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Originally Posted By: Wonka

Detachment: Not hooking your wagon to another person's actions or inactions. There is some level love in the relationship/friendship. the constant re-winding of the DB/post-bomb review and obsessing about OW/OM ceases completely
Indifference : Truly not caring about the outcome either way and not feeling any "love" toward the person. It can be a very slippery slope for newbies in the DB continuum

I aiming for the detachment, right? My understanding is that though there is a portion (bold) of indifference I am looking for, surely the "no love" is not the intention here.

My understanding was I was aiming at the underlined stuff.



It is a progression for DBers to transition from being emotionally attached to the WAS to detachment. By detachment is not being overly focused on what the WAS elects to do or not to do. It is a path that these WASes need to walk through for whatever reasons they feel compelled to do (yeah...even some of the silly antics!) and you are not emotionally affected by these actions even though the love still burns inside your heart for the WAS.

Indifference is devoid of love or hate for the person. You just simply are no longer invested in the process or the outcome. It is often when DBer's have done a great deal of introspection, self-examination, and conducting a through autopsy of the M that they have reached the conclusion that being D is not a "sign of failure" but a necessary step for personal growth...this is where the indifference comes in. Loving detachment is where one can convey that YOU are still present for support, but do not necessarily agree with the course of action and are not affected emotionally (examples abound--a 3 year-old throwing a tantrum in the toy store because she wants that specific toy and you said "no", your teenager wanting to go to a party where parents are not around to supervise--they pout and scream that "you're not open-minded!", etc).

Indifference will be people like me. I don't care what XW does or does not do nowadays. I am not feeling the love for her nor have for years. Hate is not present either. When you feel either love or hate...you are still attached.


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This is the second or third time I've heard "self-righteous". Could you point to some examples as I'm unclear what you are referring to.


Here is one example:

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Disappointed and disgusted with her which leads me to "I don't deserve this and I don't want you back"


This is to be expected as you progress with self-realization and self-actualization. Your musings are YOURS alone and you can only take the full ownership of these musings. I wanted to caution you about glimmers of self-righteousness that occasionally arise in your noggin. Saving the M means checking your pride at the doorstep. Please continue with your musings! laugh

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Originally Posted By: Wonka

You cannot stand around and engage in navel gazing by your lonesome self for much longer, buddy. After a while, it gets pretty stale and boring.

Is this what you are referring to about my musings or my focus on addressing my own issues whilst losing focus on the GAL'ing?


Posting about one's musings and ruminations are fine as long as one does not get paralyzed in over analysis. Sounds eerily familiar, heh? wink It is even good to get away from this site from time to time and focus on activities that bring you joy. For me, it is being on the golf course and hitting pimply balls that bring me utter joy.

Steady has a good point:

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Be careful of mixing up feelings with intuition. Feelings can be way off track - wrong assumptions, mind reading, incorrect perceptions of what is 'really' going on can cause a myriad of unhealthy thoughts which then trigger corresponding feelings.


This is precisely what we mean by being SMART in DBing. Feelings can and do get clouded because YOU are invested in this. Hence your own Peanut Gallery here to point you in the right "direction" with the caveat that X, Y, or Z may or may not work on a certain day.

I think it is time for you to test the waters with W. Do you know for certain that she received a job offer with the other dealership? If yes, then I'd send her a congratulatory card. Nothing mushy...mind you! cool Something related to photography or Spanish/Mayan themes. That will induce a happy memory for W and will bring up positive feelings associated with these items.