My children went with stbxH to his place for the first time this morning. F*ck that was hard. I thought I was ready for it, I really did. I tried to hide the sadness but S5 said to me "Why are you sad mommy? I don't like it when you're sad." To which I could only smile and reply "Me neither sweetie". And then I kissed them and wished them a happy day.
I spent the day at home, with my mom helping clean out the clutter and rubble that had become the norm at home. I f*cking hate that too. I was never this disorganized, this cluttered. It reminded me how much responsibility has been on my shoulders on the homefront for quite a while (I know ... poor PEI ... blah, blah, blah). It made me sad. I came across cards and love notes and poems and pictures. All for a life and a marriage that doesn't exist anymore. It just seems like such a waste sometimes.
Then I remembered that it wasn't a waste. It brought me three beautiful children, countless memories and, ultimately, this experience. Everything I am feeling is normal ... it's part of the grieving process and I need to let myself feel it. I also need to choose to not let it take over. Feel it, and then, when ready, release it.
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
