WAW Wants to Be Alone

[CD Bear]

My pleasure to be here. I'm watching you do what I'm trying to do.

We're both going to pass each other repeatedly in the process. Me ahead, them you ahead. You see something working; then maybe my turn.

I'm going to try to adress your "intense"post all at once.

Weakness...She threw me for a loop....

Squirrel ran up to my hand and ran away IMO.

What is this?

I can't see her anymore...Not because I don't want to, but because of the feelings it brings.

This happened way too fast!

I see her, I want her, but...

I'm not stupid enough to chase.

Why am I doing this anymore?

Please note, this moment of weakness will pass...I'm fully aware of the path I keep treading...

but when do I accept or STOP the path?

At what point do I endure or Let go(and I mean Let go).

Obviously what I'm doing is triggering this effect.

I love her and don't want to lose her,but...

I don't want to turn into the sad sack that keeps "hanging" on either.

Let her go...Let her go...I GET IT...

...but when do you say enough is enough and just say F it.
How long do you endure this, when she's already made her choice.

I'm too old for games and life is too short to wait

I thought if you addressed you lines one at a time you might see it differently.

Read through the above as separate sentences.

This is what I see from "outside the forest"

How many lines are "incomplete detachment"
How many are 'fear' you aren't done YOUR work yet?
How many are OLD feelings?
How many are impatience and frustration?
How many are based in anger/resentment?
How many are understanding where you are in this process?
How many would you NOT have noticed two weeks ago? Progress?

You need more space to get your thoughts together. You need to understand those feelings. They are old throwbacks. You need enough space and self-understanding to really see if those are REAL or MEMOREX feelings. Are they automatic or authentic?

Regarding you central theme of "when do I quit?"

What you need to ask yourself is what others continually ask of me:

What kind of man are you if you abandon all value in your vows to youself and your wife?

How different will you be if you cut and run because you are tired of "the battle"? Isn't that what she did?

Your questions about "when do I bail" are coming from frustration; anger; betrayal and impatience. Where is your love? Where is your empathy?

These are HARD questions. If you "quit" on your marriage and her, doesn't that confirm to her that you didn't love her and she DID make the right choice to leave?

Nottrying to be a jerk to you but I can see the same attitudes that I see every so oftenin my own posts.

You and I are both better than this.

We have to do what WE have to do for ourselves so that WE don't do the same things again in our next relationships. I am NOT going through this again, EVER. I need the skillsets and coping skills to prevent the deterioration of my next R. I need the self analysis and the boundaries to preserve MYSELF in the next R because "that guy" is important to ME and HER. THAT's who she fell in love with. And I need to CONTINUALLY be aware of my old patterns and NEVER let myself slide into dysfunction or taking her for granted.

The more I know about my values, needs, wants and capacities, the better I will be able to DECIDE who my next partner is.

And ALL of these discoveries and motivations are based in LOVE; not in spite of or in reaction to someone else.

I am learnig how to love properly. Loving myself and "the other". They are coming from a "kind" place. An understanding place. And I need to forgive myself to do that. Which requires that I forgive her and accept that she has made decisions I don't agree with. But she is free to make them.

And so are you. Her decisions weren't based in self-discovery or compassion or empathy or love. Don't follow her lead.

YOU LEAD!! Maybe she'll follow your example. Maybe not.

But you already see that there are opportunities for you as you learn more about you and rediscover the man she fell in love with. You got the opportunity (that she thrust upon you) to learn these things. Are you going to deny her the same opportunity?

Live your life. Do as you are doing. You are on the right path.
If she wants to follow, she will. If not, you will find someone to be with without having to abandon her first. The hurt feelings that you use to "eject her" will follow you.

And you don't need that baggage.

That's how I am beginning to see things.

I don't like what my W did either. I hurt from her betrayal, too. I still see glimmers of the girl I married. But I'm not going to abandon my personal values and commitments to make myself feel better by hooking up with someone else or abandoning her to her consequences. That would be vengeful. I'm not that person.

I am above that. I believe you are, too.

You'll know when you are 'done'. And you aren't there. IMO.