I think that her thread is interesting and good to read but you need to put things into perspective. She is NOT your W and you should not look at her and translate this over to your W's situation. You were commenting about your W and that was ALL mindreading. You will only drive yourself nuts if you're trying to draw unsubstantiated parallels.
Not mindreading. Those are words from my W's mouth. When I've asked her to come home in the past, her words are, "I can't do that. I don't trust you. You haven't changed in the two months that I was at home asking you to. You say you are changing/changed now, I see you are trying and changing, but I can't trust that it will stick. I don't want things to go back the way they were, and I can't trust that they won't right now".
My W has also said, "If you got to a place where you were the man you wanted to be and felt comfortable with that, and I felt comfortable with that, I'd give you the opportunity again."
I posted in that thread:
Originally Posted By: john28
I'm so incredibly pained, hurt, depressed and devastated that my W left, but I am becoming a better man much quicker than if she would have stayed.
And I know my W knows this, and that's probably one of the main reasons she left. Her reasons now for not coming home are because she can't trust that I will make changes, or the changes I make will not stick.
I don't think that's mindreading.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
And I know my W knows this, and that's probably one of the main reasons she left. Her reasons now for not coming home are because she can't trust that I will make changes, or the changes I make will not stick.
Do what are you going to do about it? You are too worried about her wearing/not wearing the ring.
Do you know what changes is she worried about? Not what she tells you but what her actions tell you.
I just recently found that I am completely unable to read my W.
When she told me something she actually asked a question, when she asked a question, it was not a question. At times it was the body language that spoke opposite to her mouth. Confusing? Yes.
Sometimes smiles are not smiley and what you perceive as sadness or anger is nothing but tranquility. I had to learn (still am) how to keep my mouth shut and when to open it. It has been counterintuitive but something I think is working.
It just so happens that those two visions match up.
So you DO know what she wants you to be?
Why does she think that you can't or won't?
Because I've said so before, and haven't made it stick. Many time when she's threatened to leave before - the adage, "oh I will change" mantra that we speak when first confronted with this situation. Times before it's been two weeks, a month, or two months... but I go back to doing the same.
Granted, they weren't all as serious as this before.
She rightly feels that way.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
Just finished signing up for volunteering every tuesday night for soup line at the local women and children's shelter.
Here's to finally trying to understand doing something and expecting nothing in return. Time to break the mentality of covert contracts surrounding giving and expecting to get.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
Just finished signing up for volunteering every tuesday night for soup line at the local women and children's shelter.
Good. Pop into Pinheads thread, that's what they are talking about - doing something else.
Is the volunteering something that's out of character for you. I think anything slightly out of character can be attractive to your W. That's a change she won't expect. If she sees one, why not to believe that there are others.
Easier said than done. I am so busy with my work I need to find a new hobby myself. I used to have a lots of them. The latest stress just made everything so unattractive. Although I always liked target shooting. Have to dust off my sniper rifles.
