Where does the WAW go

[Doodi]

@AJM

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you. You don't always say what I want to hear but I will always listen.

I guess it's not coming across in my posts but I really am not trying to sit back and wait for him to change. I have always said that I have issues that I need to work through, I just need him to see that he needs to work on some things too. (Side note...tonight he did say he thinks he might be Bipolar)

I see my IC on Thursday and my shrink next week. I know that may seem a little bizarre but I had stopped seeing my shrink last year and was just now able to get back with her. In the meantime, I was working on me so I needed something so I had a social worker. I might still see them both, don't know that yet.

I have tried to empathize with him when it comes to how hurt he is but he keeps telling me I don't get it. I don't know what to do. I have sat through many of his breakdowns, sitting quietly while he yelled at me about how horrible I am. I've tried not to belittle his pain but just sit there while he rides it out. I haven't consoled him and I explained that I wasn't doing that because he would take the hugs differently than I meant them--For me I would be trying to help him through it, but to him it would me I loved him the way he wanted me to.

He keeps asking me what he should do to MAKE me fall in love with him again. I've tried to explain to him that I believe the feelings are still there I'm just scared to open up again. That's why I ask for time/patience.

The space I've been asking for is just from the constant need for reassurance that I'm trying. I need to not talk about US all the time. I need to have good times with him and not always be worrying about hidden meanings in everything. I just need to BE. Almost every night has ended with intense emotions and him asking me 'Why can't I just love him?'

Like I said he asked for things and I've given them to him. I've tried to go on walks with him--they end emotionally. Every night I have tried to enjoy a movie or our fave show together. I'm not ignoring him or anything.

I think one of our major problems is I have a lot more practice at hiding my emotions. He believes because I'm not a hysterical mess that I'm happy about things. I've tried to explain to him that I've become an expert and squashing my pain.

I will try to be supportive and respectful. We have communication issues that we need to work through. I need to work on getting my thoughts out without yelling. I've really been messing up there recently.

I know I have major work. I need guidance to know what WE need to work on but right now I have to work on me. I did ask for this change and I have to accept that how it comes to be I can't control (THAT'S HARD!!!) but if I keep working then nothing but good can come of it. I have to hold on to that.

Doodi