Earlier I let my fear and uncertainty drive me to the point my hands were shaking. I finally just sit, and took it out and said, why? What changed, does this have to be addressed today? It changed my thought patterns and I feel mostly calm again inside.
Ms. Pam...I am in all seriousness bowing in awe of you for the SECOND time today!!!
YOU ROCK.
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
It WASN'T a TOTAL victory. But it was so much BETTER, than it might have been if I had made contact BEFORE I had got a pretty good hold of myself again. So I didn't get through it with no contact, but I don't think I did much or any damage, and in the past the way I was feeling I would have just dumped it all totally on CHL.
I didn't; I SAT WITH IT!
So for me to be that worked up and not spew it all out, it feels like a mostly positive!
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Cool Post, Sage. And you are right. How powerful to KNOW that all the anxiety, the worry, the WANT TO, all of that is out of our control. Yes, I can give it life, let it fill my head, my day, or I can choose not to. I can choose to be happy, for this moment. Thank you.
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
REally awesome post from the past from dear Acorn. Wow, I think I may cut and past that one for near future reference.
I'd LOVE for CJ and I to at least be doing a monthly "state of the union" check up...I mean things are pretty good but....
And RMC, forgive me for not remembering your whole sitch, but I have to share some of my experiences with you.
When OW called here and entered my world (a year ago Saturday) My world blew apart. CJ told me he didn't love me, loved her (I had no idea she existed), was leaving within the week to move across country to be with her.
Over the next two days I had him read some of DR (infidelity and depression)...I talked with him about this decision, could he live with it etc. He waffled twice, then reluctantly agreed to break it off and stay (our M was still very much in question).
I just KNEW that it was unnatural that he could "end it" that cleanly...that he didn't seem to be mourning for her. That there was NO CONTACT....
Sure enough, they'd begun talking again (behind my back)the day after it was "off".
Here's the thing....it was the next three months of daily conversations, e-mails etc that drove home to CJ just how controlling and crazy this woman was!!!
STILL, despite my DBing, despite our MC (going well) he was AFRAID to tell me...he kept trying to break it off, she would blackmail him (saying she'd call me and he figured that would be the end of our R)...he just kept hoping she'd find someone else (which she did, besides her H, but she STILL wanted daily contact with CJ!!! )
It was when he broke it off in Feb that SHE called ME again to spill the beans...fully expecting me to kick his sorry A$$ out...but I didn't. I listened to him, I decided to believe his story.
I DECIDE to trust him every day. Most days it's not hard at all. I think I have a strong basic trust (from childhood) that really helps with this.
If CJ were to reveal some horrendous double life again or more lies, like Acorn, I would NOT be devastated as I was for bombs 1 and 2...
Shinybear-So many times it takes the WAS longer to end the A or EA, and it winds up like your sitchuation. Most A do end, thankfully. I don't think my H is still in a PA. He says he has not talked to her since he last told me. I go back and forth on the trust thing. I do know that they can outright lie and make it sound as though it's the God's honest truth. I've had it happen to me too mnay time not to know that. I ASLO believe that my H has definately figured out that he does not want to be with this W, but I know he liked to talk to her for some reason. they were friends for a long time befor the A started. She was after him for yrs! Is he talking to her? I have no idea. The only thing now that I can do is act as is I believe what he tells me. It may very well be true. what scare me more is when he starts to distance and the fear that he is content living the life we are now. Me at home and him in his Apt. That way he feels he can stay safe-he has somewhere to run to when things do not go the way he likes them to. He's afraid to commit, and I'm about to hit him in the head with a 2X4! I finally broke down and had it out with him. Right or wrong it was something I had to do. I think it turned out to be positive. He was living in denial and complacency and I shook that up for him. Now, I may have days when I'm sure heis still talking to the OW (like yesterday!) but my main concern is my M and R with my H. If that's right then no one can come between us. We agreed last night that nothing or no one should ever come between us again. That's a start, right?? Rachael
I am SO stressed out with work and school. It is NOT making me feel emotionally healthy or positive...there's this part of me that keeps thinking "it's this stressed out YOU that drove h away the 1st time so BE PERFECT" -- you can guess that that doesn't help much...and it may be just plain inaccurate too....what was it that drove him away? arrgh. double arrgh.
I've wanted to post all day...needed some 2x4s gently applied to my head from you all...I've been dancing down a cheeseless tunnel a bit (brought on by stress? what else?) and even though I think I talked myself back out...wanted to get it out here so I could remind myself and so that YOU GUYS could remind me, too.
Here's the deal...the cheeseless tunnel I've been wandering down is "why do I feel as though h is not open and honest about his time on the computer and why does that TERRIFY me so?" Some days or nights I get home and h is downstairs or sitting in the tv room or whatever...looking all cozy and all...when I walk past the computer room, though...the computer screen is "on" (not on screensaver) so it seems as though he's been ON the computer and then moved away from it when I get home....like secretive or something.
ASSumptions....I know.
So...I mire myself in: why can't you just be sitting at the computer and not think I'll freak out over that?
why can't you invite me to look at something on your screen?
why does it feel like you're hiding something if you have supposedly have nothing to hide?
I did a crappy job of acting as if...we had plans to go out to dinner...I felt my heart closing down...well...maybe I didn't do SUCH a crappy job...we went out and had a good time...h said and did ALL the right things...what the heck is wrong with me????
I feel like we're stuck in this cycle:
Sage: I feel suspicious when you act all jumpy H: I feel jumpy when you act all suspicious
Can anyone else relate????
So...this morning I applied my OWN 2x4 to me....looked hard at my ASSumptions...at my discounting all the wonderment of h...realized my suspicions are fueling my anxiety which fuels my suspicions which fuels h's discomfort....realized I'm being ALL ABOUT CONTROL HERE -- you know...the stuff I CANNOT control....
Decided to DROP THIS ROPE.
I cannot control h's activities on line. I can choose to worry about them...or not. I choose not. Worrying about them leads me to behave in ways that are NOT conducive to our m. Some of this is stress. some of this is not feeling as though he can handle my stress (an ASSumption...I have NO REASON to think that he can't) some of this is NOT paying attention to all the good stuff. some of this is just OUTRIGHT FEAR.
Positives: 1. h made a plan for us last night 2. h made me laugh many times during dinner 3. h told me I was sexy 4. h sat on the couch with me instead of sitting in the recliner
Be gentle....
Sage
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
you don't need a 2x4, what you need is a pat on the back.
ok and maybe once in a while you need to allow yourself to be muffed about things without beating yourself up over it.
it is ok to wonder about the puter... it is ok to have doubts... it is ok to be scared.. it is ok to be stressed... it's also ok to just love and appreciate your h and let him love and appreciate you.
Funny how some things just keep rearing their ugly heads, huh? Like me with that stupid phone call the other day.
Now, this is just my guess but I have this feeling that your H is VERY well aware of your feelings about his computer use. He knows this is a "hot topic".
Thus even when he's just doing "stuff" on the computer, he may FEEL like he has to stop doing it when you come home...like a preemptive strike against upsetting you.
Heck, Sage, I do the very same thing with the BB!!! CJ has never said anything explicitly, but I do sense his resentment of the BB sometimes.
So like now, for instance. He took a run to the liquor store and so I decided to check in. Today I'll likely stay put, but 6 times out of 10 I'll change the screen or get up and go into another room when I hear the car pull up!!!
But it was so much BETTER, than it might have been if I had made contact BEFORE I had got a pretty good hold of myself again. So I didn't get through it with no contact, but I don't think I did much or any damage, and in the past the way I was feeling I would have just dumped it all totally on CHL. 
)
