Dear Dudess, It’s already growing chillier where I live; fall is close. And I also feel that I'm transitioning into a new phase of my life, so I can feel the end of my posting on these boards is coming. So I wanted to write you and thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for the help and support you offered me while I was here. Back in the spring, I joined the boards as ‘Prairiegirl’ and was greatly confused and unhappy with about the distance and communication troubles in my M.
Your always-on-target questions and steady encouragement made me take a hard look, and really see that my H's interactions with me were hurting me - whether it was unintentional or not; to stop sweeping it under the rug and minimizing it; to see that it was very serious and that I was important enough to get it resolved.
Your patient listening, insights and advice made me feel validated and therefore helped me learn to trust my own feelings, and act on them. Even down to the kafuffle around cooking that stupid ham while we were camping! You reminded me that hey - if it was that important to him, why didn’t he just do it himself, rather than acting like a parent to me and ‘instructing’ me how to do it! You shared with me your unique ability to cut through all the confusion, to make the core principle of any conflict I was having so simple and so clear. I can tell you how greatly that helped me when speaking my feelings thoughts and opinions to my H.
As far as positive changes there have been many. He hasn’t said one disrespectful thing to me in public since this spring; quite the opposite actually; I notice more and more him saying kind and complimentary things about me in front of friends and family. He’s still pretty closed about sharing his own feelings, but continues to follow my lead; if I share mine with him, he’ll sometimes share his with me too. He also listens to my concerns and apologizes if I feel he’s speaking out of turn or if I’m hurting. I haven’t heard ‘you shouldn’t feel like that’ for months. Yah, he still tries to fix, but if I let him know what I’m needing to hear in that moment instead, he does his best to switch gears and oblige.
I still flub up lots. And so does he. And we still have these stretches of time where we’re so disconnected I still wonder if this is a healthy place for either of us. I know I cannot predict what the future may have in store for our M - who can, in even the best of marriages? But I’m learning to value my own life enough now that it’s becoming a pretty cool place to be. I’ve cut back on a lot of the work I was using as an excuse to not deal with my problems. I’ve recently set the goal of running a 1/2 marathon next fall, and this weekend took my first a road trip - all alone! - to paint outside (I’m an artist). It was so freeing, and made me excited and more motivated to plan more trips and become the full-time professional artist I’ve always wanted to be. I’m currently in one gallery in our city, but with the extra time I have now from cutting back on other projects, I have enough time to paint that I think I can find another to represent me as well. The thought of this is very motivating and exciting. So I'm finally becoming less worried about chasing my H’s attention; and more concerned with chasing my own dreams. For the first time in a long time, I wake up and look forward to what I can create for MY future. I’d bet that if I keep that as my primary focus (not the sole focus mind you, just my first priority) the rest - including my M - will fall into line. If it doesn’t? I know I’ll still be great.
So thank you for your help in getting me to this place. I’ll never forget you or your kind advice, help and support. You’ve made a real difference in my life, and I wish only the best for you in your own journey. Take care, Prairiegirl (aka FindingMyVoice).
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
There you are! I have wondered how you've been doing. Perfect new name for you.
I am so touched by your thank you. I am very glad to hear that my input helped. It does my heart good to see things working out for you and especially to see you finding your voice.
Oh Dudess, it really did help. I'll never be able to thank you enough. You gave me such courage and made me feel like I wasn't so alone. I felt badly for just 'leaving' so abruptly and for not writing you my thanks under my old name. So, this was long overdue and I'm so glad you found it. I hope your summer's been a lovely one - you deserve all the best!
Originally Posted By: Dudess
BTW, how's your lilac bush?
And how sweet of you for remembering. My H took me out this summer and bought me THREE! It's like a little forest of lilacs out there now!
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
I thought it was a pivotal moment when your H was explaining the problems with lilacs and you said 'I want one anyway'.
I'll bet your H is happier getting those lilacs for you than he would have been talking you out of them.
I love lilacs too. One reason I rented this apartment is the big lilac bush outside my door. Their flowering season is very brief each year, but there is nothing else like the fragrance of lilacs.
My summer has been pretty good. (Happily, there is still a month of summery weather ahead where I live.) I've been a bit frustrated that I haven't progressed as quickly as I thought I would in rebuilding my life. I'm getting there though. I think I underestimated how profoundly living with emotional abuse affected me.
I am glad that your H seems to be rising to the occasion. I tend to think that will continue. Either way, it is clear that YOU are stronger now, whatever happens.
I thought it was a pivotal moment when your H was explaining the problems with lilacs and you said 'I want one anyway'.
LOL! You're right! Up til then I probably would have let myself get sucked into defending, explaining why I should be 'allowed' to get one; proving to him that I wasn't a bad person for wanting one; 'showing' him the error of his thinking. Yeesh! And it would never work anyways! It just felt so good to just say 'I want one anyway!'. And even better, it worked!
Originally Posted By: Dudess
I'll bet your H is happier getting those lilacs for you than he would have been talking you out of them.
LOL again! You got that right!
Originally Posted By: Dudess
I love lilacs too. One reason I rented this apartment is the big lilac bush outside my door. Their flowering season is very brief each year, but there is nothing else like the fragrance of lilacs.
That sounds lovely - so nice to look forward to after a cold winter. What color are they?
Originally Posted By: Dudess
I've been a bit frustrated that I haven't progressed as quickly as I thought I would in rebuilding my life. I'm getting there though. I think I underestimated how profoundly living with emotional abuse affected me.
I'm very sorry to hear of your frustration and of how long-lasting its effects have been. My heart really goes out to you and so wish you wouldn't have had to experience such hurt. How many years were you with your XH Dudess? And, do you have a good support system? Friends, family, a therapist etc? I'm glad to hear you still feel you're making some progress, albeit slower than you'd hoped. I'm happy to listen/read too, if you'd like another ear. I think sometimes we can 'release' things more easily in our writing, than we can verbally.
Well I'm sorry to say I'd better go. I have to pack for a short trip I'm taking - family funeral unfortunately - but I'll be back in a couple days. Please do write back, I'd like to extend my support to you too, as you continue to work at rebuilding your life. Take care, FMV.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
Morning all, just got back from my trip so thought I'd say hello. I still have a few thank-yous to write to different folks here, just trying to think of the right words.
Funeral was good, as far as funerals go. Things went poorly with my mother (surprise). Got emotionally beat up, pretty thoroughly. So covert. So sly it's hard to know what to say when it's happening. Tried to change my reaction but not successful. So a little disappointed in myself.
BUT H was great upon my return. Listened, and listened and shared his G&T with me. No judgement. No 'you shouldn't do that/feel that'. It was good to come home.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
My thank you to 12bar, I know there's a chance you may never read this, as you're on with your life now and might never see this post. But I wanted to tell you how important you've been to me in this journey. You always seemed to be there when I needed you, and for that I'll always be grateful. One comment you made to me that I'll always remember, was after a particularly hard day. I was winging out about my sitch, I felt overwhelmed angry and lost all at the same time. I went on and on in my post and just felt helpless. And you replied that 'it was ok, to just let it out'. That stays with me still, and I think it always will. It was so surprising to me that someone would stand by me - and a total stranger at that, someone I've never even met - and let me feel what I needed to, express it how I needed to, and that I (and everything else) was going to be ok. It was incredibly reassuring; incredibly validating.
I also thank you for helping me remember how important it is to create a strong circle of friends for myself and to GAL!!!. Although I'm thinking of how dirty my car is right now (Ack!), that first day I cleaned it out was such an important first step for me. I still remember how good that felt listening to the vacuum go 'schnoook squoook' (I LOVE that noise!!) as it picked up all the dust and mess off the carpets, and how wonderful it felt to sit in it after it was tidy and nice, and to know I gave this little gift to myself. Thank you also for encouraging me to continue playing my guitar... it's one of the things I treasure most in my life. I hope one day I'll be as good at it, as I imagine you are!
I thank you for being there for me that one Sunday when I felt like I was falling apart. I think my H was off on yet another weekend trip and I felt so alone, so discarded. All I could do was just sit and cry, be angry and yell at no-one. When I posted asking if you were around, there you were. I think you were cleaning your car and you still took time away from your day to listen to me, and to offer your kind insights. I can't tell you what a difference that made to me, to reach out in that moment and to receive your support and help. Still chokes me up so that's all I can say about that right now.
Finally, thank you for just staying there with me through the worst of it. For reading my sometimes never-ending self-analyzing posts. It made me feel like I wasn't alone. I'll always remember that.
I'll continue to think good strengthening thoughts for you, your W and your M. Warm hugs to you 12bar, you deserve all the happiness and love in the world.
And if you'll excuse me, I have to go clean out my car now.
All my best, Prairiegirl.
I cannot complain for not receiving from others, that which I've never asked them for.
And how sweet of you for remembering. My H took me out this summer and bought me THREE! It's like a little forest of lilacs out there now! 
as it picked up all the dust and mess off the carpets, and how wonderful it felt to sit in it after it was tidy and nice, and to know I gave this little gift to myself. Thank you also for encouraging me to continue playing my guitar... it's one of the things I treasure most in my life. I hope one day I'll be as good at it, as I imagine you are!