Here's a story...of a very sad lady

[Puppy Dog Tails]

I learned an exercise from my C that helps me answer these sorts of questions (those that are deeply emotional)

1. Meditate on this - Pretend you are your best friend (not yourself as your best friend, really visualize that you are her)

2. She has told you what her H has done, is doing, and how it is hurting her children.

3. You are an outsider to the situation but you have an emotional connection to her. What advice would you give her?
What are your reasons behind the advice. The advice must be specific, not driven by emotion but by common sense and a desire to protect.

4. Follow that advice for yourself.

Puppy

[Dagny-2]

[quote=mishka422] I learned an exercise from my C that helps me answer these sorts of questions (those that are deeply emotional)

1. Meditate on this - Pretend you are your best friend (not yourself as your best friend, really visualize that you are her)

2. She has told you what her H has done, is doing, and how it is hurting her children.

3. You are an outsider to the situation but you have an emotional connection to her. What advice would you give her?
What are your reasons behind the advice. The advice must be specific, not driven by emotion but by common sense and a desire to protect.

4. Follow that advice for yourself.

So the whiny answer, because I love him, is not acceptable?

This makes sense and would be wise to do in these situations. It is amazing that at some points I feel so strong and others, I am back to this weak pile of mush. The calling the boys and having no interest in talking to me, is a killer. We talked every day before the bomb. I’m just so hurt and angry. Angry at the betrayal, angry at myself for being so blind. Angry at myself that I let the fear of moving slow me down, but I did do it, it took me a while to process it, but I moved. I uprooted my life and the kids’ life to be a family, and this is how I’m repaid. Venting, venting, when will the anger fade? And after all this, I still love him. Love surely is blind, isn’t it?

[mishka422]

I know, I know puppy.....I said it's a good exercise, I didn't say I was good at it!!! LOL!

Vent away Dagny!! Vent away!!!!

Love is blind, deaf, dumb, and stupid!!! It certainly drives us all to foolishness. Now that you know that, defeat it with reason. There is no reason to shut off your love, but you'll need to learn to turn it down to low simmer.

Loving actions and kind words do not equal acceptance of the situation or his choices.

[Virtually_Handsome]

So the whiny answer, because I love him, is not acceptable?

(((((Dagny)))))
I don't think so!
Is it love, at this point? Is it maybe fear of the unknown? Is it not wanting to "fail"?

When you let both of you go, you may find the answer.

[Dagny-2]

I've been thinking about this all day, is it fear or love? Or both?

I am fearful of failure, I don't like to fail, I don't like to give up.

I am fearful of having my standard of living so drastically reduced. I'm fearful of not having enough money to support myself and my boys.

I am fearful of being lonely, of having no one to call for help, of being sick without anyone to help.

I am fearful of never being loved again. Of never having someone "have my back"


I am fearful of being divorced, of being perceived as an angry, bitter woman. Of being an angry, bitter woman.

So those were what came to me today as I tried to honestly look at everything. So how do I separate what is fear and what is love? Can someone really love someone enough to let them go be with OW? To pursue their happiness with them?

Dagny

[mishka422]

I don't know about 'letting' them go be with OW. It's not really about 'letting' them do anything, is it? They've done it...time for you to do what is best for you and let him go stew in his own filth.

Dagny, your fears sound identical to mine and, I imagine, many of us here. Are you sure you didn't read my journal? Those sentences could be verbatim.

Concentrate on turning your fears into rational thoughts and converting them into realisms. On GIMA's thread Coach posted an ABCDE technique that is from a book called "Learned Optimism" It goes like this:

The ABCDE Method of Learned Optimism:
A - Adversity - Define the problem.
B - Belief - Define the belief system that is interpreting that adversity.
C - Consequences - Define the consequences arising from the adversity and the (in)action.
D - Disputation - Argue the core belief and effectively dispute the belief that follow the adversity.
E - Energization - The positive feelings that overcome the negative thoughts after the disputation step.

[Virtually_Handsome]

I've been thinking about this all day, is it fear or love? Or both?

I rather suspect it is some of each.

I am fearful of failure, I don't like to fail, I don't like to give up.

I think most of us understand that one. I think the key here is to show yourself that this is not your failure. I know if feels that way, but really, is it?

I am fearful of having my standard of living so drastically reduced. I'm fearful of not having enough money to support myself and my boys.

That's a scary one. That's why, even while you try to save your M, you should also be learning what your rights in the worst case are. Fear of the unknown is a killer. It may be that things won't be as bad as you fear. Which isn't to say they will be good, especially at first.

I am fearful of being lonely, of having no one to call for help, of being sick without anyone to help.

Well, to start with there are your kids. There are friends. Family. Probably a lot of people you never expected could be there. I think this is one of the fears that isn't as bad, once you shine a light on it.

I am fearful of never being loved again. Of never having someone "have my back"

Do you really think that would be true? I don't.

I am fearful of being divorced, of being perceived as an angry, bitter woman. Of being an angry, bitter woman.

The good thing about this one is that you get to control it! No one can make you an angry, bitter woman!

So those were what came to me today as I tried to honestly look at everything. So how do I separate what is fear and what is love? Can someone really love someone enough to let them go be with OW? To pursue their happiness with them?

Perhaps a better way of phrasing letting go would have been to use the word detaching... detaching your emotions from his actions.

(((((Dagny)))))

I am impressed at the thinking you have done today, really. All of those fears are real... but once you write them down like that, you can start to think about them rather than fear them.

[KellBell0820]

I've been thinking about this all day, is it fear or love? Or both?

I am fearful of failure, I don't like to fail, I don't like to give up.

I am fearful of having my standard of living so drastically reduced. I'm fearful of not having enough money to support myself and my boys.

I am fearful of being lonely, of having no one to call for help, of being sick without anyone to help.

I am fearful of never being loved again. Of never having someone "have my back"


I am fearful of being divorced, of being perceived as an angry, bitter woman. Of being an angry, bitter woman.

So those were what came to me today as I tried to honestly look at everything. So how do I separate what is fear and what is love? Can someone really love someone enough to let them go be with OW? To pursue their happiness with them?

Dagny

Dagny, I had to reply here. These are very real fears, ones that I too face. I can't say that I love H enough to just let him be with OW, but I do love him enough to want him to be happy, and to allow him to make his mistakes, whether he comes back to me or not. I think that's how I'm handling my emotions logically right now. I don't know this OW, but I do know that she has spent all his money, that she is changing him (don't know whether or not he wants to change), he is ignoring his kids, ignoring his family. I can't say all of these are due to OW but it certainly doesn't help.

You can't let fear hold you back though. As everyone else says (even you've told me), know your rights, know what you can do, what kind of help you will need (if any) and how to get it. Also know that it's not the end, you can't live your life as if the possible end of this marriage will be the end of you, it won't. You won't be giving up if you've tried your hardest, even if it means you let go and feel as if you did give up. Even if you come out of this sans H but with a newfound confidence and better ability to handle relationships (all of them); then you aren't a failure.

[Dagny-2]

I'm still processing everything above, but H just called to talk about the next few months and our travel/kid schedule for weekends and we got to November and he said in a sad voice, he didn't know who he would spend Thanksgiving with. I wanted to say, your GF, but I said nothing, offerred no reassurances or anything, let him just think about it. Is he expecting me to feel sorry for him? He also said I've been an "angel" in how I deal with his family. Just funny, in a very odd, sad way.

Dagny

[KellBell0820]

Heh, yeah. I think you handled it well, for all the knowledge I have on this anyway (haha). I'm dreading the holiday's honestly, D's birthday is right after Christmas and of course I have no clue if or when H is planning on coming back here.