How should I proceed now? Is there hope?

[NotCrackingUp]

This is my first time posting anything on the net. Reading Michele's book - "The Divorce Remedy" - and praying hard have kept my head above water, but my situation seems to be deteriorating daily.
I have been married for 14 years, and we've been together for 18 years. We have three children, aged 13, 10 and 7.Around this time last year, my husband seemed at times very irritable, and was away from home more and more frequently, and for longer. He was working very hard, trying to turn a part-time job as a sports instructor into a full-time post, the summer hols are his busiest period and I had just finished a year's very hard work preparing a professional exam myself (I passed with flying colours). So I just put it down to stress, especially as he could also be his old, affectionate self too. He did show signs of great impatience with the children as well as with me.
Then, this winter, he became moodier and moodier, would be hateful at times, then down, then quite normal too. Then, I started to notice that he was slipping off to phone and text in private - in our room, in the toilet... First, he told me not to worry, it was just a friend who needed to talk.but the absolute trust I had always placed in him was shaken.Finally, on the first of March, just after we'd spent a romantic weekend away, he came out with the news that this friend - I know her and have cooked dinner for her and her two children on occasion - had been his lover since june 2009, "on and off", that it had started as her needing a shoulder to cry on during her divorce, then proceeded to sexy text messages and then to a passionate physical relationship.He told me that she gave him "everything he wanted in a woman", but also that he'd seen her for "who she really was" and that she made him jealous. I was very hurt, but as sure then as I am now of the fact that this man is the man of my life, that I would do anything to save my marriage. I immediately told him that I was crushed but willing to forgive, that we had shared too much to just throw everything away for a mistake, that an eight-month affair was worth a lot less than 18 years together. He told me of the affair in such a way as to make it my fault - that I'd been too wrapped up in work to attend to his needs, that I didn't want to make love when he wanted to, that I was difficult to live with in many ways, that he'd been unhappy for a long time and had finally looked elsewhere for comfort. I am easily made to feel guilty, and I saw my faults. I did work late - I was preparing for a gruelling exam while working as a teacher and looking after the children. I did sometimes feel too tense to enjoy sex, even though not always. He's a very impatient person, and had been very preoccupied with work (and other stuff) himself, so it was hard to get conversation out of him, very often. I need to feel relaxed and have talked and laughed at least a little before I'm in the mood, whereas he'd not talk to me all evening, then get angry if I didn't feel like jumping into bed straight away. But we did have a good sex-life, if I can judge by what my sister and friens tell me about frequency. In fact, he came out with all sorts of reasons for his having been driven into this woman's arms. I told him that I would be more attentive to him, that I loved him deeply, that we could get over it, and he agreed. He finished up with her on the following day, and for two months, things seemed to be getting better. Our sex-life took a leap forward, was loving and exciting -at least I thought so - and I lost a lot of weight (stress works better than anything!). He told me I was lovely, was attentive, etc. He seemed down sometimes, told me he couldn't forget her just like that. That hurt, but I told him I understood, that he'd need time, that we'd get through it.He agreed, kept telling me not to worry. I tried my best not to spy and to trust again, but it was hard. We were both also working very hard outside of home, had little time together. I had more free time than he, and seemed to be spending most of it alone with the kids. His full-time post came through, then on the 2nd of May, after a normal weekend, he came home and told me that he was moving into the spare room, that he didn't love me anymore, that he couldn't live with me anymore, that he was going to get legal advice about separation and divorce. I tried to get an explanation out of him, but he just got cold and angry.I begged and pleaded with him to take time over his decision, to take time to "mourn"this affair, but it was like talking to a brick wall.He moved out of our room, and with one exception_ which he afterwards deemed a "mistake" - we haven't made love or even touched since. He has just moved out into a flat about 10km from here. I bought "The Divorce Remedy" this summer, have read it over and over. While he was still around, I tried "cheerleading", "acting as if" and trying to be as cheerful and light as I could under the circumstances. Before I read it, I made a rake of mistakes - tried arguing with him about his feelings, tried writing to him, tried reasoning with him. I only once got angry - I'm a calm person and feel that anger is of no use.He has been consistently cold, hard, critical. He shows a lot of anger towards me, hardly looks at me, won't make eye-contact, is very defensive if I ask even the most ordinary innocent question. He now says he "doesn't know " if this is permanent, needs "time" and "freedom", doesn't love me or desire me. He has denied that the other woman is still in the picture, but I wonder... Our children are very sad, they never saw an argument in this house, always heard their Dad say that we'd never divorce and saw him show me affection and love. He told them about the affair, and in fact the two older ones, my two girls, had suspected something long before I did, as they know and have played regularly with this woman's kids (same age). They now feel that their Dad and this woman "used" them last summer as a pretext to meet, throwing them together by force fairly often, although there was no great affinity between them. They've also seen their father cold and nasty to me, although I remain stoical. My eldest has completely taken against her Dad, refuses to go to his new flat, will hardly speak to him. I've told them 1000 times that they need him and he needs them, that he loves them, but they don't trust or understand him anymore. He seems to have changed utterly. I should say that ever since he turned 40 (he's 42), he's been worried about losing his hair, having wrinkles, getting old.I'm 46, but don't look it - although after this summer, I feel about 100! During the summer, he's bougt lots of new "young", trndy clothes - I saw them as he packed up his stuff to leave. He's always checking himself out in any available mirror, looking at his body in a way he used never do. He used to be happy with himself, physically, at ease. Now he's forever preening like some teenager. Our age difference was never a problem, now he loses no opportunity to let me know that I'm "older".I used to have a weight problem, but he always said he loved my curves. Now I've lost 18kg (about 39lbs), but he looks at me as if I were something the cat brought in, with disdain and distaste. He's left lots of stuff here, comes by almost every day, hasn't officially changed addresses and has made no announcements about his leaving. It's all totally unofficial. This is limbo for me - financially, too - but I want to avoid divorce. He's stopped most contact with his own family, although they were close. He behaves as though mine never existed - they live in another country.

This man was open, loving, happy. I have a photo of him in my wallet, taken 2 years ago. His facial expression has changed totally. He doesn't contact old friends, has a crowd of relatively new friends through his sports activities (including the hairdresser from hell - I mean the OW), several of whom are newly separated and living in "flatland" in town, near his new place. They've all told him divorce is a doddle, children bounce back, you've only one life etc.

I stll love the man I married, and want to save my couple if I can at all. I hardly recognise the person he's become. He acts as if he doesn't care what I feel, is cold and hard.I try my best not to seem down, he comes around to do things and occasionally has a meal here, but he seems to be calling all the shots. He says he doesn't have anyone at present, but is not going to continue like that, and I see that he's "on the make", eyeing up the girls. I'm out of the picture, yet he doesn't know if it's permanent, hasn't drawn a line through our marriage, hasn't made any official moves... I feel as though I'm on "stand-by". Says he wants "time".
It feels like the mid-life crisis met fatal attraction and spawned some kind of monster. I've actually wondered if he was taking some kind of drug. He's going against all we ever shared, as values, denying all he ever held dear. Even his eldest's rejection of him doesn't seem to knock a feather out of him, but he is tense and angry all the time. Now and again, he seems to forget himself, and smiles at me as in the past, or makes a jokey comment to me, then seems to remember where he is now, and the mask goes on again.
I feel all crushed inside, as if I'm no longer a woman at all. I need him and love him, find it hard to believe he can have changed so radically and forgotten all we were to each other. I'm 46, and my body bears the marks of children and breastfeeding, but I'm quite attractive, still. I've just never loked at anyone but him, and he knows it and is taking advantage of it. I've got to be strong for my kids, they need one parent over 18. This is very long, but it has helped a lot to get it off my chest. I want to use Michele's methods, but my friends and family have told me to write my husband off, so no support there. I feel that, strangely, the stronger of the two of us is myself, although I've been a pushover from his point of view. I feel he could snap out of this one fine morning and regret it terribly. I want to be there, stll sane, if possible. So where do I go from here? Your comments will be so welcome. I hope there will be some ositive ones, please! By the way, I live in France ( where I settled on account of this God's gift to womankind ) but come originally from Ireland. Divorces are very common and rather easy here, but no-one seems any the happier after. My husband's family don't approve, but are standing on the sidelines, except for his mum, who is heartbroken and wants me to hold out until hell freezes over.
So that's my story. Thank-you for reading thus far, you've helped just by being there.
NotCrackingUp

[kara]

Hi NotCrackingUp

Welcome to the place nobody ever wishes they will end up!

Everyone here is pro marriage and pro sanity! Your story is so predictable and so common. Every iota of it is familiar, so you are definitely not alone in grappling with this.

It sounds like your husband is gone and therefore the best thing you may be able to do here is to let him know that you have "let him go". There is a thread here by Gucci Loafer called "Setting them Free". It may be instructive reading for you at this point.Setting them free should really be called Setting Yourself Free beacuse it sets you free from many things, especially from the potential loss of sanity (which must be avoided at all costs).

In a sense you are lucky that he has moved out because it will allow you to detach and focus on YOU and your children without his affair playing out before your eyes daily. This can be a gift if you choose to see it as such.

Your H may be gone now but he may come back. Just three days ago I ran into a couple where the H was involved with a much younger woman about two years ago. After it became too much, the W put him out and he moved in with the younger woman. Well, it took a while but he came back and after much counseling and work, they are back together. It CAN be done. It won't happen in all cases, obviously, but it is an encouraging story if you need one now.

I don't post much on the Boards now but I will drop back in to seehow you are doing. You will get lots of helpful advice here. Weekends are usually slow but once the weekend is over things will pick up and you will get several responses.

[NotCrackingUp]

Thanks Kara. I don't know if the affair is still on - he hotly denies it, but words have become incredibly cheap. I sometimes even think he's on the look-out for a new woman. He's got the ideal job for it : sports instructor with oodles of charm (not turned towards yours truly anymore, though). However, he's always popping up here, doesn't necessarily warn me. wants to see the children, needs an object from the house... It's so difficult to see him here and not be like in the past. I've told him that I've accepted he needs to live through something else, that he needs time and freedom. My problem is: how to act in the meantime, when I see him. Being light and friendly is so hard - I feel tense and sad.Should I avoid him, be scarce?
He's gone, but the marriage is still there, and I really want to grab every chance of resurrecting it.
NotCrackingUp

[Lotus]

NCU,

As long as you hang around and he can count on you being there, there is no reason for him to change. He has the best of both worlds now -- single and married. Until he feels that he has lost you, he will not change.

[Piano]

Hugs NCU, sorry you are here. I understand your confusion and pain.
I've been where you are (even the same country is involved..you can find me in Newcomers). You've had good advice so far from Kara and Lotus .
The best thing you can do at the moment is read others posts here.
Read, read, read all the posts of Sandi2, Robx, Coach and Greek, to name a few. You can do a search on their names and recent posts will come up.
CD Bear's current thread in Infidelity contains some incredibly wise pots on it and which will help you with your sitch and understand what DBing is about.
Even though his situation is different, the advice is largely the same.
Read up on Boundaries (there is a thread in Newcomers) as well as Setting Them Free thread. Boundaries help protect you from harmful/hurtful behaviour. Your H should NOT be coming in and out of the house willy nilly.
You need to protect yourself & put a stop to what is hurting you so you can heal and look at your situation with distance and clarity. It's important to act from the head, not the heart.

[NotCrackingUp]

Thank- you, Lotus and Piano. I'm only beginning to find my way around the site, but on your advice, I've started reading everything I can find. On reflection, I feel there's a touch of mid-life-crisis about all this; just when he's finally managed to leave behind a job in agriculture he didn't like and become a fully-fledged sports instructor, just in his early forties, starting to lose his hair big-time and get a wrinkled, gaunt look to his face (I always thought he looked great, and told him so, but he had to go out and prove it),he starts to buy new clothes like there was no tomorrow and "age", "youth" etc. seem forever on the tip of his tongue. I'm a Christian, so was he, although not a great practician. I am discreet about my faith, but still practice and bring the kids up to practice.This was what we'd agreed on - I never forced it - when they were born and baptised. Now he makes fun of these beliefs and calls them a "leisure activity" for me. He emphasises our differences, although they never seemed to bother him in the past, rather the contrary.While he was still around, I was the main cause of all his unhappiness and had been for years, during which he'd been "acting a part". He said this to me, but also to our eldest, a girl of 13, and that hurt her so much, as she took it to mean that all his shows of love and affection were a sham.
So I've been reading up on posts by "Kensha" and "Bowtech" on the MLC.That has helped.
He came over this afternoon, just as a friend arrived with her children for a coffee.I just said "hi" - he still always insists on giving me a peck on the cheek, like he would to his mother. Then I left him do his own thing in the office.We were in the garden. When coffee was ready, I asked him if he'd have a cup, out of politeness. He came, ate and drank with us,played with the combined children and chatted to my friend as if no change has occurred in our circumstances. You'd think he was the happy husband and father of the year.She knows the score, and was astonished. I went back into the house to busy myself in the kitchen - also to avoid him, it hurts so much - and instead of heading off about his business, he follows me indoors to talk about some meeting he was going to attend later and "kiss" me goodbye again. You can't really refuse the "bise" on both cheeks in France, but you can stop doing it to the woman you've just rejected and told to be 'undesirable' and no longer the object of your love! I don't know where I am with him. He's gone but forever coming back, wants another life, another woman, but also wants to "play happy families".
Reading other people's posts is giving me strength and also a little "distance". Perhaps if he thinks he's losing me, he'll come back. However, although I've told him Im accepting his having to live through new experiences, I said it through clenched teeth, I'm not ready to let go and the thought of him in someone else's arms while I sit here and spin is tearing me apart.I'll have to get over that and regain a bit of confidence as a woman.Any notions on how to build up feminine cofidence that's been crushed by rejection and lack of respect?
Thanks.
NotCrackingUp

[NotCrackingUp]

I've just read some replies from "Robx" and "Sandi2"as advised above. Not all. Very muscular stuff. I'm a pushover, but it's recent.I'll just have to keep reading and get hold of that "go ahead, make my day" attitude. I really love him, but he's showing he despises me for it. Logically, I should turn on the cold tap - or cut the water off at the mains entirely.
Just reading posts and writing helps. Goodnight.
NotCrackingUp

[kara]

Hi NCU

It is muscular stuff but rest assured at some point of your journey you become ready for it and then it desn't seem muscular or even very brave, just necessary.

Your H does seem to want to live in both worlds and that can drive you crazy if you let it. Letting go doesn't have to mean that you stop loving your H. It means that you stop being caught up in his drama, detach and move forward while puting the focus on yourself and your chidren. You acknowledge that you deserve respect and that he doesn't appear capable of that right now. You acknowledge that you deserve better and you don't wait for him to do better by you , you start to do better for yourself.

You can let go lovingly. No need to be bitter or nasty. Just firmly set your boundaries and let him know what you will and will not accept. It is easy for us to say this because we have been through a process to reach this point.

Now, how to regain your feminine confidence? Well, retail therapy always helps me out. If you can afford some new clothes, new shoes, handbags, jewellry. Whatever is your thing (maybe all of them are). You said that you are living in France so you must have that je ne sais quoi and sense of style down pat. Maybe a new hairstyle, new pair of shades or perfume? Primarily FOR YOU but he may also sit up and notice.

A day at the spa is always nice as is a do it yourself mani/pedi.

The possibilities are endless, really.

Keep reading. You will learn a lot. Everything will not work in every situation but you will definitely find a lot of take-aways.

[NotCrackingUp]

Thanks Kara. I have one question that is burning me up inside. Ultimately, no-one but the man himself can answer it, and even he is so confused and confusing that I doubt he could. it's this: How can you make love regularly and passionately to someone for years, show them affection and desire quite frequently, then suddenly turn it all off and say it was an illusion, it didn't exist? Three days before he dropped the bomb, we were both at home in the afternoon while kids were at school. We ate together, then went about our business. After a while, he came over to me and said he'd lots of work to do but felt like making love. We locked up and went to have our siesta, were interrupted by a neighbour but continued after. This was a reasonably regular occurrence, by the way, but this episode was on Thursday, and on Monday evening, he had no desire for me, was shamming, couldn't live with me anymore. Between Thurs and Sunday, we'd also made love. And with one exception (which he called a "mistake"), he hasn't touched me since, except for this ritual "peck on the cheek" when we meet. This is what's getting to me: he looks through me or won't make eye-contact, recoils from me and behaves with coldness, shows either indifference or irritation with me. All of a sudden, after years of affection and tenderness. I know there was another woman, but that never stopped the closeness. So any experiences or ideas that might explain the overnight freeze and subsequent cold war, leading up to this separation? He no longer texts or phones, just arrives, not always when he's said. I never now initiate communication, and stay quiet when he's here. The sudden utter change and loss of desire/rejection are tearing me to pieces.I can't accept his "shamming" explanation, or he should have won several Oscars. If he was "shamming", he wouldn't have sought me out for intimacy, would he?
NotCrackingUp

[kara]

You ask a good question and you are right that only your H really has the answer. I am not sure that I can hazard a guess. Many people on this site have experienced the almost automatic turning off of emotions and love by a WAS. There are usually some signs that something is amiss but they do seem to transform rather quickly from someone who is sleeping next to you and interacting normally to someone with a cold, vacant stare who is hanging on to the edge of the bed in a desperate bid to put as much distance between you as possible.

As for the "shamming" etc, a lot of WAS do rewrite history. Maybe it is an attempt to ease their conscience. They probably did have some aspects of the marriage they were unhappy with but it was their responsibilty to voice them and seek resolution. I don't buy the "shamming" argument for one second.

I know that you will want answers to all the whys and how comes but don't drive yourself crazy trying to figure it out.

Don't let the loss of "desire" on his part make you think that you are anything less than a desirable woman. This is his choice now. Remember that even the most beautiful and desirable people in the world have had cheating partners. It did not make the LBS any less beautiful or desirable. Reassure yourself that you have inner and outer beauty. Continue to grow and work on yourself and realize that it is his loss if he chooses to walk away. This is where you focus on yourself and your children.

Keep reading. Keep posting if it helps. If you can post on other people's threads you will get more traffic and comments on yours.