You are AGAIN FAILING to see this from your wife's TRUE feelings...
Are you listening to her?
She is telling you she is NOT attracted to you. She doesn't FEEL it for you.. She doesn't think she wants to feel it for you. There is no PASSION in her soul for you..
AND.. AND.. She is SCARED it isn't there or will EVER be there.. AGAIN.. She is scared out of her mind that it is gone..
Do you have any idea how that must feel to a woman (or any person for that matter) to think they will have to stay with a person who they don't feel love or passion for? Do you have any idea how depressing and lost that person must feel?
And yet, your big worry is to keep pushing and trying to show her how "she can get it back" by doing ______ or doing _____ or by studying this "triangle theory" or by doing this or doing that or saying this or saying that......
YUK.. YUK... YUK...
You do NOT get HER and you don't get IT....
Spinning your wheels unless or until you do understand how to handle this... And it is NOT going to be with counseling her how to get those feelings back..
Things will change when you can finally tell her and mean it... "I get it. You are not attracted to me and don't think you ever will be again. I understand. I wouldn't want to be with a woman I didn't feel the passion for either. I think it would be best for BOTH of us to move on. This won't work. It isn't fair to you to be with a man you feel like you feel for me. I finally get it."
And THEN let her go. THAT is when you will have your chance to get the passion back. and NOT before..
For example go back and read OIN's thread.
It's just worth posting again, this is what works, stop looking for excuses, stop looking for alternate solutions, start listening to advice that works and start doing things that work.
When I came home from work, I put a movie in for my daughters, then asked my W to come upstairs so we could talk. I told her that MC wasn't working for us, and that I thought it best if we separate. I told her that I couldn't be in a relationship where the other person wasn't passionate about me; that I didn't think it was fair to either of us. That we weren't walking around eggshells, but broken glass. She said I'm losing my best friend in the world, and I said that I didn't want either of us to end up hating each other by staying in limbo.
She was crying the whole time, gave me several hugs while saying she was sorry for hurting me and failing as a wife. I told her that we both failed, and that we were leaving each other.
It took about an hour of talking including where to go from today. She was very sad, like I had dropped the bomb on her. It was so hard not to waver; the desire to was stronger than anything I've felt in a long time. But I told her that she wasn't strong enough to make this decision for us, so I would.
We talked about some logistics, then made dinner for the girls. I told W I wanted to go out and visit my sister, and she said fine. Spent about 2 hours at my sister's house talking it out with her and my BIL. They're very supportive of me.
Came home and found the girls out of their beds messing with the kittens while my W was in bed watching a movie. Straightened out the girls, went to bed and listened to my W who was having a really hard time. One thing led to another and we had breakup sx. Then we slept the rest of the night cuddling, which has never happened in our entire relationship. It doesn't change anything, though it was really nice to be physically satisfied.
The days ahead are going to be so hard; the desire to have her stay, will become overwhelming. But this isn't working. It's killing me slowly, and her too. I pray that she'll find happiness somewhere, and that God keeps giving me the strength, clarity and courage to do the right thing.
It wasn't breakup sex. It was don't leave so I'm tagging you.
Dropped the bomb + I decided
=
Attraction
=
ML
Use the LBS script.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Yes you are naive. Quit holding onto dysfunctional beliefs.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I'm worried that I'll make mistakes while "stalking" her to leave quickly. I know to keep doing my GAL, my 180s, and living "as if." But what do I do when she's like she was last night? When she's lonely and sad? Do I just ignore her? Do I comfort her while still pushing ahead with the separation?
I know to keep busy, and that won't be hard at all. At least I've used the last two months to my advantage, really straightening out a lot of stuff (except my R). I just don't know how to act when she's reaching out to me like last night.
Weren't you gung-ho about this marriage counselor? Pro-marriage. Bending over backwards in excitement. Now after 2 sessions it's not working? They stunk that bad?
Then you dump her and after taking with family you initiate sex?
You sound like a user.
"It doesn't change anything," It changes alot. It means you weren't serious about your statement to her.
Quote:
"I get it. You are not attracted to me and don't think you ever will be again. I understand. I wouldn't want to be with a woman I didn't feel the passion for either. I think it would be best for BOTH of us to move on. This won't work. It isn't fair to you to be with a man you feel like you feel for me. I finally get it."
And THEN let her go.
You let go for 2 hours. Now YOU have to maintain the passion or you are back to square one.
