My New LBS Reality

[irishblessings]

Gritt ~

I don't know what to say. You're analysis is dead on. I appreciate the guiding questions. I need to spend some time looking for those answers.

I don't want to be a martyr. I don't want to be a victim. I have wanted to serve my M and my family and my H. I was neglected as a child and so I overcompensated as a wife/mother and I've learned that by doing this I have been controlling. I am trying to learn new ways.

I want to be a good, pure, kind, faithful, loving woman. I want to enhance the lives of my family and friends. I don't want to be a burden to anyone. I want to share my life with someone who loves me.

I've got more to think about..

[ericmsant2]

IB

I know that you are having a tough day. Many of us have had days like this.

I want to be a good, pure, kind, faithful, loving woman.

I think you know that you are. Why then are you attaching it to your M?

We are asking you the same question...who is IB outside of being a mother, wife, good catholic...

IB - I hope you do not think we are beating up on you (FTR - there were a few posted that I wanted to kill for a while there but they pushed me....they pushed me to find what i needed to find - that IB is what we are doing).

Honey this is some really hard chit. I cannot say that enough..it really is tough. The deeper you go into IB...the more you will find and I am almost sure that what you find you will like. It will be the answers that you are looking for.

As Seeking has said to you...this has to be out YOU IB..not about your H. God will take care of him - just trust him.

Oh...and I hope you have a better day tomorrow. BTW...did you go get the nails done? Have you treated yourself to all of your hard work?

God Bless,
Eric

[dl443322]

You know, IB, sometimes throughout all this, we have a tendency to think and think and think. Now, most of the time, that is a good thing.

It leads to changes, it helps us understand, etc.

But sometimes, we have to just be.

We have to just live our lives.

We have to just accept ourselves with all our faults and just try to find what makes us happy.

Just be for a little while, sweetie. Just be still.

[irishblessings]

Eric and Brooklyn -
Thanks for caring enough to post. I promise I don't flinch from the feedback:) No nails yet - but it's coming this weekend:)

B - you are so right about the thinking vs. stillness! And I think this slide started because I responded to H's email on Monday. Darkness is better for me - the pain and hurt is still too deep/too fresh. The contact - even though it was benign - was too much for me to handle. Stirred up feelings of love, betrayal, sadness, etc. I'm not ready yet to handle. There is a part of me that wonders if I'll EVER be ready to handle it - but right now, I am still too deep in mourning.

I am so thankful for your care and support.

Today will be a better day!

[seeking answers]

IB,

One thing I can promise you is that it does get better if you let it.

Recognize that this is a process for you too. You're doing the work and you will come out the other side of this better than OK, no matter what happens in your sitch.

(((Hugs)))

[ericmsant2]

IB

In my sitch - I had to cut off all forms of communication (outside of anything related to the kids). It has helped tremendously, so I agree with you that going dark maybe the way to go for you.

In my cases, every time I spoke to her, every time I saw her - it was pain...pure raw pain. It would set me back for days/weeks at a time. As you begin to really detach it get's a lot better. As seeking says....this really is a process for YOU as well.

Your doing better than you think IB...much better.

God Bless,
Eric

[PEI]

I had to own up to my own things - behaviors he perceived as disrespectful or destructive. I have worked hard and changed a lot of these things over the past 3 years. I have done a lot of work - made noticeable changes that friends and family acknowledge. I sit here today probably more deeply devastated because of that work I did. I have NO regrets about those changes and I feel good about the sacrifices I made to stay in my M. Maybe that's why I'm struggling so much with the mirror. Where do I go now?

I know that others have already addressed this, but it jumped out at me and I wanted to post ... sweetie, that wasn't a mirror. It was a window, a window through which you saw him looking at you. Did you perceive those behaviours as disrespectful or destructive? To him, to yourself? What behaviours would you want to change for you? Why does it matter to you that friends and family have acknowedged those changes?

Do you really have NO regrets about the changes, if so, why are you even more deeply devastated? Why did you feel like you had to make sacrifices to stay in your M?

Irish, you ask "where do I go now?" ... and I would agree with Brooklyn, take some time to be still. Just be.

Then, when you are ready, I would suggest holding that mirror up, when no one else is around, when you are truly alone and starting to look really deep. REALLY look at Irish, the woman ... not Irish the wife, not Irish the mother, not Irish the daughter, not Irish the good catholic ... Irish the woman, the individual. WHO is she? WHO does she want to be? WHAT does she believe about herself? WHAT does she know about herself? WHAT is her truth? WHAT does she want for herself? These are hard questions, for everyone, but incredibly hard for guilt-ridden catholic mothers who haven't thought about themselves in years, if ever.

If it were me, I'd probably start here ...

I was neglected as a child

What internal dialogue have you been listening to for your entire adult life as a result of this? Dig deep Irish. Really feel as you go through this. It hurts sweetie, I'm not gonna sugarcoat it. You will re-live every piece of the hurt as you dredge up those buried skeletons. You no longer need to be defined by the actions of others. You are not that neglected child, you were always more important that that, just because you were YOU. You deserve to be loved because you are YOU, just the way you are without bending over backwards and busting your ass to prove your worthiness. Sweetie ... DIG.

You can do it. We believe in you.

Peace
PEI

[ericmsant2]

You no longer need to be defined by the actions of others

AMEN!

[warriorshadow]

IB,
Your bomb was dropped within 7 days of my bomb drop. We both have been in this mess roughly the same amount of time.
I totally get how you feel. Man it is tough some days, I have had
a very rough last 7 days or so. Every day seems like you have to relearn detachment and you get tested when you seem like you are least ready for it. I know it hurts. I also know that each time you get this pain, you are growing stronger. This is the strength that will carry you forward. Sorry if that is not what you wanted to hear but I want you to know you are far from being alone with how you feel. This stuff is very, very hard. But you will make it and it will be ok. You did not ask for this journey.
But I see it in you that you will come out a much stronger better IB than you can even see or imagine right now. You are not a quitter, in a society with so many quitters. Stand tall knowing that no matter what happens just as SA has told you. You have got great people with you here. Who does your H got? Nothing,Nada, surface people. No thank you please. People who only care about themselves. Hang in there.

[irishblessings]

Thanks all for your support and your perspective. I hope you know how much I appreciate your time and thoughtfulness.
H
Had dinner with oldest D and S. They are amazing. They are like "you need to get mad" "you need to get pissed off" - "we are" / and they were like - "if you take him back right now we will be so angry" - I promised them that if H came to the door today there would be A LOT of work that would need to be done before he would be coming home. They were relieved. They have been through a lot over the past few years especially - I told them that I do and have always loved their dad. That this time of hurtful decisions on his part would never erase all the years of good decisions. They said that they missed the old dad - the one who would play loud funky music when cleaning the house or making waffles - but that this person who he has become is not that same man. I asked them to understand that I needed to be away from him for a while. They understood.

H emailed me and asked me if I had made plans with the kids for the long weekend - wanted to know before he contacted them to see if he can get together with them. I did not respond. Each of the three kids have different plans at different times and the bottom line is they know where I'll be - and that will be home for them. I do not want to respond to him right now. I need healing space.

Thanks folks for your patience with me and my backsliding! I'm forever grateful!