You are AGAIN FAILING to see this from your wife's TRUE feelings...
Are you listening to her?
She is telling you she is NOT attracted to you. She doesn't FEEL it for you.. She doesn't think she wants to feel it for you. There is no PASSION in her soul for you..
AND.. AND.. She is SCARED it isn't there or will EVER be there.. AGAIN.. She is scared out of her mind that it is gone..
Do you have any idea how that must feel to a woman (or any person for that matter) to think they will have to stay with a person who they don't feel love or passion for? Do you have any idea how depressing and lost that person must feel?
And yet, your big worry is to keep pushing and trying to show her how "she can get it back" by doing ______ or doing _____ or by studying this "triangle theory" or by doing this or doing that or saying this or saying that......
YUK.. YUK... YUK...
You do NOT get HER and you don't get IT....
Spinning your wheels unless or until you do understand how to handle this... And it is NOT going to be with counseling her how to get those feelings back..
Things will change when you can finally tell her and mean it... "I get it. You are not attracted to me and don't think you ever will be again. I understand. I wouldn't want to be with a woman I didn't feel the passion for either. I think it would be best for BOTH of us to move on. This won't work. It isn't fair to you to be with a man you feel like you feel for me. I finally get it."
And THEN let her go. THAT is when you will have your chance to get the passion back. and NOT before..
So did the counselor ask you why you want to be with a woman who isn't even attracted to you and what that says about YOU?
The counselor thinks that it's just all repressed because of all the hurt she has felt, and that she'll thaw with patient attention. Sounds like a nice theory. Sounds like a way to die slowly too. Her, not me.
She is telling you she is NOT attracted to you. She doesn't FEEL it for you.. She doesn't think she wants to feel it for you. There is no PASSION in her soul for you..
AND.. AND.. She is SCARED it isn't there or will EVER be there.. AGAIN.. She is scared out of her mind that it is gone..
Do you have any idea how that must feel to a woman (or any person for that matter) to think they will have to stay with a person who they don't feel love or passion for? Do you have any idea how depressing and lost that person must feel?
And yet, your big worry is to keep pushing and trying to show her how "she can get it back" by doing ______ or doing _____ or by studying this "triangle theory" or by doing this or doing that or saying this or saying that......
YUK.. YUK... YUK...
You do NOT get HER and you don't get IT....
Spinning your wheels unless or until you do understand how to handle this... And it is NOT going to be with counseling her how to get those feelings back..
Things will change when you can finally tell her and mean it... "I get it. You are not attracted to me and don't think you ever will be again. I understand. I wouldn't want to be with a woman I didn't feel the passion for either. I think it would be best for BOTH of us to move on. This won't work. It isn't fair to you to be with a man you feel like you feel for me. I finally get it."
And THEN let her go. THAT is when you will have your chance to get the passion back. and NOT before..
For example go back and read OIN's thread.
One of the things she asked me during counseling was whether I would be patient enough with her while she decided whether she wanted to stay. I told her I was committed to this, even if I got hurt more and more. This was very important to her.
She's also said that she wants that feeling back, but doesn't know how to get it back. She said she likes being around me, but is afraid of me too.
Gah, there I go defending how I want things to be instead of accepting them as they are. I guess I got caught up in the false hope since she's liking our counseling. When he asked her if we should continue next week, she didn't hesitate to say yes.
whether I would be patient enough with her while she decided whether she wanted to stay.
Letting her decide is a attraction killer. Follow along like a good boy.
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I told her I was committed to this, even if I got hurt more and more.
You just told her, "you can treat me anyway you like and I'll be your dutiful husband."
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This was very important to her.
the reality is no she doesn't want this.
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She's also said that she wants that feeling back, but doesn't know how to get it back.
See Gucci post. Doing more of the same doesn't work.
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She said she likes being around me, but is afraid of me too.
She's bored out of her mind. She's worried the rest of her life will be boring.
Shake things up. Let her go. Change the dynamic.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
PH, your W sounds like my H. Seemingly we're in a much better point than you, he kinda wants to work on it but says exactly the same "he's not attracted and doesn't know how to get it back". I was thinking that it was just repressed in our case too...
What Gucci says scares me A LOT because I feel like I have a lot to risk with a speech like this.
This probably didn't help you any PH, but definitely put thoughts into my head
Accept that there is only one thing you can change in life and that is you
I know Gucci is right. My W has consistently said this, though she masks it at times because of guilt; hurting me, hurting our kids. And yes, some doubt in her mind that it's the right thing to do. That's normal I think.
I think this is really my last chance. I can't let her talk me out of it like last Monday.
And yes, this scares me more than anything I've done in my life, because I'm the one deciding, not waiting on someone else to decide for me.
And yes, this scares me more than anything I've done in my life, because I'm the one deciding, not waiting on someone else to decide for me.
I bet you five bucks that you grow impatient waiting for your computer to boot up, but then you've waited for weeks for somebody who has shown no sign of working on your M to work on your M.
Odd, don't you think?
Don't wait. Do something else.
Time is your most valuable asset. I can almost guarantee you that's what your wife thinks about when she thinks about staying right now.
Last edited by TimeHeals; 08/30/1008:36 PM.
M-47,W-40,No kids D-filed 5/27/2010 Piecing - 10/21/2010 -=Soon to be banned=-
And yes, this scares me more than anything I've done in my life, because I'm the one deciding, not waiting on someone else to decide for me.
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She's also said that she wants that feeling back, but doesn't know how to get it back. She said she likes being around me, but is afraid of me too.
The waiting place. Lead.
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
You just told her, "you can treat me anyway you like and I'll be your dutiful husband." 