Well..your last question saves me the time of answering the rest...there IS no ironclad m. I forgot to put that as one of my reasons why I was stymied by my GOALS around it!
I know there are no guarantees. I've read enough stories here to know that infidelity hits m's of all kinds and quality and people and ....
Does that mean that there can't be incremental improvements for me to make in my m that strengthens it? Of course not...that's the goal post that's 10 feet away instead of 500.
And to be perfectly fair...it isn't just about strengthening the m..it's about strengthening me, too because my m (and I) thrive when:
I'm confident I'm trusting I'm accepting I'm without judgement and expectation for h I'm compassionate I'm gracious I'm loving I'm not driven by fear or insecurity I'm secure
And those things come from me...yah, it helps to have h DO certain things but that groundedness comes from me.
What do I wish for?
I wish that I felt more secure in being me. That h knows that he can be him. That honesty was a fundamental building block of our r.
I still get very stuck at some of the things that seem "purposefully hidden" to me...but maybe that's ASSumption and EXPECTATION and fear.
Sage
Quote: sage,
what is an iron clad marriage? what does such a m look like? what does such a m include? what's different about "that" m and your own? is there a difference? and lastly is there such a thing as and iron clad m?
LL
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Bear with me while I babble...it bugs me that I wrote this:
Quote: That honesty was a fundamental building block of our r.
This is same old, same old stuff from sage and it's irritating. honesty IS a daily part of my m and to pretend any differently is to discount h's hard work and my hard work. This statement is about FEAR and a feeling of trying to CONTROL in an effort to escape that FEAR. I want to know what I don't know...feel as though if I amass enough facts then I can somehow protect myself from being HURT again.
but clinging to the old mantra only keeps me in anxiety mode, in "looking for more mode", in "peering at h with xray vision" mode...it gets me no closer to my goal of "honesty" -- in fact it takes me away from it. It adds stress to our daily interactions, it feels like crap to me, too. I can imagine it's no fun for h, either.
I'm NOT saying I've been on hyper alert but I have gotten myself mired in thinking that we're stuck in this area when we're simply not.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
of course that's where I was going with my questions.
you are right that most of the "stuff" you need to do to feel better about the m is to feel better about you!
here's one thing I can tell you....people feel much more comfortable to be themselves when they are around people who are comfortable being themselves.
Makes perfect sense to me. Makes me think about how H viewed me as insecure and mistrusting. Why is this stuff so hard for us to have sink in??? Rachael
have you ever had one of those moments where you really get something? like you hear something over and over again and you HEARD it, but it didn't really sink in?
Quote: people feel much more comfortable to be themselves when they are around people who are comfortable being themselves
this is one of those moments
just recently, listening to motivational speaker brian tracy he was talking about surrounding yourself with successful people and you soon will become successful.
i shook my head yes, i understand that, and didn't do a damn thing about it - and that wasn't the first time i have ever heard that
but just reading this (it bears repeating)
Quote: people feel much more comfortable to be themselves when they are around people who are comfortable being themselves
it's like a little AHA moment. oh yeah, this is profound, maybe not for you, but for me.
been wondering where in the hell that girl that i knew was independant, strong, self suffficient went all those years ago (almost 10) - yup, you guessed it
she started hanging with someone that thought he was a failure - low self esteem - the overwhelming need to try to gain happiness from others rather than oneself - no wonder i turned out this way
thank you lost love - this has to be one of the most profound things i have heard - this will take some major brain action ...
here's one thing I can tell you....people feel much more comfortable to be themselves when they are around people who are comfortable being themselves.
maka sense?
LL
Of course.
here's a glimpse into how disconnected and warped my thought process is....I think this is a crux of my "moving forward" problems of late....
There WAS a time when I felt confident in myself...when I felt smart and pretty and sexy and funny and good at my job and a good person and kind of like "a catch".
At least I **think** I did...and I'd say that was sometime before my world got rocked by the ea....
so...here's my warped point...at SOME point I picked my head up and realized that SOMETHING was going on with my m and my h and ow...it was like I was not paying attention or something up until then...
and in my warped little brain I am VERY confused about the chain of events (one of the reasons why I'm SO hellbent on understanding from h WHAT his thought process was during the beginning days of the A...)
Was I just not paying enough attention? Was I angry? Was I judgemental? Was I XYZ?
So..somehow in my brain I've equated feeling good about ME with h having an a...like, if I start to feel good about me again then I'll stop paying attention to what he needs and I'll get selfish and angry and judgemental again....
So...like I feel like self-confidence and a sense of security leads to my self-centeredness.
Know what I mean?
But self-confidence ISN'T self-centeredness...I know that!
And in some ways I've learned so much about myself in the last year that I think I can keep a tighter handle on the behaviors that contributed.
But in some ways I'm terrified that I can't.
Of course...this whole post reeks of "alleged self-centeredness" (when it's really fear) because I'm still looking at myself as THE focal point that drove h's ea.
The short version: I'm worried that I won't figure out the balance between feeling more self-confident and being self-absorbed.
Blah.
I know, know, know that it was anger and judgement and expection and ASSumption...not feeling good about me.
Plus what the hell kind of a tradeoff is that anyway?
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
I just wanted to come over and thank you personally for taking the time to post on my thread. I don't know how to convey to you my gratitude! XXXOOOXXX
I was reading your thread about your struggles with the A issue and feeling like your actions drove H there. I have those stupid neurotic fears too. And these fears will consume us and warp our brains if we let them. I'm asking myself, "What happened to that confident, attractive, intelligent and quite-a-catch-of-a-woman that was once me?" I'm still here buried under my neuroses...trying to claw my way back out!!!
I see those fears as dragons...and I admire your dragonslaying attitude, Sage.
Thanks again.
Christine
I am the master of creating positive energy and love in my own environment. I am the source of love in my life. It starts with me! This energy radiates from me! It gives me strength, courage, wisdom and grace!
Happiness, love, commitment are all a choice. NO ONE can give it to us. WE have to give it freely of and to ourselves. Each and every decision we make is OUR OWN responsibility. NO ONE can force us or make us choose destructive actions in our lives, except ourselves.
You will make peace with the painful thoughts of the poor and painful choices your H made when he chose to betray you rather than confront you with his doubts, fears etc, because you will eventually come to see that YOU have NO responsibility in those choices....YOUR responsibility stops at what YOU do.
Sage I know you know all of this already but it is from an awesome post to me and I thought reminding you of it might help you just a tad!!
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Quote: So..somehow in my brain I've equated feeling good about ME with h having an a...like, if I start to feel good about me again then I'll stop paying attention to what he needs and I'll get selfish and angry and judgemental again....
Seriously, Sage...don't underestimate yourself. And at any rate is this "self" we're talking about the very same entity as the one you "felt good about" pre A?
Hardly! Hardly!!!
So you can't even begin to compare feeling good about the new and improved Sage with feeling good about the former, somewhat blinded Sage, can you???
