The year of not my problem

[AJM]

Journaling:
Fascinating. I've been reading the unfolding story of a WAW on another forum. I'm struck by the pain and difficulty and how many people can relate. I'm struck by how it doesn't have to be that way. How sharing your feelings can be difficult but that it is a two way street. How until you realize that, you cannot succeed in any relationship. You will continue to bounce around.

My mc remarked once how different STBX and I are in her cases. Very rare she mused. Said things were good for so many years but this can happen. Is it an awakening? Or something else? Nobody can say.

One thing is certain - there are multiple sides. Not all of the players are willing to see the other side which means the relationship is doomed.

<Sigh> I look back and look for reasons. I know why. It is because I do not want to hate her. I do not want to be bitter. I do not want to look back at the various confusing stories I've been handed, and think that I was used because she was scared. I don't want to look back at the childish behavior and get angry. I do not want that burden. I want to forgive.

I realize it takes two. I realize none of us is perfect. I realize that if either wants to leave, that is that person's prerogative. It hurts all involved just the same. Both sides. And I try to make sure I keep that in my mind to understand so that I won't become bitter.

I want to forgive. It comes in fits and starts.

My MC once commented that the issues were mostly hers and therefore you can change, but it won't change the situation. You have things to work on, yes, but most of them are her issues to deal with. You will have to be patient. That likely hurt the most of any of this. To be so without the means to change anything around me. So powerless. So humbled.

I see now that the humility will be helpful to me. All throughout my life, whenever humility comes, it has been helpful. I can look back and see that. I've hated it each time but always has good come from it.

It's hard to see it this time in regards to my family. It's hard to understand how somebody you trusted decides to hurt you then leave. It's hard to understand how somebody you trusted didn't communicate and how you thought they did. It's hard to see how somebody you loved so deeply decided that they were done with little warning. How stresses of life can affect people. How somebody that you loved so deeply could find somebody else. How they can blame you for the problems that caused them to leave and then want to be friends? (that is so one sided that it isn't even funny. That's as selfish as it gets from what I can see.)

Perhaps it is in how one defines "friends" ?

Hard to understand what is real and what is not some days in that past. One thing that is certain - she does not want to be married to me any longer. At some point, I no longer wanted to be married to her either after she emotionally left. To be honest, I really don't want to know the mean and vicious person she has become. The control freak she has always been. I don't want to know somebody who only blames somebody else for whatever problems are in their life.

I don't want to be bitter. I want to forgive. I also do not want to hurt her emotionally. But it is hard to understand how suddenly I became the enemy and my faults were so magnified that I almost hated me (until I could find reality again).

Those are my thoughts. Other than that, I am doing very well. Had a great evening and a great morning.