Ominus Bonus

[steady]

Since I don't have much to write, I think I'll just drop a post here from another thread.

Originally posted by Steady:

SO, I guess I'm back to asking myself this morning about the specifics. What are some practical ways that I can up the game in the 180s/GAL department? What are some ways that H would take notice and maybe bring back the attraction?

This is the problem - what if the person you want to be is not the kind of person he wants to be with? I proposed this question on another thread before. Do you stop improving yourself in order to keep your M together?

When people improve and grow, some people in their lives are naturally 'shed' like an old skin. When I quit drinking at 24, most of my friends slowly drifted away. We didn't have same things in common. I became a mirror of what they weren't doing for themselves.

Some guys really don't want an independent woman. They want a dysfunctional co-dependent which keeps them in their 'identity' and role. This is on a subconscious level. Who would answer yes, I want a co-dependent spouse? But there is cognitive dissonance that happens between what they say they want and what they really are attracted to.

When you are doing the things YOU want to do, when you are pursuing and doing the things which make you happy; when you are building the life which makes you feel good and content, then you will be attractive. But, and here's the caveat, you will be attractive to a partner who wants a confident, happy, independent woman. Is that man your H? I have no idea.

I know in my past I've always been attracted to 'broken' women. It's easy for me to look back and see my pattern. I am attracted to them and they trigger my issue - and her issues and mine usually are akin to throwing gasoline on a fire.

As I get healthier I find my attraction to that type of woman waning. I've met women who I normally would have been attracted to in the past and feel no attraction. This is a strong indicator to me that I'm heading in the right direction.

I think a majority of any desire I have to be with my W stems from a few things I can see. I'm sure there are others.

- Comfort; I was with her for over 10 years so it's a known.
- Keeping my M and family together as it being the principal rather than the functionality
- My desire to not want her to be with someone else
- To keep my children from having to experience the turmoil and fallout caused by a divorce
- To not have to 'start all over again'
- Financial security. We had just arrived at a combined income which would have afforded us a better lifestyle than we had known in the past
- Family; there is all kinds of collateral damage ocurring to both our extended families; be are both alienated from the others' family
- The damn house. We have a nice house in a great neighborhood
- Switching around everything we had worked towards.
- <others>

Now when I look at my list, the thing that's missing is this - an overwhelming attraction and desire to be with HER. It's been worn out to the point where it is nothing but a small ember sitting in the corner of a room somewhere inside me.

I don't believe in 'falling out of love'. I'm leaning more toward the misconception of attraction being the 'in love' experience. It's not love which is missing, it's attraction.

I especially love what Allen wrote above:

Romantic love really is nothing more than a mathematical equation. Spend enough time with someone meeting intimate needs of conversation, affection, admiration, and play time - and you will fall in love with that person. Assuming of course that they are not doing things you find offensive or objectionable at the same time.
- Penny Tupy

Once mentioned this to my W, how love is created and not 'just magically there' and she basically mocked me. I asked her, when we first met were we in love? No. It was built.