Interesting discussion....I believe that many things come into play to create the "perfect storm"....the childhood issues were likely buried deep inside and never dealt with....I know that H certainly had them....His dad left when his mom was pregnant with H and she was keeping a diary throughout her pregnancy and after H was born....this diary came to H's possession when she passed away....that's 10 years ago....to this day he didn't have the courage to read that diary....always saying "I'm not ready for it yet"...."I'll read it one day".....like he is afraid of what's in it.
Now to my yesterday's meeting. H didn't want to meet at Starbucks (he said that he was really cold there day before yesterday ???), but wanted to come to the house....I said that that's probably not a good idea, because my house is full of people and we wouldn't have any privacy. I suggested to go to his place....there was a long pause...hesitation and finally he said "OK....I guess that I'll have to clean up". I answered that he doesn't have to on my account.
Anyway we had our meeting there. This is the first time that I was in his apartment in months...last time was when he wanted to come back in April... I think. Nothing much changed there....no new furniture....just the same office furniture that he took from here, sad bachelor pad...he still has moving boxes in the living room lined up against the wall. No visible traces of OW. His bedroom door was open, he is still sleeping on the inflatable mattress. He actually brought it up saying that he has to do something about the bed because his back really hurts from it. Prescription pill boxes in the bathroom...probably his antidepressants...couldn't read the labels without my reading glasses. Battery of empty (expensive) beer bottles in the kitchen....he never used to drink so much beer....
H started the meeting on defensive....saying "First of all I wanted to clear up something, You keep accusing me that I'm gone for 2 weeks every month and it's not true, last time I was gone was in June" (HUH???) So the 2 weeks in July apparently don't count because that was his holiday and the 2 weeks in August he is just ignoring...and the months since January to June don't even count?....Anyway this is something that he is fighting in his mind trying to convince himself and me....seems to be very important to him to believe that he is not gone this much.
The other issue he is fighting "You don't think that I'm working when I'm gone, but I'm, it's not that I'm having fun all the time". I told him that I'm trying to separate private issues from business and that he is free to do what he wants on his own time, but that I'm concerned about business. When he is out of town there is very little communication from him, we don't work as a team and I don't see any results of this hard work he keeps talking about. "Show me the money" as Jerry McGuire would say.....
The discussion got heated....he was fighting every point that I made. I told him what I was working on in the past 2 weeks and asked him to recap to me what he'd done to get any new business and he didn't have anything to tell me and instead got defensive saying that I'm interrogating him. Eventually it turned into a fight....
I was crying by this time and just wanted to defuse it. So I said "Look at us, in 37 years we've never fought like this, we worked great together, we could overcome anything, we had love and respect for each other...and then this affair happened and look at us now" His reply "So it's all my fault".....
That's when he broke down, started sobbing so hard and couldn't stop....I felt such a rush of tenderness and pity I walked over and hugged him, he was sitting down, so the hug was kind of awkward, he got up and hugged me too, crying on my shoulder...I felt the connection....it's still there. When he calmed down a bit, he thanked me for the hug and started talking....
Few things that he acknowledged for the first time.
Before he always said that he left ME not D and our family...he fought hard to believe that, this time he admitted that he left the family.
Admitted also that his mental state last year contributed to drop in business, he worked but but only on things that he could mentally handle, was so down that he couldn't make himself be upbeat and talk to clients, so he would keep himself busy doing other stuff but not able to go "out there" getting jobs.
Said that talking to me about business brings him down so much that it takes him couple of days to recover, that he wants to be nice to me as he was before, but he has a wall up to protect himself, otherwise he would brake down.
Can't sleep, feels incredible guilt, thinks that I think that he is a looser that can't do anything right, liar and a horrible person with no values and integrity....but he can't believe that about himself, otherwise there would be no point going on living....he is the same person as before.....
He paused and waited for my reply....I was quiet thinking what to reply.....he asked almost desperately "don't you have anything to say to that?"
I chose my words carefully and said that I've always loved him for who he was, his values, his honesty and and integrity, for always trying to do the right thing. In the past year he's has made mistakes that he probably regrets, and that he didn't behave like the person that I knew all these years. But I've never though of him as a looser or a horrible person, I know that the person that I loved, respected and cherished is still there somwhere...
He broke down again, thanking me....I felt so sorry for him he looked so broken and in so much pain.....
So no not everything is good and happy in his world....despite him continuing with OW.
The rest of the meeting took on a completely different tone. I agreed to give it a last push and suggested a plan of action...which he was happy for...seems like he is looking to me to drive this...now lets see if he comes through.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
