You can't have everything, where would you put it?

[ClingingToHope]

Orientation went fine. D11 is in the arts gifted academy and her classmates have been the same for three years so I already have met most of the other parents.

The teacher this year is someone who has been involved in D11's theater group, so she knows STBXW and I. After, I told her I want two sets of important stuff -- report cards, etc. -- so I could keep them for my own records.

And I asked for separate conferences. This may or may not be the best way to go. Perhaps I'm running down the wrong path again. My parents, after the divorce, never got together for anything. I don't know if that was right or wrong, I do know I can't remember ever harboring the illusion they'd get back together.

Email from STBXW. She'd like me to not bring the girls over until 9 p.m. Sunday because she's going to a concert. That last part was a dig probably, but then again in my email I'd said I wanted to bring them back Sunday night so I could go out of town on Monday.

I still hate kid exchanges. That's why school year is soooo nice. No exchanges generally.

Focusing on paying down debt helps. Focusing on my job helps. Thinking ahead on the beautiful, smart women that are out there once I'm divorced helps. But I still get caught thinking of STBXW and hoping. That .0000001 percent won't die.

Last night I thought I might never accept it. I may rage against it forever. That's been the pattern my entire life. I'm not sure I've ever really let go of several old hurts. Eventually, I found something or someone to help me move on. But the old anger and pain is still there -- an echo.