Prepare for a wonderful discovery

[sage]

sage,

here's one thing I can tell you....people feel much more comfortable to be themselves when they are around people who are comfortable being themselves.

maka sense?

LL

Of course.

here's a glimpse into how disconnected and warped my thought process is....I think this is a crux of my "moving forward" problems of late....

There WAS a time when I felt confident in myself...when I felt smart and pretty and sexy and funny and good at my job and a good person and kind of like "a catch".

At least I **think** I did...and I'd say that was sometime before my world got rocked by the ea....

so...here's my warped point...at SOME point I picked my head up and realized that SOMETHING was going on with my m and my h and ow...it was like I was not paying attention or something up until then...

and in my warped little brain I am VERY confused about the chain of events (one of the reasons why I'm SO hellbent on understanding from h WHAT his thought process was during the beginning days of the A...)

Was I just not paying enough attention?
Was I angry?
Was I judgemental?
Was I XYZ?

So..somehow in my brain I've equated feeling good about ME with h having an a...like, if I start to feel good about me again then I'll stop paying attention to what he needs and I'll get selfish and angry and judgemental again....

So...like I feel like self-confidence and a sense of security leads to my self-centeredness.

Know what I mean?

But self-confidence ISN'T self-centeredness...I know that!

And in some ways I've learned so much about myself in the last year that I think I can keep a tighter handle on the behaviors that contributed.

But in some ways I'm terrified that I can't.

Of course...this whole post reeks of "alleged self-centeredness" (when it's really fear) because I'm still looking at myself as THE focal point that drove h's ea.

The short version: I'm worried that I won't figure out the balance between feeling more self-confident and being self-absorbed.

Blah.

I know, know, know that it was anger and judgement and expection and ASSumption...not feeling good about me.

Plus what the hell kind of a tradeoff is that anyway?

Sage