Gritt and SA -- thanks for the wake-up call. I really don't know why I can't seem to push through this. I've tried to do everything right and I think maybe I'm trying too hard to do certain things right and avoiding the mirror work. The mirror work is more exhausting than the day to day. I often feel like I don't even know how to begin the mirror work. I read / I journal and try to find answers but I never seem to be able to translate things into action. I am SO SAD about what has happened and I keep getting stuck in the grief. Fortunately, I haven't backslid into any R pursuit or R talks with H. I just feel flattened by what he has done. I always take responsibility for everything - at what point can I say HE did TERRIBLE things to ME and I DIDN'T DESERVE it. Is it awful that I want him to feel regrets (he doesn't) - remorse (he doesn't) - how is it that time after time he cheated with wh*res and he said he didn't have remorse because he was so unhappy. I'm afraid that my story will be the one that ends with HIM being so much happier in another relationship (proving he was right all along) and I will end up ALONE and UNLOVED! How can I and most everyone around me have thought we had a great love, friendship, family and life and yet he be so convinced it was always wrong?
I need HELP!
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
You are trying to "thing" yourself through this. It is normal.
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at what point can I say HE did TERRIBLE things to ME and I DIDN'T DESERVE it.
When you feel like saying it. IB...Once you really detach and by this I mean stop looking at everything that he does, everything he says, every little look he give you, everything about HIM - then you will begin to focus on YOU.
So what is this...what is the focus. First off, everyone is different. LEt me ask you a few questions....
Do you think that what your H is doing is wrong? If so, why?
Do you think that he does not have any remorse over what he has done? Why?
Can you step back and look at the M from a different perspective? What do YOU see when you do this.
As usual, I will get a little personal...once i really began to detach I realized how much damage I did in the M. For example, did I really value her opinion? I mean seriously did i? Did I give her the space she needed to be an individual? Did i validate her concerns/issues? You see all of my questions were about MYSELF...yes she was part of the question but really I wanted to understand more about me.
None of this you can "think" through...you really have to just feel it..walk through it...go through it.
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I'm afraid that my story will be the one that ends with HIM being so much happier in another relationship
Why are you afraid of him being happy. Is he the only one that makes YOU happy? Here is good place for you to begin to look at. Why did you expect HIM to MAKE YOU HAPPY? Is he not entitled to his own happiness? Are you not? Unconditional love...we say we love but we have an expectation. Does unconditional love mean that you agree with all of his actions? NO. It really means that you respect and love him enough to really let him figure this chit out on his own. All the time...you are figuring your stuff out, which is very difficult when all you think of is him.
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I will end up ALONE and UNLOVED!
This screams lack of self esteem and confidence. Why do you think you will be alone? Remember if you read my thread I have felt the same way. Know what... neither you or I know what the future brings. Think about what he was attracted to when you first met. Better yet...think about what YOU would find most attractive in someone...I bet some of it is self esteem and confidence. You seemed to have lost yours. FTR - I really get it...may do I. I lost mine for a while. It is normal. Well now, IB it is time for you to find it....find it for yourself...find it for you emotional well being...once you find it...He just may see it and want to come back.
This is a long process IB...
You were not wrong about your M. There was love - stop doubting yourself....let YOU and HIM go...
Dig IB...don't be afraid...be honest with yourself...brutly honest...all the answers to your question about YOU are in YOU...Dig...dig...dig...
You can do this...you don't see what I see in you... Your hurt...but your surviving. Your confused yet you are searching. Patience honey...patience...it will come.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
I have the very same thoughts all the time. Today has been a tough day. Our emotions tell us these things, even when our minds tell us the truth. The truth is neither of us deserved this. We are good people, and we deserve to be happy. I know I CAN be happy without my H, but I WANT to be happy with him.
I have self esteem and self confidence. What I don't have is a husband that loves me, and that loss is sometimes more than I think I can bear. But we go on. We get up every morning, eat our post toasties, put on our socks and shoes and go out to play. Breath in and breath out.
I know you are grateful for this board to be able to express these feelings, feelings you normally never show anybody. I'm the same way. It's just a bad day. Leave it at that. Tomorrow may be the day everything turns around. (( HUGS))
Why are you afraid of him being happy. Is he the only one that makes YOU happy? Here is good place for you to begin to look at. Why did you expect HIM to MAKE YOU HAPPY? Is he not entitled to his own happiness? Are you not? Unconditional love...we say we love but we have an expectation. Does unconditional love mean that you agree with all of his actions? NO. It really means that you respect and love him enough to really let him figure this chit out on his own. All the time...you are figuring your stuff out, which is very difficult when all you think of is him.
This is a hard piece for me Eric. I probably am afraid of him being happy WITH someone else. No he is not the only one that makes me happy - but he is the one I committed / chose to love. I don't understand why he won't do the same. I started looking in that mirror and at our M from a different perspective 3 years ago when the As started. EAs at first then PAs. I had to own up to my own things - behaviors he perceived as disrespectful or destructive. I have worked hard and changed a lot of these things over the past 3 years. I have done a lot of work - made noticeable changes that friends and family acknowledge. I sit here today probably more deeply devastated because of that work I did. I have NO regrets about those changes and I feel good about the sacrifices I made to stay in my M. Maybe that's why I'm struggling so much with the mirror. Where do I go now?
Punkin - I know that you are right. It is a BAD day - these feelings have just overwhelmed me.
M-48/XH-48 M=25/T=28 years Ds-24,22/S-18 D - 3/11 A Day at a Time
Now the work you do is for YOU. Not to please H, not to get him to stay home, not to get him to come back, but for you.
You now have choices. You can grow in ways that please you. If your H happens to awaken you may find that he's running after you to catch up. If he doesn't, it's his loss.
There is a freedom in not having to answer to anybody but yourself.
I had to own up to my own things - behaviors he perceived as disrespectful or destructive.
You made these changes for H and now he has changed the game on you.
Not good enough for him.
You know why?
Because you are not the problem Irish.
Stop blaming yourself for this.
Your M failing.
And not being good enough for H.
Good for you that you made changes.
Are they really changes for you?
Now
Originally Posted By: Irish
I have NO regrets about those changes and I feel good about the sacrifices I made to stay in my M.
Why are you the sacrificial lamb?
Why is this all for him and the M?
As a fellow Catholic I am going to challenge you on your belief here.
I know what we learn.
Supplication, judgement, guilt, sacrifice for your M.
It does not excuse us from our obligation to ourselves.
Do not use your religious faith as a crutch for why you are standing.
It allows you to be the victim of the M or a martyr.
I want to know Irish. WHO IS IRISH?
Not the Catholic mother, the long suffering W, the victim of a serial adulterer.
Be a witness to yourself.
Be a witness to who you are.
Strength and self love is essential to your spiritual growth.
Your path through this Irish is not through H.
Your answers do not reside in him.
They are inside you.
Follow your fear down to where it is born.
Your fear is what happens.
Your sadness, your self doubt, your questioning- all are "what" happens to you.
Why?
That is the question. Why do you feel this way?
Why do you give your self worth to H?
There is a woman in there that was overshadowed by the burdens of her H and her children, buried by her labors and commitments long ago, covered over by the earth she sowed to grow her family ...
Find her Irish.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
