Not sure where to start, or end. WAW?

[john28]

Exactly. She's in control. She wants you to spend time with 'her', she uses your son. She is driving the boat.

Yes, I agree that she is driving the boat when she invites me and I accept. It is on her terms, with what she wants to do, with what she wants to do with me.

And if her complaint about you is that you worked all the time and didn't pay attention to her and your son, then how do you improve things by refusing to go spend time with her and your son? This is just a form of manipulation, and it is very likely to backfire on you. If you want to reconcile, then wrestling for control is not the answer. The first one to file is in control.

Ok. This is exactly what I'm thinking. One of the things that she did complain about is me never spending time with the family. Always worked/golf/never was "there" when I was there.

I got money that says he gets served in the next week. Has John seen a L yet, is he protecting himself? Why is he

Can't. One year separation minimum in my state before D can be filed. Worst case she speeds up mediation and cancels Retrouvialle.

It's not kicking her to the curb, it's John detaching and looking at the situation like a man. She left on her own. Her behavior in the past is atrocious and she uses the same tricks to keep him in line. John needs to take action for himself and his son.

Completely agree. So, how would I do this without making her feel like I am abandoning my family - granted, that's what she has done. How do I graciously decline spending time with her when that's what she wanted all throughout our M?

I'm confused.

When has doing what she wanted worked?

Once again. She is the one that had multiple affairs, she is the one that has said she is done and doesnt want to be married to him.

She is the one that is CONTROLLING the R. When she calls he answers. When she says to come over he goes.

Until he takes back CONTROL and RESPECT nothing will ever change.

I feel in control when I can say no. In most cases, I am her "yes man". I just give up and apologize all the time in our R.

.................

Ok. I'm getting conflicting feelings about this. I would like someone to explain to me the following:

- She lost interest in our R when I was not spending time with our family. Regardless of what happened after that (affairs), it is true. How do I correct that? And detach? Or do I detach first, then correct that behavior later?
- If I am detaching, she needs to know that I'm not just ignoring her and hurting her by "not being there". I was considering the next time she calls cancelling the plans tomorrow and saying:

"W, I don't want to let you down by not going to this thing tomorrow. I really want to see S4 and our friends. But, I have to work out how I feel about you, and acting like a family especially in front of our friends right now when we're not together does not help me. After everything that has happened, I need some time to figure out how I feel about us."

Thoughts?