Not sure where to start, or end. WAW?

[john28]

W called me tonight to let S4 talk to me before bed. He was crying on the phone. I hear him mutter through tears - "I love you daddy. I miss you. I ate sausage today." What a sweet child. I wished him goodnight then she got on the phone.

She said she was sorry she didn't call earlier. He was in bed and he called for her to come and asked if he could call Daddy. She said he was happy that she was calling me, but as soon as he heard my voice he started to cry. I asked her why. She said she didn't know.....

Sweet child, I am so sorry.

I can't imagine that if we D the conversation I'm going to have to have with him when he's a young man and asks what really happened to his mother and father. Son, Dad tried everything he could. I promise. There was nothing else I could do. I wanted to keep our family together, but I couldn't.

I'll tell him that someday. That I tried everything and never gave up on him and his mother.

I told W thanks for calling very nicely. Then I said bye. No conversation or ILY with W tonight. That didn't hurt at all after feeling my son crying for me in bed.

[john28]

Dude - I have to hand it to you guys, I'm feeling GREAT.

Why?

Remember how tonight when I got off the phone quickly with W after I talked to S4?

She sends me two texts, goes like this. I pause 5-10 minutes between them all:

W: You ok?
W: Hey, you there? You ok?
M: Yes Ma'am. (humor here)
W: Ewww don't call me ma'am
M: What would you prefer?

PHONE RINGS. She calls me...

M: Hello
W: Hey, are you busy right now?
M: A little - just getting some things done, what's up?
W: Oh. Well. I just wanted to call you and say thank you for taking care of me yesterday. That was really nice of you.
M: No problem.
W: I just wanted to call and say thanks, really.
M: It was the right thing to do.
W: I am feeling much better today, blah blah blah
M: Any luck passing the stones?
W: No not really, blah blah blah
... pause ....
M: Ok, anything else?
W: Not really, just wanted to say thanks.
M: OK, have a good night.
W: ...okay. Goodnight

I ENDED THE CONVERSATION. 2 MINUTES TOPS!!!

30 seconds later....

she sends me texts trying to be funny with movie quotes? I respond with "hahaha" or the like. Not engaging really.



Guys, for the first time in 3 months I've just been pursued by my wife. Why? Went NC with W with this 2 week goal until Retrouvaille.

This is awesome.

Admittedly though, I was a little sad that I couldn't talk to her tonight, but I got SO MUCH MORE out of her pursuing me.

SUCCESS #1.


Even though I'm terrible at detaching, probably the worst in DB history, a misconception I had before was that by detaching and going NC I thought (ok, a little mind reading here) she would think I was with OW. Or, she could think I'm just GAL and moving on. Either way, she doesn't want either and has pursued me for the first time in months.

Again, SUCCESS #1

Anyone want to wager she tries again tonight?

If this happens tomorrow I'm just not responding - probably what I should have done tonight. I know I know, I'm a little slow to the game.

[Lotus]

Glad things are going better for you. Actually, the best thing for you is if she believes that you are thinking about OW or GAL and moving on. As the song says, "Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got til it's gone." It is only when they think they've lost you that they realize they want you. Before that you are just gum on her shoe.

[dsh4320]

I agree with Lotus, but again John, we are talking about less than 24 hours, the NC needs to go longer than that, you need to go dimmer as Th tells me, I too turn to moosh with my kids, but I dont show it to the W. I dont show it to them, I am stable in front of them and they see strength in their daddy, not an emotional mess. Not saying you are, but my 5 year old is the one noticing more of what is happening. If you and the W can be stable in front of him, then he will do better. In my opinion this is not happening with him, whatever you do do not treat your S as a tool or a pawn in this game, it will leave scars that dont go away. You can do this, you are learning but you need to stay on TRACK!!!!!

Be kind but not a doormat, be someshat available but not in her grip. this is the way to get to where you need to be.

[john28]

Glad things are going better for you. Actually, the best thing for you is if she believes that you are thinking about OW or GAL and moving on. As the song says, "Don't it always seem to go that you don't know what you've got til it's gone." It is only when they think they've lost you that they realize they want you. Before that you are just gum on her shoe.

Exactly. Like I said - whether she thinks there's an OW or I'm GAL, it doesn't matter. She obviously doesn't want either.

Looking back, I realize that post phone call last night her texting some humor to me was another way of seeing if I was still interested in her. She was using humor as a tool to get me engaged. It worked.

Funny - but this crap is like psychological warfare.

[Steve McQueen]

Funny - but this crap is like psychological warfare.

or she is bored and knows you are her friend.

[PMA_Baby!]

What happened to not responding unless it had to do w your son?

She just keeps on reeling you back in.

YOU need to cut the line so she cant.

How r u doing that???

[john28]

What happened to not responding unless it had to do w your son?

She just keeps on reeling you back in.

YOU need to cut the line so she cant.

How r u doing that???

I understand. Like I said, she pursued me last night and I should not have responded. It won't happen like that again for the time being.

She can't miss me if I don't let her.

I have an IC session with the MC today in about 1 hour. She suggested in our last MC together that I come in alone this time. I think I will bring up the subject of a controlled separation rather than heading down the D path and see what she thinks, and her opinion on that knowing where my W is on this sitch.

[dsh4320]

In IC dont focus too much on your W or the M, IC is for you, focus on you and what issues YOU have with things.

[john28]

IC session today was meh. We talked alot about the changes I am making and basically everything here has told me. Do it for myself. GAL. Don't puruse. Etc.

At least this MC is on the same page as me. I told her about last night and how W pursued me and she thought that was good.

I asked her what her success rate is in my situation. She said that W is still coming to counseling. And she is going to Retrouvialle. Those are not necessarily positive signs, but they are not negative. But from talking to W she feels that she is unhappy with the way the M has been, and doesn't see it changing and is scared that if she goes back into it the changes won't stick (basically what I thought). She says that as long as W is coming to MC, and I continue to make positive changes as the person I want to be for me, and she is able to get W to recognize and work on her own problems that contributed to this, she has a 100% success rate. But, if MC ends, or I fail to be the person that I want to be, she can't speak to any amount of success.

She talked about how getting a D just trades one set of problems for another. Instead of worrying about how you're going to please your S, work with your S, be loved by your S, live with them... you now have the problems of money, scheduling, emotional line walking, etc. She said that if W really knew what she was doing by seeking D, she would probably want to work on the M to fix her problems as I worked on mine. Even if we do D, we'll still have the same problems as if we were M. That won't really change. They'll just be more problems.

We talked about controlled separation, she's a huge proponent of it. But, since W and I have already agreed to a few of the harder issues (no dating) there really isn't a need for it.

She spoke highly of Retrouvialle. I told her how W was going just to communicate better, not work on the M. She said she didn't care - whatever it took to get her in the door because these problems need to be addressed regardless. She said it was a very good program.

Next MC is setup 3 days after Retrouvialle.

Time to keep going dark for the next two weeks at least. W has sent me an email saying I need to call and change the trash over to my name, and she's been changing cable, electric and stuff like that to my name today because I was autonotified by email. I don't know if she's trying to draw me in from not talking to her last night or if she's just taking care of business. Doesn't matter - I'm going NC either way.