LL, Hud, Pam, Jeannine, Andrea... I **heart** you all! Thanks for bringing a smile to my face! A 'guru' huh? There are days when I feel like a perfectly adequate tour guide who CANNOT for the life of her find her own way home... What a long, strange, trip....

h is still super sick. when I got home last night he seemed better than he had yesterday morning...he was strong enough to come food shopping with me...that made me feel REALLY good...he didn't have to come but he did! we spent the rest of the night hanging out on the "sick bed" watching TV. I went to bed early...he slept in the sick room I missed him! But, I know it's much better for him to get the best sleep possible.

I can feel myself bumping up against my fears...it's SUCH a powerful force for me but it masks itself in paranoia and insecurity. why can't I just see the neon sign flashing "you are afraid! Don't worry about the edge! You will be fine! Trust in that!".

So...this will sound ludicrous to those of you who don't meditate but...in the AM when I meditate I try to focus on 3 "intentions" for the day...(KK -- this may speak to a bit of what's been talked about on your thread of late?) -- anyway...this morning I was totally trying to "intent" losing my "armor" -- opening up -- accepting that I'm really, really afraid right now of letting h in.

What am I afraid of? Where do I find myself dabbling in weaker moments?
That I just don't know how to be a good w.
That even if I were...that he would still not want to be with me.
That ow is somehow lurking out there
That he's unhappy

All lameA$$ stuff..I know. I've taken the tour bus down that old familiar cheeseless tunnel!

ANYWAY...back to the point...I focused my thoughts and energy on opening up, exposing that scared parts of myself....letting love in and out, etc.

THEN...I read my two hororscopes for the day...I know, I know...meditation AND my hororscope? My h would laugh his butt off...but here goes...

Cainercast (tho' not written by him):
Eric writes: Who sets the terms of your relationships? Is it you and your partner? Or is it some unseen force? There is a vast conspiracy at work in your life to derail an old plan you've only vaguely suspected you were following. You were told, among other things, that to be open and vulnerable meant to be a victim. You were not told that when you shut down, you cut off your source of nutrients and life force. You are getting a very clear message to open up and receive right now. You have nothing at all to lose.

and beliefnet.com:
GEMINI (May 21-Jun 20): Slower isn't necessarily better for you Geminis, since your natural pace can be faster than others. But now, slowing down can teach you something very important about yourself--assuming you're willing to learn. At first, you might try to sidestep the feelings that are surfacing, for they can bring up old hurts that you believed were long healed. It is from this vulnerability, however, that real intimacy can be created.

Seems like pretty reasonable words to the wise for all of us struggling here...no?

Gonna take a page from Pam's book and make this a positive, loving, OPEN DAY!!!

Sage

Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.