Not sure where to start, or end. WAW?

[john28]

Wait. I think I get it. She wanted to have a "family" moment with me, even though she's ripping our family apart. For some sense of normalcy, she asked for a family moment.

I accepted, no matter how I spin it.

I caved. I get it I think.

[Lotus]

I'm not pursuing at all. I let her call me 6 times, leave 3 voicemails, and send 3 text messages before I called her back. It was concerning our son. I declined an invite. Then she invited me to another time with our son and mutual friends. I said I didn't know, but pencil me in.

Is that bad?

Not in my book. As someone asked the other day, "If he cooks me dinner, then I should call him an a$$hole?"

[bustorama]

I am a card-carrying member of the Clueless Club, too =) Just chiming in that I am happily following along.

BTW, my W did a similar thing during the first 1-2 weeks of our sep where she had my D5 (then D4) call me on the phone asking me to come over to have strawberry shortcake with them (BETTY CROCKERISM!)

[pinhead]

Wait. I think I get it. She wanted to have a "family" moment with me, even though she's ripping our family apart. For some sense of normalcy, she asked for a family moment.

I accepted, no matter how I spin it.

I caved. I get it I think.

Exactly. She's in control. She wants you to spend time with 'her', she uses your son. She is driving the boat.

[Lotus]

And if her complaint about you is that you worked all the time and didn't pay attention to her and your son, then how do you improve things by refusing to go spend time with her and your son? This is just a form of manipulation, and it is very likely to backfire on you. If you want to reconcile, then wrestling for control is not the answer. The first one to file is in control.

[Coach]

Not in my book. As someone asked the other day, "If he cooks me dinner, then I should call him an a$$hole?"

Where do you get that conclusion from?


I got money that says he gets served in the next week. Has John seen a L yet, is he protecting himself? Why is he letting his wife use his son in her games? Why confuse his son by acting like a family? As long as John stays her little puppet she won't respect him.

It's not kicking her to the curb, it's John detaching and looking at the situation like a man. She left on her own. Her behavior in the past is atrocious and she uses the same tricks to keep him in line. John needs to take action for himself and his son.

[PMA_Baby!]

I'm confused.

When has doing what she wanted worked?

Once again. She is the one that had multiple affairs, she is the one that has said she is done and doesnt want to be married to him.

She is the one that is CONTROLLING the R. When she calls he answers. When she says to come over he goes.

How has that mentality been working?

DB principle #1 - Stop doing what doesn't work. Just because she says the reason she had the MULTIPLE AFFAIRS is because he didn't spend time... blah blah blah.... What creditability does she have???

Until he takes back CONTROL and RESPECT nothing will ever change.

[john28]

Exactly. She's in control. She wants you to spend time with 'her', she uses your son. She is driving the boat.

Yes, I agree that she is driving the boat when she invites me and I accept. It is on her terms, with what she wants to do, with what she wants to do with me.

And if her complaint about you is that you worked all the time and didn't pay attention to her and your son, then how do you improve things by refusing to go spend time with her and your son? This is just a form of manipulation, and it is very likely to backfire on you. If you want to reconcile, then wrestling for control is not the answer. The first one to file is in control.

Ok. This is exactly what I'm thinking. One of the things that she did complain about is me never spending time with the family. Always worked/golf/never was "there" when I was there.

I got money that says he gets served in the next week. Has John seen a L yet, is he protecting himself? Why is he

Can't. One year separation minimum in my state before D can be filed. Worst case she speeds up mediation and cancels Retrouvialle.

It's not kicking her to the curb, it's John detaching and looking at the situation like a man. She left on her own. Her behavior in the past is atrocious and she uses the same tricks to keep him in line. John needs to take action for himself and his son.

Completely agree. So, how would I do this without making her feel like I am abandoning my family - granted, that's what she has done. How do I graciously decline spending time with her when that's what she wanted all throughout our M?

I'm confused.

When has doing what she wanted worked?

Once again. She is the one that had multiple affairs, she is the one that has said she is done and doesnt want to be married to him.

She is the one that is CONTROLLING the R. When she calls he answers. When she says to come over he goes.

Until he takes back CONTROL and RESPECT nothing will ever change.

I feel in control when I can say no. In most cases, I am her "yes man". I just give up and apologize all the time in our R.

.................

Ok. I'm getting conflicting feelings about this. I would like someone to explain to me the following:

- She lost interest in our R when I was not spending time with our family. Regardless of what happened after that (affairs), it is true. How do I correct that? And detach? Or do I detach first, then correct that behavior later?
- If I am detaching, she needs to know that I'm not just ignoring her and hurting her by "not being there". I was considering the next time she calls cancelling the plans tomorrow and saying:

"W, I don't want to let you down by not going to this thing tomorrow. I really want to see S4 and our friends. But, I have to work out how I feel about you, and acting like a family especially in front of our friends right now when we're not together does not help me. After everything that has happened, I need some time to figure out how I feel about us."

Thoughts?

[Lotus]

John,

You are obviously a bright guy. This is a dilemma. I think you are smart enough to figure out how to handle it. Just be sure that you "own" your decision. You do what you do because you think it is the best thing to do, not because people you have never met advised you to do it on a bulletin board.

[john28]

Ok. I think I will still go and:

1. Focus on my S4.
2. Be awesome super interesting non-wimp John. Assertive. Confident. Attractive.

I get him on Thur morning - Sat morn. So that will definitely be 2 days I don't see her. I can do this in spurts and not avoid her.

We'll see what happens when she calls to put s4 to bed tonight and I don't converse.