M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Ya, she's still got alot of anger, but I think this was good because I established a boundary for myself that she ultimately respected, AND she eventually expressed what was really going on with her and I was able to validate it and apologize for my past crappy behavior.
DIDTHEHURT, are you listening???
Last edited by bustorama; 08/30/1009:36 PM.
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
OK, so my W just did one of the HINTING things I was referring to before. She just told me that she moved up her follow-up doctor's appointment from Friday to earlier in the week. Based on what she has said and how she has acted in the past, I am almost certain that she wants me to come to the appointment and expects me to offer to go with her. This is her standard MO.
However, she has not (yet?) directly asked me to go with her.
Questions for input/clarification now that there is a concrete example in advance:
1) Would OFFERING to go be perceived as pursuing?
2) Would AGREEING to go if she does eventually ask me directly be perceived as pursuing/supplicating (i.e., "why are you going anywhere with your separated wife other than things that involve the family or that are clear steps on her part towards reconciliation")?
3) Would REFUSING to go, if asked (or not offering to go), be perceived as neglectful/failing in supportive H role?
If I understand Puppy correctly, he would refuse to go even if asked (can you confirm Puppy?). Any explanation with refusal? Too busy?
Last edited by bustorama; 08/30/1010:47 PM.
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
Later W calls me at home and says she needs to get cupcake cookbook and cupcake tin from house. I say sure I'll leave it
Continuing to enable the Betty Crocker in her!
I have been reading along. You seem to understand the recipe you just can't mix the ingredients together with the correct consistency. I don't see you being in either the "gay friend zone" (DEE-DEE dee-dee DEE-DEE dee-dee . . . ) or in last resort technique. More so, you are a wayward with a codependent wife. A recipe for disaster. The question should be: how do break this cycle of fattening treats? With apple wedges, celery sticks and peanut butter, cottage cheese?
Just something new and healthy.
Do you notice, from your first post:
Quote:
April 23. I did the common begging/pleading/promising/pursuing to change/crying/etc. mistakes throughout May
that you are still doing this? Again, realize, it is time for something healthy and new.
People like to say, it is hard to get back what you lost; but truth is you never really do. People like to say, I don't want the old marriage back; I want a new and better marriage with my wife. That is a crock of goulash. If you notice so many men that write that are the same men that still beg and plead and analyze every word and act out in passive/aggressive behaviors when they do not get what they want in the time frame they decide upon. Its just a different Act in the Play (if you notice their behavior is not much different than the descriptions for the reasons their wives gave up on them in the first place) not new actors or a different Play.
They find themselves in a perpetual cycle of Betty Crockerisms.
The key, and especially in your case, is to allow your wife to find herself. She is begging for it but you give her so many reasons to return to the cook book, frustrated, and try to come up with a new and different way to bake it.
You sought and found yourself. Maybe it wasn't the best man you taught you could be, or the man your wife wanted to be married to, but you took the time to explore who you are. Does your wife not deserve the same opportunity?
OK, so my W just did one of the HINTING things I was referring to before. She just told me that she moved up her follow-up doctor's appointment from Friday to earlier in the week. Based on what she has said and how she has acted in the past, I am almost certain that she wants me to come to the appointment and expects me to offer to go with her. This is her standard MO.
However, she has not (yet?) directly asked me to go with her.
Questions for input/clarification now that there is a concrete example in advance:
1) Would OFFERING to go be perceived as pursuing?
2) Would AGREEING to go if she does eventually ask me directly be perceived as pursuing/supplicating (i.e., "why are you going anywhere with your separated wife other than things that involve the family or that are clear steps on her part towards reconciliation")?
3) Would REFUSING to go, if asked (or not offering to go), be perceived as neglectful/failing in supportive H role?
If I understand Puppy correctly, he would refuse to go even if asked (can you confirm Puppy?). Any explanation with refusal? Too busy?
Hi Busto,
Answer to your questions...
1) YES - Pursuing and enabling
2) You don't need to to do this ALL THE TIME. In fact, based on how much you do for her, you need to let her find herself a bit. Steve is right on her co-dependency. Ask yourself WHY you need to be there? If your answer is because you neglected her and you feel obligated...(BUZZZZZ) WRONG. She's a big girl, she doesn't need you there. It's a test to see how available you are. Not "Rock" like material.
3) NO...in fact as long as you're not rude, lie, or wishy washy as to your reason...you would actually shock her and make her wonder something different for a change. Your delivery of the answer should be an honest, loving, and reasonable statement of WHY you don't need to be there. Make sense? Maybe somebody else can add to this...I can't put it into words very well.
April 23. I did the common begging/pleading/promising/pursuing to change/crying/etc. mistakes throughout May
that you are still doing this? Again, realize, it is time for something healthy and new.
Tell it to me like a 3rd grader. Which behaviors am I initiating most recently that constitute this (asides from the earlier a$$rubbing, back massaging, footrubbing, tea making)? Are you saying that my responding to her calls essentially constitutes pursuit? That I need to go full blown WAS on her and tell her to leave me alone? That I think I need some time and space to work on myself and figure out who I am and what I want in life?
Originally Posted By: Steve McQueen
The key, and especially in your case, is to allow your wife to find herself. She is begging for it but you give her so many reasons to return to the cook book, frustrated, and try to come up with a new and different way to bake it.
Can you tell me concretely which behaviors on my part do you see as keeping her unable to separate from me? Any rescuing behavior on my part? You suggest, I tell her something like, You know W, I appreciate that you trust me to help you, and I am happy to help you in cases where I think you really need my help. However, I believe in you and think you may be underestimating yourself and can handle this issue just fine on your own. I think I may be better off stepping back and working on myself to give you the time and space to find what you want.
??????
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
Thanks much for your insight, Faith. I really appreciate it.
Not gonna believe this, but W just called me again saying she was in pain, and could I come over and take out the trash. Then she asked me if I could go with her to the doctor appointment. THEN she started saying how sad and depressed she was and how horrible she felt and started listing a host of things she was unhappy with -- her weight, the outcome of her boob reduction, the fact she can't exercise while she is recovering, her increased appetite, her excessive workload, her lack of any leisure time or rest time, all the effort of parenting the kids on her own, her therapist not being helpful for her. HOLY COW, SHE'S A MESS!
I told her yeah I would feel depressed too if I was experiencing those same frustrations. Then I told her I hoped she felt better and I would see her tomorrow at our family party for D5's birthday and ended the convo. Tried to empathize, but not play the rescuer role. Is that more what she needs from me??? Thoughts???
Last edited by bustorama; 08/31/1004:47 AM.
Me-53 W-49 D22,D18,D15 T-Since-12/2001 Married-9/2004 She Moved Out-5/28/2010 Piecing start-04/2011 Now-together Thread http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2079304
Thanks much for your insight, Faith. I really appreciate it.
Not gonna believe this, but W just called me again saying she was in pain, and could I come over and take out the trash. Then she asked me if I could go with her to the doctor appointment. THEN she started saying how sad and depressed she was and how horrible she felt and started listing a host of things she was unhappy with -- her weight, the outcome of her boob reduction, the fact she can't exercise while she is recovering, her increased appetite, her excessive workload, her lack of any leisure time or rest time, all the effort of parenting the kids on her own, her therapist not being helpful for her. HOLY COW, SHE'S A MESS!
I told her yeah I would feel depressed too if I was experiencing those same frustrations. Then I told her I hoped she felt better and I would see her tomorrow at our family party for D5's birthday and ended the convo. Tried to empathize, but not play the rescuer role. Is that more what she needs from me??? Thoughts???
I don't know if you read my thread tonight, but when I mentioned "small talk"...this meant...I asked her Did you take the dogs for a run" ... her answer "No, I'm not feeling good"...of course I asked "What's wrong? Are you sick?"..."No, my stomach is upset from my period"...my comments "Oh".."Sorry to hear that". She plays her sympathy card with me constantly...but yet she's not "sick, or feeling well" on the weekends. She wants you to be there for the empathy, because of the fact YOU weren't there before.
If you don't stand up and tell her NO you will constantly be at her call. You get what I'm saying? You are a fixer as I am, you feel guilty and care enough to be there, but if you don't cut the rope enough, it will bite you in the ass
Don't get me wrong Busto. You and I are not that far apart...but you have to at one point accept your mistakes and let them go. I'm in NO way encouraging you to break off contact, I truly wish I had what you have right now. However, Be a "Rock"...let her know that you will be there for encouragement, NOT a resolve for HER Probs. Know what I mean?
I told her yeah I would feel depressed too if I was experiencing those same frustrations. Then I told her I hoped she felt better and I would see her tomorrow at our family party for D5's birthday and ended the convo. Tried to empathize, but not play the rescuer role. Is that more what she needs from me???
YES.
Are you saying you DIDN'T go over and take the trash out for her? What about going with her to her dr's appt.??
