the other thing you are obsessing, your last 2 posts were 20 minutes apart and you are focused on her wedding rings. My W has filed and still wears hers, it really doesnt mean squat, I dont question her anymore when she wears them or when I see her and she is not wearing them. It is not important so stop obsessing.
Whether she wears the rings when she goes out with friends, I don't know. But it is standard advice to take off jewelry before going to the hospital. Things can get lost or stolen there. And Dsh is right, you are obsessing. Try to keep in mind that you know she lies to you. So asking questions and hanging on the answers does you no good at all. You may as well buy a ouiji ball. The answers will be about as accurate.
You need to ignore her as much as possible during the next two weeks. You have to get used to being a single father. Your son needs to be your focus. Your wife may come back, or she may not. But keep in mind, she will only come back if she thinks it is good for her. She is not concerned about what is good for you. If she does come back, you need lots of changes in her, or this pattern will just repeat.
I am NOT advising you to ask her to change. You are nowhere near ready for that conversation. What I am saying is, you need to get it through your brain that she is not good for you now. You don't need someone who treats you the way she treats you for a wife. As things stand, you are indeed better off without her. You didn't need the abuse last night when you asked a question and got a lie for an answer. If she wants you to be nice to her, like taking care of her when she is sick, then she needs to be nice to you. Not just when she needs you. She needs to find a way to be nice to you, or she needs to call someone else in an emergency. You will not get respect unless you demand respect.
In the meantime, let things lie. Don't start arguments; don't pursue her. Have as little to do with her as possible.
hi Lotus, we agreed on something I am trying to help John break his pattern, his W can read him like an open book, my W could as well, that is why I am trying to tell him what changes I have made so the pages are blurry to his W, right now she can read every move, and acts to her advantage.
Yep, dsh. we agree. When we went to Retrouvaille, my H made it clear to me that it was his intention to live a happy life, either with me or without me, and to be appreciated for what he did for his family. I knew going in that was his stand, and I was thinking that with all his flaws, how could anyone appreciate him.
But over the course of the weekend, I started to see that he had good points that I had been overlooking. And after the weekend I could see him making an effort to be fill some of the gaps I'd identified. I have never failed to appreciate it him ever since. And though I had been less than kind to him for several years going into the program, I found myself in the position of the LBS and the one willing to go the extra mile to put the relationship back together. However, if he had not stood up for himself, I might have continued to treat him like a disappointment to me for many more years. Which would have resulted in me having an unhappy life, as well as him.
Well - here to clear up a couple of things. First, you guys are right. I am obsessing. But I've not asked her about the rings at all, don't plan to.
1. Today dropped son off at W "house/room". She was still in bed asleep. Woke her up, she feels like crap. She said thank you for yesterday, she appreciated it, I didn't have to do it, was sorry she called me. I said "No problem. It was the right thing to do." She then sat up in bed, picked her ring off her nightstand and put it on. I made a "hmmph" sound - I know, bad. She told me that she's lost so much weight she has to take off all her jewelry at night now because it either falls off, or in particular her ring turns inside her hand and scratches her face (it's very loose). She then complained that how she hadn't been eating properly probably brought on the kidney stones. I just validated - I didn't ask for her to say that, she just offered it. Her explanation was genuine. Explains why she wasn't wearing the ring at the hospital - she went there after she went to bed the night before.
2. I was wrong about the L. I found out she had a speeding ticket that was due on Aug 18th. She hired a traffic attorney for $75 to take care of the ticket on Aug 12th. Total charge was $210... $75 for attorney and $135 for ticket. I found a copy of the ticket and reciept from attorney in the bills when I paid them late last night.
Either way - I should't be obsessing about these things - and I'm not at this point - but I wanted to clarify for the board here what the truth was.
So, she's actually told the truth for once.
----"Et tu, Brute?"---- me:28 W:24 S4 T:6 M:4 EA Exposed: 5/21/10 Bomb: 6/20/10 (Father's Day) NC w/ OM: 7/10/10 W moved out 8/21/10 http://bit.ly/aOrZne - My sitch
You are obsessing about everything. Listen to what the good people here are telling you and START DOING IT.
Your controlling and obsessing got you where you are. Please try to understand that. I am speaking from my own experience.
I myself, am not out of the woods by any means, but I have withdrawn far enough to see changes. 3 months ago my W would not even talk to me, she was coming and going and doing everything possible to get me to pursue and get mad and jealous so she could validate her desire to end the R.
She is currently vacationing alone something that I strongly supported. She scheduled it over a month ago to get away from me. It has not even been a full day and she's texting and sending pictures. Me validating her feelings and desires while backing off and letting her do her thing is now showing the complete opposite reaction. I expected a complete radio silence instead I am getting bombarded with communications.
My responses have only been when question is asked. She is sharing her feelings with me and I hear it but do not engage. I have to put my feelings aside and look at it rationally. What did I do to cause this reaction and do it again while stopping all that has not worked.
Start detaching and be consistent. You will know when the changes come because they will be genuine.
Pookie - when you first pulled away and it was difficult, how long was it before your W finally started to start contacting YOU? I'm just curious.
I have been pulling away for a long time. I wasted some valuable time after the bomb in mid April. Although I was kind of leaving her alone to do her running around, I was still pursuing - texting, begging for lunch meetings, whining about dinners at home and out. While I stopped asking where she went or with whom, I did not leave her alone. I kept calling and texting about every day necessities trying to keep thinks otherwise normal.
That was a complete waste of time and kept alienating her further.
Finally in the end of June I made vacation plans alone for myself and did not tell her until she found out on her own. That was the beginning. She got curious and started asking questions. She tried to find out around my back if there was OW. I kept it quiet and only answered if directly asked.
When I returned in the middle of July, she was still not talking to me much but I immediately noticed that she started spending more time at home and was nice to me when she did that.
Then I decided to see IC who recommended the DR book. I signed up here a month ago and the rest is up in my thread.
With a variable success I have managed to reach a point where we are talking, laughing, having dinners together and hanging out at home. She is still isolating me from everyone that knows about our problems.
But she communicated with me now which was not happening at all a month ago. She is truthful and transparent and I have been gaining back the trust and belief that there is no EA/PA and never was. She played a game leading me to think that there was.
I am going to have the “let go” talk with her very soon and I have accepted the fact that I may have to live up to my promise to move out. That does not mean the end of my DB. That would be just another phase and another set of challenges. My biggest hope however is that since things have been improving every day, she would let me lay out the plan for re-inventing our R. The old one is dead and needs to be buried.
I cannot offer the plan B without acknowledging the plan A, which is to LEAVE HER. That’s the tough part and I can see how you struggle with that. You have to be ready to face that reality. I know I finally am.
I peaked at another post and read your reply to brave WAW who came here for guidance.
I think that her thread is interesting and good to read but you need to put things into perspective. She is NOT your W and you should not look at her and translate this over to your W's situation. You were commenting about your W and that was ALL mindreading. You will only drive yourself nuts if you're trying to draw unsubstantiated parallels.
I sure hope all WAW would think the same but it would be so naive to day that.
I am trying to help John break his pattern, his W can read him like an open book, my W could as well, that is why I am trying to tell him what changes I have made so the pages are blurry to his W, right now she can read every move, and acts to her advantage.