The year of not my problem

[AJM]

Journaling:
I spoke to my neighbor last night. One of the things I haven't really done 100% is to let go. To let go the rest of the way. Part of that is guilt for letting go. Silly huh? Only not really. I get that it is somewhat natural to be that way.

What was catching me up was figuring out if this was a temporary thing (insanity?) or if this was going to be permanent. I had to see this through to know. I still can't be sure of her feelings, but I can be sure of mine. I can be sure that it would not work out if she did want to come back. I don't think she will want to, but I can see that our relationship is completely obliterated.

The control thing was one part of it. I cannot be controlled by another. I will not accept that. It's part of what changed in the relationship in the early part - her trying to control me even more than I deem healthy. Then things got wobbly.

I was asking my neighbor how long it was before she gave herself permission to let go the rest of the way. It was helpful to have the discussion.

I see more clearly now: this wasn't just confusion over feelings. This was pure anger and trying to hurt me while trying to control me and getting me to divorce her. Like watching jekyl and hyde much of the time. "Leave me before I hurt you" "shut up and take it!!!!" etc.

The selfishness is not something I can live with. The self-absorbed "look at me, aren't I cool" and low self-esteem person she is, is not something I can live with.

In short, it's an abusive relationship and I refuse to be treated that way.

Still, I was hoping it was a temporary thing and that one day, I would wake up and my fairy tale would come true. It won't.

Although as my MC said, we were a rare couple for her to see, I see now that it is over and just waiting for me to put the final stake in the heart. Funny thing is, I feel some guilt. I also have some resentment that she wants me to be the one to end the marriage and doesn't have the courage to do it officially. I find it cowardly that she wants out and would not execute the divorce proceedings. That she wanted me to be the bad guy in this. That she wanted to be the wounded spouse (see? Look how he treats me. He did x...) Disgusts me. Literally.

So today my focus is to overcome that guilty feeling and let go of the relationship the rest of the way and be at peace with that. Thought I had, but it seems there is more distance to go. I suspect that will be the case for a while though.

One more brick in the wall.

Peace!