Where does the WAW go

[AJM]

Yes, Doodi, you do need to hold on to that and see where it takes you.

It's asking him to change that concerns me. He will change. I get that.

I do totally understand the need for the space. Believe me, I get that. It can be suffocating. Very much so and I hope he does eventually understand that you need that.

I've tried to explain to him that I believe the feelings are still there I'm just scared to open up again. That's why I ask for time/patience.

. Ah. Trust Doodi. Trust. That's a hard thing and by him having a human reaction to perceived rejection, he is making it harder on you both. I doubt he can understand that at this time. Really.

The bipolar comment? Hmm.. What do you think ? Bipolar? Really? Or maybe doesn't handle stress very well?

Knowing you have work to do is important. It's a first step. Knowing it won't be easy for him is hard as well. So now it seems you are trying to get the space you need to work on you without letting go of him. Stressful to say the least. You asking him without giving him reassurances that you are not leaving is not something you've been very good at to date, no?

That would cause stress in any relationship. He has no way to understand because you've given him nothing to understand it with. That may be because you don't understand either. Yet.

Be patient with you both Doodi. It's a lot to ask of either of you. Risky. Dangerous. Painful. But this journey is started and likely needs to be finished now because it will otherwise be finished later. You've put it all on the line. Risked it all. So is he, for better or worse.

Try not to read into his emotions nor try to get him to change. Don't expect him to. In fact, expect him to resist the changes. The same as you resist the changes. He may or may not change with you. Likely he will lag some of those changes, but will change regardless. Really just a question of when, from what I've seen. And how you handle it along the way is important. Your patience to outlast whatever issues are going on will be what defines you. Not the pain. The pain is the catalyst that helps with the clarity. My God does it.

His patience and understanding will come. Perhaps in time to give you the space without him hating you. Or feeling rejected for no discernable reason. But understand that you are wanting to trust him with your emotions, while you want him to trust you with his. That's going to be hard considering the shock he got. It makes it that much harder for you.

How can you learn to trust each other with your feelings again while you make these changes in your lives? Before you have to share the kids and become adversaries? Isn't that the real question?

Risky path. But I don't see how you can leave it at this point without giving up the changes that I sense are needed.

Be at peace that you are making changes that many wish they could. Be at peace that you will find a way to communicate to your H about what you are doing and why and that although you want him to change, it is not just him that needs to change. You are going to have to TRUST that he will make the changes he needs to make because of him. Just the same as you are asking him to TRUST you while you make your changes. That's courage if ever I heard it and I admire you both for it.