Newer Game- Moving Forward

[steady]

Probably not a good day to post but I'm going to throw "where I am" out there.

No such thing as not a good day to post.

I am not satified with where I am in the process.

That's normal. Especially for a person who sets high expectations for themselves. I think you've moved along quite rapidly and I've seen others comment the same.

(detachment is)..you are not emotionally affected by these actions even though the love still burns inside your heart for the WAS.

I am still attached. There is no doubt.

Yup. You will be until you're not. Another process that you have no control over. For me, it was a combination of the work I was doing on myself, the feedback I was getting here, serendipitous events in my life, my W's behaviors, and a total accumulation of everything I have experienced, which got me to the point of detachment. Then some more, then some more, then some more, today some more, tomorrow some more....

Whenever I work on ME and try to understand how I contributed to the state of the M, it makes me think about her and our interactions. Followed immediately by my remorse for not understanding my "issues" then as opposed to now.

I told my W tonight - I'm sorry how things went. But I also know neither one of us could have done anything different. If I knew then what I know now I would have done it much different. But it was the experience of then until now that got me to the point where I could even say that. Don't feel guilty. You had the tools you had and did what you could do with the tools you had.

You're now building a better toolbox. It's actually got bearings on the drawer slide rails.

Which brings me to the sadness over where we are now; her choices; and the hurt she must have experienced that led her to be vulnerable to the A. She clearly felt that talking with me about the R was useless so she spoke to OM about it and down the slippery slope to EA she went.

Nobody drives another person into an A. Period. They like you to think so because that makes it 'make sense' to them. But unless you had a gun to her head it's not your fault. Your fault lies in your responsibility for your half of the R.

Her fault lies in her half. Don't confuse her fault as somehow your responsibility. That's impossible.

I told my W tonight - I don't blame you for the things I did. My behavior was my issue and not yours. She said, thanks because you used to blame me. I said, I don't blame you for my behavior, but your issues and my issues came together like gasoline and fire. You're still responsible for your part in it, but I can't blame you for mine.

So, yes, there is blame I am accepting and regret I am feeling.

Fine. Regret it, take the blame for what you were responsible for, forgive yourself for real - knowing you did the best you could with what you had. She did too. Let it go.

This does not absolve her of her decision or her actions.

Absolutely. All that is for her to own.

Despite all the work I have put into all of this, I can see now that the underlying motive remains to be "saving the M and getting her back"

Natural point to hit in the process. Now you can begin to shift that to working on you for you.

The work on ME now seems insincere; a secondary benefit.

Not insincere at all. All of it still counts. You're just figuring out you've had a different motive than you thought. No big deal. And it's actually a primary benefit. You benefit the most for all your changes. The secondary benefits are the people around you get to have the new and improved CD. You're primary, they're secondary.

Indifference is devoid of love or hate for the person. You just simply are no longer invested in the process or the outcome. It is often when DBer's have done a great deal of introspection, self-examination, and conducting a through autopsy of the M that they have reached the conclusion that being D is not a "sign of failure" but a necessary step for personal growth...

Absolutely spot on Wonka.

Indifference would be "DONE", correct?

It's way past done. Done isn't even in the equation. Think about how you feel about a girlfriend you had in high school. You're way past done. It doesn't even register for you to wonder.

Now I am second-guessing everything.

So stop. It's all guessing anyway. It can't be any more than guessing. So why guess at all?

My confidence is not where it needs to be.

Ok. It ebbs and flows. Nothing abnormal about that - except it sucks when it's down and feels good when it's up. It will come back up again.

I'm guessing your lack of confidence stems from your lack of clarity you think you should have. You're judging yourself with the wrong yardstick. Get the one that's not so clear and you'll be good to go. You're not supposed to have that clarity right now. Just accept that. You're in a transition.

I'm hoping that this is just the "impending Thursday Anniversary" talking.

It's a HUGE trigger. It's totally screwing with your mind - if you are conscious of a little of it, it's an iceberg and the rest of it is in your subconscious. That's the way the triggers are for me anyway.

Sorry to be losing my grip right now but I just am. Not a pity-party. Just really "lost".

You're not lost. Just in unfamiliar territory. It's like going into a room that is dark for the first time. You have to bump into things to get a lay of the land. It's called the unknown my friend. Learn to love it.