Prepare for a wonderful discovery

[sage]

arrgh.

I am SO stressed out with work and school. It is NOT making me feel emotionally healthy or positive...there's this part of me that keeps thinking "it's this stressed out YOU that drove h away the 1st time so BE PERFECT" -- you can guess that that doesn't help much...and it may be just plain inaccurate too....what was it that drove him away? arrgh. double arrgh.

I've wanted to post all day...needed some 2x4s gently applied to my head from you all...I've been dancing down a cheeseless tunnel a bit (brought on by stress? what else?) and even though I think I talked myself back out...wanted to get it out here so I could remind myself and so that YOU GUYS could remind me, too.

Here's the deal...the cheeseless tunnel I've been wandering down is "why do I feel as though h is not open and honest about his time on the computer and why does that TERRIFY me so?" Some days or nights I get home and h is downstairs or sitting in the tv room or whatever...looking all cozy and all...when I walk past the computer room, though...the computer screen is "on" (not on screensaver) so it seems as though he's been ON the computer and then moved away from it when I get home....like secretive or something.

ASSumptions....I know.

So...I mire myself in:
why can't you just be sitting at the computer and not think I'll freak out over that?

why can't you invite me to look at something on your screen?

why does it feel like you're hiding something if you have supposedly have nothing to hide?

I did a crappy job of acting as if...we had plans to go out to dinner...I felt my heart closing down...well...maybe I didn't do SUCH a crappy job...we went out and had a good time...h said and did ALL the right things...what the heck is wrong with me????

I feel like we're stuck in this cycle:

Sage: I feel suspicious when you act all jumpy
H: I feel jumpy when you act all suspicious

Can anyone else relate????

So...this morning I applied my OWN 2x4 to me....looked hard at my ASSumptions...at my discounting all the wonderment of h...realized my suspicions are fueling my anxiety which fuels my suspicions which fuels h's discomfort....realized I'm being ALL ABOUT CONTROL HERE -- you know...the stuff I CANNOT control....

Decided to DROP THIS ROPE.

I cannot control h's activities on line.
I can choose to worry about them...or not. I choose not.
Worrying about them leads me to behave in ways that are NOT conducive to our m.
Some of this is stress.
some of this is not feeling as though he can handle my stress (an ASSumption...I have NO REASON to think that he can't)
some of this is NOT paying attention to all the good stuff.
some of this is just OUTRIGHT FEAR.

Positives:
1. h made a plan for us last night
2. h made me laugh many times during dinner
3. h told me I was sexy
4. h sat on the couch with me instead of sitting in the recliner

Be gentle....

Sage