You can't have everything, where would you put it?

[mishka422]

And why in the world are you letting your STBXW influence your relationship with your daughter and her education?

Exactly the point I was trying to make.

[ClingingToHope]

Drew, I don't want to see STBXW. I don't want to go, really.

Perhaps it would be different if I didn't see them every day after school. I do though and I get to see what's needed.

I'll go in Friday and talk to the teacher about the schedule. I have them overnight every Wednesday so are there any Thursday specific tests.

Basically, I'm still not comfortable enough around STBXW. And when she does ask questions or talk about our "situation" I get angry. That's the reason I'm going to request separate parent-teacher conferences this year.

I'm meeting D8's teacher Wednesday.

Side things. Tomorrow is the first morning D11 has to be at school early for band practice. STBXW hasn't emailed or texted at all. It'll be interesting if she tries to reach me at the last second.

D11 is going to have practice every Tuesday at 7:15 a.m. and D8 has to be on the bus by 7:18 a.m. Obviously that won't work, so she'll have to drive D11 to practice and that means D8 will have to be ready to go at 7 a.m. Since school starts at 8:15 a.m. that kind of sucks for D8.

We'll see how that's handled. At least D8 gets to sleep later when she's with me. I can drive her so she doesn't have to wake up until 7 a.m.

[Drew]

The longer you hold onto your anger - the only ones going to be hurt are your children.

Easier said than done, I know. It's a process I'm still going through.

[BobbiJo]

I will chime in as a teacher--really, the orientation is so everyone knows what to expect for the child that year. And I'm sorry but it kind of hit me wrong when you said you have her Weds, so you need to know about Thursday tests. I mean, yes, of course, you do need to know about Thursday tests. But she is your child 24/7/365, right? So even if something isn't due on Thursday it doesn't mean you shouldn't/can't be informed and interested and willing to help out. Sorry, I just hate it, as a teacher, when parents try to parcel out their child's education into 'his responsiblity' and 'her responsibility'.

One thing I vowed, having seen just about everything as a teacher, is that I would not make the teacher schedule two conferences bc Dan and I couldn't be in the same room together. I know as a teacher I would probably forget something when talking to one parent, or mention something to one and not the other. If you want to make sure you are on the same page concerning your kids, sorry, but you really are better off going to these things together. I mean you don't have to carpool but I don't think it kills you to be in the same geographic location at the same time.

[Drew]

Amen, BobbiJo. Parents are forever.

[awest1217]

BobbiJo I am completely with you. As a teacher also, it is so important to be at everything for your child. Just because you only have the girls on Wednesday nights, you do have them every day after school so you need to know what homework they will be having, when projects are due. Maybe a project isn't due until Friday, but they will need to work on it Wednesday to finish by Friday. All those things are important.

Also with the parent-teacher conferences, I agree. I can't have the exact same conversation with each parent because each one will ask different questions so I may tell you something and not STBXW because of the way the conversation flows so it is so important you work TOGETHER!

I understand that you can't stand STBXW and it is starting to sound like you honestly are starting to hate her for what she has done, but you have to get past the hatred. It will take time for it all to fade, but by not seeing her and festering everything will only make it worse. Start with the orientation and other school functions. Keep the conversation strictly about the girls and what they are doing. It is better that you two can be in teh same room together and show the girls how to deal with people you don't get along with in a positive manner through example. What if D8 or D11 comes home and says she won't go back to school or sit in her class because she doesn't like Susy, or Susy did something mean and they aren't friends anymore so she can't be in the same room. It is not possible. You would tell her that sometimes you have to work with people you don't necessarily like, but you treat them with kindness and just stay away when possible.

Just lead by example. Yes it stinks and hurts and makes you angry, but as a teacher it is better if the parents work together, especially with D8, because otherwise your girls no matter how innocent you think they are, will pick-up on the disfunction and use it against you. I have seen it happen many times. Don't talk everyday or twice a week, but when school functions come and they are for getting information, you should be there.

[mishka422]

What if D8 or D11 comes home and says she won't go back to school or sit in her class because she doesn't like Susy, or Susy did something mean and they aren't friends anymore so she can't be in the same room. It is not possible. You would tell her that sometimes you have to work with people you don't necessarily like, but you treat them with kindness and just stay away when possible.

Precicely.

Just lead by example. Yes it stinks and hurts and makes you angry, but as a teacher it is better if the parents work together, especially with D8, because otherwise your girls no matter how innocent you think they are, will pick-up on the disfunction and use it against you.

The example of avoidance will lead to dysfunction in their dealings with difficult people. Do you really want that for them?

You said that they have had to change schools, sitters, etc many times because of your STBXW's anger issues and subsequent embarassment, correct? How do you think that came about? Example. If you display avoidance, you will teach the girls to isolate themselves and avoid circumstances that are not in their comfort zone. That is no way to live! Trust me....I've lived it for many years. Avoiding things out of fear, nervousness, distrust, or anger will only hurt you and them.

I see you as a competitive person CTH. So, challenge the competitor in yourself. Challenge yourself to go to the orientation, be confident and happy with yourself. Get the information you need for your D11's sake and go home knowing that STBXW's presence didn't scare you away. That's what is happening right now, even if you don't want to admit it to yourself.

[smith18]

Well said everyone.

To accept the loss
Experience the pain
Adjust to the new environment
Reinvest in a new reality

I just saw this last night when watching "Couples Retreat"...

The 5 stages of grief:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

Hopefully you will lose the anger quickly once you get the D behind you.

[ClingingToHope]

Kerry, I'm back at anger stage right now. Eventually I believe I'll be at a place where we can spend that time together. It's just not right now.

Funny thing is the whole orientation thing took care of itself. D11 doesn't want to go and D8 definitely wasn't going to want to go so D11 asked me to go because STBXW won't be able to.

On parent-teacher conferences. I hear your advice but I'm going the separate conference route. Last year STBXW just blathered on and on about how great things were. How they are doing sooooo much better.

When I would ask a question that indicated that what I was seeing wasn't so rosy I'd get the accusatory look.

So no ... I won't be doing parent teacher conferences together.

This is how I explained things to D11. I asked her to imagine a toy or thing she loved most in the world. Then I asked her to imagine me telling her she could never play with it again. She can look at it, she just can't touch it or ever use it again.

I said right now that's what it's like for me. Right now I need to be by myself right now and get used to not being together. She said that makes sense.

I've been doing lots of thinking on why it's such a struggle for me and I think I'm just not happy with my situation yet. I should be. I'm miles ahead of where I was a year ago. But the money is still a struggle. The living situation is still a struggle. The social situation is OK but could be better.

Part of that, probably, is that the D is not final. I have plans for what I'm going to do with my settlement. It angers me that I'm buried in credit card debt that was mostly not of my doing. It angers me that I have a car payment and she doesn't. I want my grandmother's wedding and engagement ring back. I want to not have to have a good day ruined by the latest letter from her idiot attorney.

I read here once that you let go of the past when your future looks better. I'm just not there yet.

BBJ, one of the problems with the marriage was that we both fought over who was in charge of the kids on schooling. I said at mediation that I don't need control I just wanted time.

So I guess what I meant was each day I go through their backpacks to see what needs to be done. I tell the after school sitter what I've found and then I let it go. They stay with their mom during the week (except for Wednesdays) and I'm not going to overstep the bounds.

Every day the girls and I talk about how the day went. If there's something I'm concerned about I'll step in. Otherwise, I stay out of it.

[Drew]

When I would ask a question that indicated that what I was seeing wasn't so rosy I'd get the accusatory look.

That's all it takes? A dirty look and you back down? You're in for a long road man.

Look, I don't particularly like going to parent teacher conferences with my ex. But I do. That way everyone is on the same page. And I can call BS when she paints a rosier picture than reality as you put it.