i wish i could but then i'd have to figure out a way to make it not sound like i'm dissing his parents. they are the ones controlling him with this 'death' talk. too bad i can't report his parents to child services .. hahaha ... sorry, bad joke.
it sounds bad but in a way, it doesn't matter if i get d-bombed or not. if i don't, i get my m back but the road to recovery will be long and hard. i predict more downs and ups. if i do, then i never have to go back to that negative life again.
i think from the very start, all i wanted to do was make him experience the happiness that i felt in my life. it goes back to me saying "when life is this good, you feel selfish having it all to yourself." there is enough to go around. i welcomed him in my circle of friends and into my life. i wanted him to see that being a negative nelly was not the way to make friends. i'm not saying you have to be fake but be open minded. don't judge right away. don't see differences as a negative. it's what makes a person unique.
it's not about "my life is better than yours" or "i'm winning". it's about creating a happy life and wanting to live. i want to take care of myself so i live life to the fullest. it doesn't mean living longer. it means living well.
it is so not about winning.
i smiled more over the summer than i ever did in my 4 yrs of marriage. in fact, i don't remember being this happy.
month after month of failed pregnancies, dealing with in-laws, dealing with h's job, dealing with h, dealing with h's health, his mood swings, his demands, his criticism of me ..
four months before the bomb dropped, i spoke to a colleague about getting a divorce. i asked him how he knew it was the right thing to do. and he was honest. after i left that conversation, i went back to my office, shut the door, and cried like i never cried before. this was before my h asked for a d. i wish i didn't feel that way because i loved my h. i didn't like the way the m was going. it needed change and i didn't know how to turn things around.
Quote:
I promise when you see him you will feel sorry for him. You have things WAY more under control than he does
in a way, i feel sorry for him now. he is bombarded with death every day. how can you live like that? i'd take a gun and shoot myself.
