The year of not my problem

[AJM]

Journaling:
Sometimes reading the boards can send me for a loop. I sometimes lose my perspective. I go back time and again and re-read some of the posts. I try to help others as they go through their own journey. I try to ask questions to better see the picture somebody posts. Many people do post their side of the story (naturally, right?) and it can skew what suggestions we might give.
I've been guilty of that. I've seen many that are as well. The boards can help or they can hinder. But either way I am very thankful for the boards. I've learned a great deal. About me, about life, about my family. Things have really come alive for me, where before they were becoming shades of gray (or is that grey?)
I see things very differently this afternoon. I've been soul searching as read the stories of walk away spouses. I'm struck by the common theme: he needs to change. I waited and waited and he never did, so I left. I strongly encourage anyone thinking like that to reconsider who they are and why they expect others to change. Why they expect others to bring them happiness when they cannot be happy themselves. When they do not know how to get the love they want without resorting to leaving or bullying or otherwise using guerilla tactics.
To those that encourage that, please consider the damage you are suggesting; perhaps there is a different way? I don't know the answer to that. I do know that if people cannot live with something, they change. Makes sense. But to inflict that change on another to get what you want? What would you do if you got that change via those tactics? Would it matter to you? Would you trust it? Would you feel in control? Would you like that?

I'm not saying people don't need to change and of course I'm not condoning abusive behavior. But I am questioning those tactics as a way to get what you want.

My STBX tried that with me. I see that. She later came back and has apologized and has done a myriad of other things to spread the confusion that rages in her. I almost believed some of it. It hurt. I do see the power struggle though.

I know that I cannot live as a controlled human being. Never could. I've seen her even recently try to control me like a teen would control their parents. A spoiled teen that is. That's not for me and I am glad to not be part of that. Sick. Sad.

I get it now. One more piece of the puzzle: she will continue to try and control me as a way to try and get what she wants. That will eventually die down, but it will be a while.

One more brick in the wall. I'll go back for more.

See, I realize that when she said she couldn't figure it out because she was angry about how I was with the kids (later went back and told me 'we're just different') I see that as controlling. Attempting to. I bristle at that from anyone. It's who I am.

Don't get me wrong, I see the MLC. I see that she was looking for a reason to leave me and the kids. I am proud that I stuck with it and tried very hard to reconnect her with the kids. I will never be sorry about that. I feel proud I tried to make the marriage work. Heck, I'm glad I cried and suffered like I did. It reminds me that it was all worth it and that I did not waste my time for the last 20 years in a hateful relationship. I get that.

I also understand more now about why the MC/IC said it was mostly her issues and not mine. I see the childhood issues. The personality problems. I see the ugly where before it was irrelevant to me (I'm not blind).
I realize that although my initial reaction was placating, any reaction or non-reaction would not have changed things. Perhaps to not almost kill me, but otherwise....

More later. Tired now.
I have a big day tomorrow. And still some root beer floats with the kids.