Still Moving Forward

[BeingMe]

You are right, Punkin, I can't do anything for his depression. I will ask him what he will do for himself. I was quite worried as I said above, but I know now that there isn't much I can do except be there as much as I can. He is family, after all, and we have few here in North America. I am a little resentful of being held back now. I have just gotten through a huge health thing, and I feel I have my life back, and now he is finding life miserable, while I am so happy to be alive. If I am lucky, I may get another 5 years, since this sort of disease can come back, and I have 30% chance of making it to 10 years. As it is, I still have to worry about yearly MRI's, which is great because the doc had me on doing them every 6 months, daily medication that leaves me tired, and so on. But, life is good, and I am so joyous about being here still. I just want to sing and dance, except I'm a lousy singer, but I do when no-one is around. Every now and then, I do a little gig ... my kids think I am a little nuts. I laugh a lot, I tease and kid a lot. But, it doesn't help him. For the first time that I can remember, I am free, I am my true self because I don't have to worry that I might lose someone because of my actions or hurt someone's feelings. My thoughts aren't constantly about him anymore. I get my vent out here, then happily go about my business. Ha!

I don't want to be married to H anymore .... I don't love him in that way anymore. He has had 5 years of my staying and hoping that things will change, but he has not. Two of those years, I was really really sick, so I had no choice but to stay. He was there sometimes ... my kids were the ones mostly there for me, especially emotionally speaking. They are the ones who saw most of the seizures, my son went to a lot of my appointments, drove me everywhere because I wasn't allowed to drive. H was shut off from me, as usual (I know, I know, he had to work, and his work takes him away from home frequently --- I don't have a problem with that ---- it's just that I wish that the stupid cancer could've found a way for him to be able to say the things I want from my H, do the romantic things I wanted him to do, yadda yadda yadda). There were times I thought he was resentful of my being ill. But, as he kept saying, and he's right, I am strong. I needed to be.

We tried the MC ... we went once. All he said was, "I'm sorry about what I did." And that was that. He folded his arms, and said nothing more. He expected me to move on, as if nothing had happened. To accept his apology, and trust him again. I guess I was supposed to be grateful for having my H back (although he never left physically), but I don't think I got him back, not the one I married. I struggled to improve myself, make myself more interesting, being happy, moving to another city for a 'new beginning' (I was happy in our old city), doing all the things that DB'ing told me to do, and I get this sad sack back which is fine in the beginning, but 5 years on and there is still no change. I have tried various things, suggested stuff, but he never sounded enthusiastic about it. If he wants to go to counselling, he's going to have to find one and set up the appointment. And, he will have to do all the talking ... I am done talking. I am not going to do one more thing to get him back, because I don't want him back except as a friend. I told him at the end of our conversation, that if he wanted my help, he must just ask.

Thanks for posting, Punkin. Vent out ....