Early Parole from the MLC Chain Gang?????

[MHL]

Well I was going to wait until later this week to post something because I really didn't have anything to post about. Last week on Thursday, August 26th, was a year and a day, the required separation time before you can file for divorce here in North Carolina.

Leading up til this date I have really drawn back from my W, sometimes going 4 and 5 days with no communication and if there was any it was strictly about the kids. There were a couple of moments of clarity on her part but no other significant actions to signal she may be moving towards me.

So, I am waiting to see what will happen this week. Did she file or not? I am pretty sure she does not have the money to do so which really is an indication of nothing other than the fact she is broke, (I am not far behind her, LOL) If she filed, the paperwork has to be delivered one of 2 ways, served by the sherriff's deputy or my certified return receipt mail.

I guess I am waiting to see, thus my waiting to post b/c I thought nothing was happening.

I was wrong………...there is quite a lot happening in ME and I am trying to sort out my thoughts and feelings. And in that process I have been asking myself some pretty hard questions.

Through my journey, more than one time I reached points where I felt "done." I really wasn't. Some days I wanted to be, other days, I just wanted my M back.

I am not sure I have reached a point where I can say anything other than there is something around the corner and I don’t know what it is. I feel myself moving, it feels like I am moving away from my W. I don’t see her as much, I don’t talk to her as much, the interactions are dull and uneventful, and I am not examining those interactions with her anymore like I used to. I am tired and I just don’t care one way or the other.

Is that indifference? Is it another level of detachment? I am not sure.

I will say this…….I don’t think I am “done” but I find myself thinking about it. Thinking about what divorce will be like, it is not what I want but I cannot control it so I better start at least considering it as a real possibility. I ask myself, why are you thinking about this at all and I think it might be b/c of the significance of last week and the ability for her to file. Is that driving all these thoughts?

I find myself thinking about meeting new people, yes dating and what that would be like and how I would integrate that into my life. What does that thought mean? If I am not done, why are these thoughts coming to me.

The thoughts are not desires but rather possibilities of the future. I have not thought about the future for so long that it is strange to consider what it may be like. I had said in a post not to long ago that the if the train has moved down the tracks a bit and my W decides to hop back on then that would be okay, but I have been thinking that I may not want the train to slow down to pick her up even if she wanted to get back on.

If you question your feelings, then you are not ready to make a choice. If you are uncertain, then you are not ready to "move on".

Lots of questions for sure and I know I am not ready to make a choice.

The only thing I can come up with is that b/c the D filing is out of my control, I have considered D as a reality and b/c I am considering it I have questioned where I am at on my journey.

I think it was Mach that told me I was on a journey from NY to LA and that maybe I was in Ohio when I thought I was already in California. Today I know I am traveling on this long journey and not only do I not know what state I am in, I am not even sure if I am headed to LA anymore.