I suspect that you feel this way because you have doubt. Because when you said, I do, you meant it. But the conflict may come from the need to change.
I would caution you to not re-remember the past. That is what it sounds like you are doing from an outsider's point of view.
My take on this is that your revisiting things is not a bad thing. Change is what is happening. That is also not a bad thing. The question is really whether or not you and your husband can change together or not.
I disagree vehemently that the change needs to occur in your husband alone. I disagree with the others that leaving is the way to solve this because that is asking just him to change.
I don't disagree that you are in pain. I don't disagree that you need change. I don't disagree that your husband needs to change as well. You AND your family need change. That much is clear. What is not clear is why or what the changes need to be. That's part of the work. And it is not easy. It is not quick. It is not without pain. It is worth it.
What is clear to me is that you have confusing feelings and need to find out why.
To reiterate: I do not condone your husband's behavior. But I also do not condone leaving as the answer nor do I think that making him (only) change is the answer you seek.
Telling your husband how you feel is not the issue. You don't need to fix his feelings, Doodi. Part of this is him knowing how you feel. That may be the first time in a long time you have been completely honest with him. This is you. He can accept that it is you or he cannot. That is your risk. You told him how you feel right now, and that you may leave. That is his risk. Either of you can choose to accept it or to leave.
What I do recommend is that you both be much more careful and respectful of each other and the kids feelings. Do NOT let the kids hear the conversations - at all costs. You and your husband should agree to not talk to mutual friends or family about what's going on. They will tell you both to leave and "see what happens". That is a recipe for disaster in most cases.
Respect Doodi. Respect yourself. Respect your family. Respect your husband. Expect - demand - the same from him.
If this was clear and exactly what you wanted (to leave) you would have done it. But I suspect there is much more to this than just actions your H has done. The damage that is going on now may just be the two of you remaking your marriage. Or it could be the end. But either way you are going to find out and either way your marriage won't be the same. That's not a bad thing, Doodi.
I don't think for a second that your marriage has to be over. I don't think you do either. But you need to do the work. As does your Husband.
One other thing that comes to mind: you seem to be placing a lot of the burden on your husband for the relationship. Why?
I still haven't heard the good qualities that attracted you to him in the first place. How come? I haven't heard about the qualities that you admire in him. So far, nothing positive.
Your feelings are your feelings Doodi. Feel them. Examine them. Find out why they are there. Find out what you need to change to get the love you want. Be careful not to do irreparable damage and be sensitive to your Husband's feelings as well. He is human and has his own feelings. I don't think for a second you should try to make him feel better with regards to your own feelings - hasn't that been a problem long enough? You both need to learn to be honest with your feelings with each other and rather than looking at each other's faults, look for the good things. Start there and then deal with the problems. They will be much more manageable if you can approach it that way.
My thoughts. I wish you peace Doodi.
"Our lives begin to end the day we become silent about things that matter" MLK Put the glass down... "Yesterday I was clever so I wanted to change the world Today I am wise, so I am changing myself."
