Prepare for a wonderful discovery

[sage]

Morning, folks...here's my weekly cainercast:

"We can't go on together with suspicious minds..." We all remember Elvis singing these words by Wayne Thompson, but it is equally true to say, that we cannot go on together with jealous or resentful minds. If our minds are anything other than clear and confident our relationships will suffer. Nor will the problems be restricted to romantic involvement. Work and family bonds will deteriorate too. The eclipse in your opposite sign is now intensifying an area of doubt or dispute, just prior to resolving it.


To say that it is apt would be a dramatic understatement...I look back on the last week+ and I'm not feeling great about what I'm seeing...it's been a week filled with doubting myself, scrutinizing my h, doing a lot of old, negative patterns of thought that just mire me in feeling badly about myself. I realized this morning that it IS this pattern...I start feeling badly about ME, lack of confidence, feeling insecure, without value and THEN I start looking at h for clues that my negative feelings ARE true...that just makes him uncomfortable, me uncomfortable, blah, blah...hello cruddy cycle.

Don't get me wrong...I haven't been a complete A$$ with him or with myself...I MAY be being a bit hard on myself, even, right now...but I guess my point is that I'm committed to making this week ABOUT all the GOOD stuff that WORKS.

I had a busy weekend! Met h in town for a date Friday night...it was a good one...had some drinks and food. During the course of eating h and I had a conversation about our living sitch -- house in the suburbs essentially -- seems as though h may want to buy or rent in the city itself -- a big change for us -- and a big jolt to my system since the 4 bedroom in the burbs with the big backyard has been my security blanket....

Met some totally AWESOME DB'ers for lunch on Saturday...not sure if everyone wants their location known so let's just say that each and every one of them was a pleasure to hang with! AND (she said selfishly) they really helped me work thru some stuff too! I'd call it a "working lunch".

Saturday night h and I stayed in town to go to the "ball". I did get all dressed up...h was very complimentary! He really didn't seem to have a great time at the ball, though...we left early...went back to the room...had breakfast in bed the next AM...the night -> morning thing was really where I just didn't feel great ... about me, about us...I felt like he was distant, I was watchful. I finally told him Sun AM that I felt uncomfortable ... no real giant insights other than him assuring me that he felt fine...

We DID talk a bit more about the idea of moving into the city..I let him know that I was up for that adventure!

Sunday we RELAXED big time...watched the Pats on TV, a bit of homework, more relaxation...dinner in.

I was paying bills and asked him about the AOL thingy...he said that he hadn't realized we were still getting charged AND that when he had told me the other day it was gas it was an honest mistake. I think the conversation went well...he asked me if the charge has been on there for a while...I said yes but that I hadn't wanted to ask him about it for fear of invading his privacy. He said "honey, you can always ask me about stuff like that when it involves money!" then he stopped and said "You can ask me about anything. I'm working hard to earn your trust."

well..that sure is good stuff.

so...why did it make me feel SO DAMN SAD?

Because my brain is trying to kill me.

OK...no really...because I'm TIRED of feeling busted up. I'm MAD at myself for still not feeling whole...for still wondering if he WANTS TO BE HERE. I'm mad at myself for still not being relaxed in my marriage.

SO...here's the plan...a MENTAL break this week. FUN STUFF only....DOING what works....cutting myself SOME BIGTIME SLACK and (as will happen)...doing the same for h.

Relaxing, positive thoughts...I AM good enough

Sage