Stitching together a new quilt

[FindingMyVoice]

Dear Dudess,
It’s already growing chillier where I live; fall is close. And I also feel that I'm transitioning into a new phase of my life, so I can feel the end of my posting on these boards is coming. So I wanted to write you and thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for the help and support you offered me while I was here. Back in the spring, I joined the boards as ‘Prairiegirl’ and was greatly confused and unhappy with about the distance and communication troubles in my M.

Your always-on-target questions and steady encouragement made me take a hard look, and really see that my H's interactions with me were hurting me - whether it was unintentional or not; to stop sweeping it under the rug and minimizing it; to see that it was very serious and that I was important enough to get it resolved.

Your patient listening, insights and advice made me feel validated and therefore helped me learn to trust my own feelings, and act on them. Even down to the kafuffle around cooking that stupid ham while we were camping! You reminded me that hey - if it was that important to him, why didn’t he just do it himself, rather than acting like a parent to me and ‘instructing’ me how to do it! You shared with me your unique ability to cut through all the confusion, to make the core principle of any conflict I was having so simple and so clear. I can tell you how greatly that helped me when speaking my feelings thoughts and opinions to my H.

As far as positive changes there have been many. He hasn’t said one disrespectful thing to me in public since this spring; quite the opposite actually; I notice more and more him saying kind and complimentary things about me in front of friends and family. He’s still pretty closed about sharing his own feelings, but continues to follow my lead; if I share mine with him, he’ll sometimes share his with me too. He also listens to my concerns and apologizes if I feel he’s speaking out of turn or if I’m hurting. I haven’t heard ‘you shouldn’t feel like that’ for months. Yah, he still tries to fix, but if I let him know what I’m needing to hear in that moment instead, he does his best to switch gears and oblige.

I still flub up lots. And so does he. And we still have these stretches of time where we’re so disconnected I still wonder if this is a healthy place for either of us. I know I cannot predict what the future may have in store for our M - who can, in even the best of marriages? But I’m learning to value my own life enough now that it’s becoming a pretty cool place to be. I’ve cut back on a lot of the work I was using as an excuse to not deal with my problems. I’ve recently set the goal of running a 1/2 marathon next fall, and this weekend took my first a road trip - all alone! - to paint outside (I’m an artist). It was so freeing, and made me excited and more motivated to plan more trips and become the full-time professional artist I’ve always wanted to be. I’m currently in one gallery in our city, but with the extra time I have now from cutting back on other projects, I have enough time to paint that I think I can find another to represent me as well. The thought of this is very motivating and exciting. So I'm finally becoming less worried about chasing my H’s attention; and more concerned with chasing my own dreams. For the first time in a long time, I wake up and look forward to what I can create for MY future. I’d bet that if I keep that as my primary focus (not the sole focus mind you, just my first priority) the rest - including my M - will fall into line. If it doesn’t? I know I’ll still be great.

So thank you for your help in getting me to this place. I’ll never forget you or your kind advice, help and support. You’ve made a real difference in my life, and I wish only the best for you in your own journey. Take care, Prairiegirl (aka FindingMyVoice).