On two ends of the world..

[FindingMyVoice]

I haven't. To be quite honest I haven't exactly realized what was happening there until I wrote my earlier post today. I just never analyzed it. All I knew was that I was unhappy with the way he was trying to pretend that nothing happened.

Hey that's ok...I think a lot of us have had the same experience. It's good you're beginning to see what's happening - the pattern - great work ris, you should be proud of the effort you're making. Well, all I can suggest then is that you share those feelings with him. As long as you're sure you won't be in harm's way, what have you got to lose?

Granted you have to share them in a calm way if you can; without blame - just make a calm statement about it. It wasn't until I started sharing with my H that the way our patterns made me feel disrespected, dismissed - all those same things - did he start to slow down and stop blaming. It didn't happen right away, expect it to be gradual. But it's a healthy, proactive and self-respecting way to approach a conflict.

It's a matter of changing your half of the pattern. When you change, the other person's response often changes, because what they're reacting to has changed. Trying to stay aware of your own feelings and sharing them, can help you stay calm and avoid getting into those circular arguements that go nowhere.

Granted, sometimes it doesn't happen so neatly. You may find him still blaming, trying to tell you that you 'shouldn't' feel 'that' way. Don't know if you've read any of Harriet Lerner's work (Dance of Intimacy is my favorite; Dance of Anger also excellent). She often speaks of 'Change - Change back' patterns. This is when one person is working to change their half of a pattern, and the other person tries all sorts of reactions because they're not used to the new change. So it sometimes helps to think about how he might react, and plan some 'counter-moves' of your own.

I try to explain and and to steer conversation onto a logical path which at this point is completely pointless and eventually withdraw. I don't back down though, I'm very stubborn..

Yah, that's a tough road. I'd try just sticking with your own feelings about things; trying to be logical when emotions are high on both sides rarely works, as you've obviously seen!