that your wife was able to file for divorce before she even moved out?
I am sorry man. I know your hurting really bad. Really bad. I know your angry. First off, you are projecting the future because you are scared. I sometimes still do the same thing. Here is the thing Bobby...right now...you really need to sit back and STFU..sit back and give her the freedom to make here choices. Is this wrong? Yes. Does this suck? Yes. Is there anything YOU can do about HER choices - NO.
Your probably feeling defeated right now. Do you know what...YOUR NOT.
You are concerned about financial support? I get it buddy..trust me I get it...I live it every day. Let me ask you a question.
What does worry about all of this get you? NOTHING.
You feel like you have no control over this and to some extent you do not. You do have control over YOU.
Right Bobby - as seeking has pointed out you need to let her go. I'll say it my way...you need to say...."f*ck her" for now. Some people misinterpret when I say this. I am not saying "go screw her, stop loving her, go file" - No I am saying to YOU Bobby that right now you need to step back and think of Bobby for a bit.
Do me a favor...nothing is going to happen today..you are not going to get her to change her mind today. The courts are not going to order anything today.. so here would be my advice...
Bobby, today...sit back and just try and relax. Today, just sit still, the weather in your neck of the woods should be nice today. Go for a walk, enjoy nature, just relax.
God bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Dental hygiene eh? Another woman with an oral fixation? Dental pro's are some effed up people I can tell you
Bobby, why do you need to do anything again? In my case, w left. I didn't ask for that. I didn't agree to that. She just did. Lawyer looked at me and told me that w will have to pay half the house pymnt. At some point I suppose when she finishes school (similarity?)
Wait on it. What's her hurry, Bobby? Ask yourself why she is in such a hurry. And ask yourself and your lawyer what you can do about that. But take a deep breath and go slowly. This is not what you wanted. This is what she wanted. Let her worry. Let her do the work. She thinks that getting rid of you will solve her issues? Ok. Life works like this though: you get rid of one issue, and you get others.
Let her deal with her issues Bobby. But don't take her issues on. Don't try to prevent her from feeling the impact of her choices. And don't try to protect her or feel sorry for her. It'll be ingratiating to her. Annoying. And she will try harder to hurt you. Time to stop that cycle Bobby. Now.
Look for a way to let her carry that burden. So at least she can feel like she accomplished something.
In like a lamb, Bobby.
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
I have not been served papers yet. She will need to file for some type of ground for divorce. There will be a temporary hearing within 21 days of complaint filed. I will have to respond to the complaint point by point. All property, spousal support and child support will be decided temporarily. There will be a final hearing several weeks after the temporary hearing and then usually you can have a separation agreement which is final at one year or do nothing. The problem is if it becomes no fault after 1 year then she can come in and ask for more spousal ssupport or child support. In any case I am not trying to control her but I am trying to look out for me because I am 55 years old and now she will get half of my retirement. I will have to work longer and retire later. Bobby O
I take it that you are the primary bread winner in your household based on your concern about the support issues. I am too and I do understand how stressfull it can be when YOU feel that YOU may get screwed. Trust me dude I get it.
Having said all of this, I want you to avoid the mistakes that I made.
1) Stop trying to talk to her about the D. Don't mention the impact it will have on the kids. Don't mention how YOU may be defestated by the D. Don't say a f*cking word. Nothing.
2) Regarding child support. It is what it is. You do have a responsibility to support your child. Most state use a formula - so she can ask for the world BUT it is the lawyers or the judge that will ultimately decide.
3) Regarding alimony support. You may have grounds to fight this to some extent. That is not to say that she is not entitled too some degree of support. And for the record, if you love this woman wouldn't you want her to be able to at least support herself? Our tendancy in these sitch's is to get pissed off, is to want to revenge is to what to be the victim.
4) Retirement - yes she is entitled to half of it. She is also entitled to half of the home equity and any other assets that you have. Is it fair? Well I don't know - you tell me. I know what I think but that's just me.
Bobby, you are not a victim unless YOU decide to be one. So do you want to be a victim or would you prefer to take back the control over YOUR life. Your W will make her choice, she will make the choices that she believe she needs to make for HER. You Bobby will need to do the same.
So, how does Bobby make choices? The answer to this depends on who Bobby is at his core. Is Bobby a pr*ck? Is Bobby someone who cannot recover from this? Is Bobby the type of person that will hold resentment in his heart? Is Bobby the type of person that will stand the f*ck up and say....I can do this - I can make it - I can survive? You tell me Bobby - what type of man are you.
Oh...that definition is not for me. It is for you. Be the man you want to be. Money is just that money...it does not define you. It never has nor ever will.
Bobby - you are 55 so I get your concern. I am only 40 so maybe I have a little more time to recover from this. BUT let me ask you an another question....would you rather have all of your retirment, have to pay no child support BUT be misserable OR would you prefer to be broke, have nothing BUT have love and joy in your heart. So much love that your W or someone other women would see that and fall madly in love with you. I know my answer Bobby - what's yours.
Finally, a year is a long time buddy...a very long time. Stop looking at her. Stop trying to figure it out. Just stop. Be still for a sec. Gather your thoughts, take this time as a gift to find yourself. Take this time to work on you. Take this time to come up with a game plan. Take this time Bobby...to figure out what makes YOU happy.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Eric, Hey I really do appreciate your insight and you are very logical in your thinking. My problem is that I am letting my emotions lead me. I did call the court and found out that nothing was filed as of this moment. I am the sole support of the family and I do worry about additional bills in this economy.I will follow your plan and clear my head.Thanks Again, Bobby O
I too was the sole provider in my household for a very long time.
I keep telling you to stop trying to control the train. That includes calling the courts to see if something was filed.
Bobby - you are chitting brinks right now and it so apparent in your post. You will need to face this fear head on.
Do you think that you will survive the D? I know you will but do you?
Bills, bills, bills - we all have them. You will do the best that you can. That is all that you can ask of yourself. All that anyone can ask of you.
Your emotions are a wreck right now...I know dude I have been where you are.
When you finally let go...a peace will come over you. It is this letting go that is sooo hard. You want answers and you want them now. Think about this for a second..
Do you know if you will wake up tomorrow? If you did what would you do? I bet...you would live YOUR life to the fullest.
Do you know if you will have a job tomorrow?
Do you know if your car will break down tomorrow?
Do you know if YOUR wife may change her mind tomorrow?
Do you know if YOUR kid may come to you in a year and say she wants to live with you?
Do you know what your life will be like in a year?
Really Bobby what do any of us really know?
Rather that THINK or PROJECT the future why not try and live in the moment. Live for today. Live and be happy right now.
I am not sure if you are spirtual man...if you are what does the bible teach us about worry?
Let it all go Bobby...stand up today and just say that today I;m gonna say f it. Today Bobby will try and be happy. Today Bobby will give up control. Today
Yes today....
Bobby will.....
Just live!
God Bless Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
