How should I handle MLC direct lying?

[ericmsant2]

amg

I am in the same camp as you, Grit and Missher. I have not posted to either thread as I have been trying to gather my thoughts.

Reading your post prompted me to at least respond (I will still respond on my own thread as well with probably a lot more detail). So here goes...

The proverbial question..."when do I know if I am done"

Grit's post make some statements that I agree 100% with. I especially agree with Cat's response on his thread.

In short, I think that you "will just know". Now that does not sound like a very "deep" answer but it is how I feel. I also think that for some of us (myself included) we will also love our spouses, even after all of the chit that they put us through. That love though...is one that grow to respect the spouses choices - not agree - but respect them.

Now I will say that I cannot say that I am "standing" for my marriage per se. I choose not to try and define what I am doing. I think sometime we can all get caught up in the "I'm standing" statement. What I can tell you, is that I am simply living my life. If my W cares to join me then great. The woman I love is back in my life. If she decided not to join me, well then I am still a much better person than when I started this journey. I love my wife with all my heart. I also love myself. The woman I fell in love with..wanted the best for me...wanted my happiness. So I will honor that woman..I will honor her by 1) finding my happiness and not making it HER job to make me happy and 2) By respecting her individuality by respecting that right now she is done (or so she thinks she is) and 3) by loving her unconditionally.

Loving unconditionally...we all toss it our there. Many of us claim to have it. Yet...we must get our way. We want what we want when we want it. Is this unconditional love? As Grit mentions in one of his post...can I say that I love you, even if you do not give me what I want? Can I say that I love you and expect nothing in return? I think many people also feel that if you love someone unconditionally that you cannot be angry. IMO - this is false..I think you can be really pissed at a person yet still love them unconditionally. Some feel that you will not feel sad if you love someone unconditionally. I disagree with this thought process as well. I think that part of our healing process is grieving the old marriage...the old marriage that I think we all need to let go off.

I have come to realize how important it is to let go of our spouse. I personally think some folks believe that I may be suggesting that people move on. Quite the contrary.

Letting go, is really allowing our spouses the space and time that they need to fix or address there issues. It put the LBS in a place where they too can work on there issues. I will say that letting go is probably the biggest challenge for the LBS. You are left wondering what is wrong with YOU. You are left with the carnage of the MLCer choices. You are left with the pain.

BUT

I think letting go is necessary in order to ultimately save a marriage. It is also necessary for the LBS to truly heal...to truly become a healthy and whole individual again. It is that health and whole individual that would be in a position to take our MLC spouse back if and when they wake up.

You know it is funny...if you look at MLC...one of the more common issues that the spouses will complain about (at least in a lot of the stichs that I have seen although not all) is control. We tend to chalk it up as MLC script but I wonder how many of us really understand what that control complaint is all about to our spouses. Think about for a sec...

The MLCer says that they felt they were controlled. In some cases, I think we still substantiate that control issue by our inability to let go. By not letting go we just may be continuing to exert OUR control over how THEY feel.

Now I am not saying we should not stand for our beliefs. I am not saying that we should just hand over what they want, especially if they are ill (do you give a drug addict drugs if they ask for them - no). What I am saying is sometime I think we fight them tooth and nail and hold on to them instead of really letting them go, which as I mentioned above can be perceived by them as a form of control.

Look at it from there perspective. They want out - we say no. They think we don't get it. They think that once again we are not listening to what they need and what.

The reason we so no is because it is what WE want. What about what THEY want. Do they not have a right to make choice that are good for them. Once again, I am not suggesting in ANY WAY SHAPE OR FORM that we the LBS should just sit back and say.."yeah go ahead file". What I am saying is that when you let go I believe, you validate how they feel and give them the room they need to make the choice that ultimately they will live by. And once again...by letting go you put yourself in a position to heal.

Once you are healed you can then make the choice that is best for YOU and YOUR family.

Sorry if this does not help you amg...I will say it helped me to get this out.

God Bless,
Eric